1949-04-01; Central Michigan Life

              :lal
I
It Ain't
True           ^
Cause . . .
entra
lcniaan
. , . This Is
April FooFs
Day
Did You Get Yours Today?
VOLUME 30
MT. PLEASANT, MICHIGAN, APRIL FOOL'S DAY, 1949
NUMBER 21;
Foust Uses Cup
Pistol in Fracas
Dr. Judson Foust has been convicted of using a weapon with intent
to kill in a shooting fracas involving
three persons.
Foust, the student's friend, was
about to dispatch Dr. D. Louise
Sharp and Dr. David M. Trout
with one, cap in the foyer of Warriner hall when he was apprehended by bystanders.
The fracas resulted when Foust
accused Sharp and Trout of hogging
all the front page of SHAFT.
* *   *
"EVERYBODY ELSE on the faculty gripes to heaven because they
never get their news on the front
page," screamed Foust, "I hand in
the most important stuff and it always is cut in half and stuck on
page six."
"What about my stuff?" reported Sharp, "I only get one story on
the front page each week."
Here Trout broke in and complained bitterly that his material always
is placed on the fourth page. "And
they never get it straight, either,"
he moaned.
* *   *
AT THIS PO!"NT Foust drew a
cap pistol and forced Trout and
Sharp into a corner of the foyer.
Quick thinking on the part of several alert students prevented the
massacre.
In' seeking to find the reason
behind the outburst, the local police   interogated   Hal   Riehle,
SHAFT editor-in-chief.   .
"I have only one thing/to say,"
declared Riehle. "The front page is
only relative. It all depends- upon
how you fold the paper."
HaHaHaHaHaHa
MARY
WEIBEL SLUGS
WILLS—HARD!
Mary J. Weibel, in a fit of pique,
called Dr. Mary Wills, Delta Omicron advisor, a "stupid old fussbud-
get" last Tuesday at the DO public
listening hour.
Miss Weibel, fuming and' raging,  slandered  "Doc  Wills  when
Mrs. Willss broke in on Miss Wei-
bel's    narration    on  "Light and
Heavy Opera and Why." Angry
words between the two led to a
general melee and fistfight.
It is expected that capacity crowds
will attend the DO music hours in
the near future if such a program
can be expected*
Pfister Pfilches Pfunds
Pfrom Pfickie Pfaculty
Pemil Pr. Pffster, pdirector pof
Pdebate pat pcentral pmichigan
pcollege, pstated ptoday pthat phe
pwas pinnocetit pof pthe pcharge
pthat pwas pdropped pupon phim
pby pthe pfact&ty psehate.
Pthe psenaW pstated pthat Pmr.
Hister phad pteen pfilching pfunds
pfrOnf pthe jffickle pfaculty pof
pcentral pthrc|igh pthe pstudents
pof phis pdebate porganization.
"Cuddles" Trout laughs off his
recent encounter with "Student's
Friend" Foust. Foust was foiled
in attempting to dispatch Trout in
a fracas in the foyer.
"Foust has been reading too
many comics lately," was his only
comment.
The best thing to do with a fellow
who thinks of nothing but to neck
is—to neck! At least, that's what Bill
Unjiun says.
Sharp Turns
Red AH Over
D. Louise Sharp, prominent Communist leader and known among the
local proletarian classes as the "Red
Dean of Central," and author of
'"Communism for Communistic
Communists" and /'Communism on
Credit—Easy Terms" has taken a
soap-box stand prepared to refute
the charges of the Student Senate.
In an official statement to the
Shaft, President of the Student
Body Warren P. Cleary accused
the Red Dean for inciting subversive elements on Central's campus.
.. "It is well known that the accused
stands in the path of a solid student
democracy,",  stated. "Cleary,,  "We
must do all in our power to halt the
evil forces that desire to suppress
the feeble cry of the peasant." ..  .
■   *   *   *
CLEARY WENT on to say that it
is well known that the Dean has insisted on enforcing the "After Hours"
rule for women students, as well as
insisting that she have her own way
while teaching Personnel 102.
The Senate Investigating committee stated that when they approached the Dean concerning the
subject she became quite embarrassed.
"She turned Red all over," they
declared.
Shaft Editors in Serious
/ ' *      ., *
Condition Alter Beatings
Mob Learns of April 1 Edition;
Attempts to Halt Publication; "We
Must Get the SHAFT Out" Declare Editors
You Gotta Go!
The Teacher's College debate
tourney will be held in the Warriner
Lady's powder room (first floor)
this evening. •
Representatives      from      Marquette, Kalamazoo and, Ypsilanti
will attend.
According to Pemil Pr. Pfister,
pdirector of pdebate, no men will be
allowed to enter the contest.
"We originally scheduled three
men to appear," stated the goodly soul, "hut owing to the fact
that we must hold the debate in
the woman's lounge we found it
Vecessary to use only girls."
It is hoped a previously schedule
twilight dance will not interfere
with the debate, because all women
students are cordially invited to attend. Overflow will be accomodated
in business 'office "C".
GHASTLY MURDER IN RONAN
See MURDER Page 6
Editor-in-Chief Hal Riehle and
Associate Editor Joe Shea were attacked in the Shaft office this morning shortly before the issue went to
press, by 16 members of Central's
faculty and four students.
The journalistic duo were rushed to the Mt. Pleasant hospital tat
a most serious condition. They are
still in a coma.
The mob, headed by Richard J.
(Just call me 'Giz') Litchenielfe,
stormed en masse to the print shop
where they fought for eopies of the
Shaft as they came off. the press.
The group, which gathered at the
home of Honest Harry Gover late
last night, had been informed, by
spies that the April Fool edition
would reveal all.
*   *   »
AFTER VERIFYING the coded
message of the spies by reading the
entire issue of the Shaft, the ensemble rushed to the Shaft office
where they pounced upon the unfortunate twosome and committed:
mayhem. :
Shortly    after   police   arrived,
"Giz" Lichtenfelt was seen in a
College automobile behind Warriner hall. According to spectators'
See—ATTACK—Page 7
"New Invention Will
Produce Light"-—Edison,
The Industrial Arts club made
their biweekly trip to the Fulton
Township   builders   meeting   last
night.
The club members took bottled refreshments with them and made
their visit social as well as educational.
Added similies: The gymnasium
looks like a dirty duece in a new
deck of cards.
Editor's Note
In order to save our mouldy
hides from the wratfi of LIFE'S
• readers, LIFE has officially been
f changed to SHAFT for this gala
occasion—April Fool's day.
We entreat you, don't believe
a word of what you read here.
It's all in jest, and malicious
harm (if present) is purely coincidental.
We the staff, hereby declare
that we assume no responsibility
for anything that appears herein.
—Editor
n<
Smoochie" to Replace Mrs. Mac
As Ronan Hall House Mother
Miss Trixie Cuddleform, former
burlesque queen and movie starlet,
has been hired to replace Mrs. Ella
MacDuffee as housemother of Ronan Hall for men, announced Donald Kilbourn, director of housing.
"We finally had to give in to
the pleas of the Ronan men/' declared Kilbourn. "And I don't
blame them in the least. Mrs.
Mac just doesn't have what it
takes to keep young men happy."
Miss Cuddleform was selected
from a group of 120 applicants.
Photographs and vital statistics were
submitted by the applicants and a
committee of Ronan residents made
the final decision.
TRIXIE, who is affectionately called "Smoochie" by her friends, will
take up residence at Ronan as soon
as possible.
It is expected that many new
rules ahd regulations will result
from this unprecedented departure
from the conservative.
jtyCKuieu aoove i» jirixie "t$m%w-
chie" .Cuddleform who has recently been appointed to replace Mrs.
Ella B^acDuf f ee as housemother of
Ronan'hall. "Smoochie" is dressed
in her typical afternoon attire.
Have a Hot Nuit
at'Eve in Paree'
"Evening1 in Paris" win be "Ehe
theme of the sohomore dance to
be hel<f next Saturday in Keeler.
"Looie    Uchtenprofit.   following  ifi
the footsteps of his great master
Richard "l-love-food-so-'why-
should - i-feed-it-to-the - students
liicMemfelt , has condescended to
grant the use of the baJlroom to
the students for a nominal fee of
$400. .
The Alma Scots, a seven piece
orchestra who will learn their
eighth piece next week, will play
for the semi-formal affair. If
yon don't have tails, jast let the
lining hang oat of your sposft
'coat. '.  .    ■ (
Tickets may be purchased fronfc
any sophomore on campus as.well
as from -""red Schmidt .fwjH*
is counterfeiting ducats on the
side in order to raise money for
the Ronan Carpet fund.
MteN, come and "toing- yoiir iM
cookie ahd have a helluva hot miit
at the 4*Eve__ngf in _»aris" dance.'
Necking: A form of embrace in
which the neck is unimportant.
Mike Wassil claims that when.;he
was in the Siberian salt mines She
earned two Kulaks a day ©nd all the
sait he could eat. f
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