1880-02-27; Clare County Press

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YOLUME II.
CLARE, MICHIGAN, FRIDiOu BTBJBBUABY. 27, 1880.
NUMBER 4
"SO EUSS  XD"A"-AT.wr OH HUK M&K-
KflAGK.
B*E LTTCITT8 C. WEST.
3Jesr child—sweet girl—no! woman now!
An awful, solemn, sacred vow
Thou'st taken in thy fair young years;
Hot wantonly, nor yet with fears;
Bat, as a pare and crystal stream,
Bippling and gay, from which a gleam
r Of heaven's bright smiling face we catch
aMong flower-decked hills and woody thatch,
As on it flows, gurgling and free,
,   To meet its Mng, the mighty sea,
You have, fair ideal girl, with smiles
And kindly words and helpful wiles,
And tenderness and strengthening tears,
Quite drifted into woman's spheres;
Have plowed into another's life—
Hfs comfort, joy—ah! heaven,his wife!
Oh, may your blue orhs ever scan
The present manhood of the maa—
His truth vouched for thee, through all life—
The highest honor given a wife.
'  Sray let your sweet lips ever speak
Kind words, your lover's heart to reach.;
•   Then, as the warm sun melts the snow,
All rancor from your souls will go;
And, mart me, mark me, never miss
Unasked to give the partingr kiss.
Oh may your heart, 'neath bosom white
Now thrilling with a new delight,
' Deeply imbued with, wisdom be '
.Thrbugb ail the life God gives to thee. *
JPray teach your fair hands e'er to do
"What as a wife is meet for you;
With tender touch smooth from his brow
The cares of him who loves you now—
Yoar soft caress will feed the flame,
May bar dishonor from his name.
When have ^our f et forever trod
The wifehood's £ath marked out by God—
Through virtue, truth, and love's sweet bliss,
A heaven on earth, you will not miss..
Then-deep a chamber in his heart,
Yona: Mend and bard will set apart,
Where, mingling with his songs, will reign
The memory of an ideal twain I
Kaxi&m&zoo-, Mich.
KD8S... TOIPLffiffiPS MMEEITAlClo
BY ARVIDE.
w^^^Vsf"
■A
ifty
'c^
Grief had overtaken our family, and
say wife had become fatherless; and,
although-she was not the favorite child
of the old gentleman, she had a
daughter's love for him, and her grief
ai Ms death was genuine. As we have
intimated, the old gentleman had a
favdrit© among his children, and, of
oourse, it was the youngest daughter,
who was living at some distance from
the place in which her father died.
How tMs child of fortune was as
proud as a peadock, so to speak, and
ied upon pride as a toad does upon
bugs. But what the dear girl had to be
proud over is r&ore than I can comprehend, for she to-day is no better looking
then 1 am,. and you all know how I
look. But let me say right here, before, it 'slips from my mind, that som©
of the. worst-looking -and most-proud
people ia th© world ar© the meanest.1
Bntsh© was not so bad-looking as some
m^htrzrllz Hzz^JZlg i^)ov©£-^9ttfet-X
san sorry ior a^taing said,'in regard to
homeliness, and wish to smooth over
anything said about my own looks, for'
I am married any way; and, come to
think the matter over, she is, too.
Well, the good old man left an estate,
I guess, and each heir, adjacent, constituted himself a committee of one to
see the estate properly settled.
I said that the old gentleman left an
estate. How I think that is proper, but
am not really certain, and will try and
tell you exactly the condition of affairs.
Father C. didn't leave a cent of money,
but he left lots of liabilities, and the
fis^ets were few. The amount, after
the funeral expenses, that it was necessary to hunt for in some other locality
was about $300, as sure as you live.
This had to be raised, and we living
ones felt ourselves in a better condition to meet the matter than the old
gentleman. So we appointed a day to
attend to things. We met, but forgot
to invite our worthy relative, Mrs. Top-
light, until the last moment, and, as we
knew her circumstances, thought we
would try and raise it ourselves, and
not bother her with it. Mrs. Topiight
is a good woman, in fact the best girl in
our family except my wife, and I will
remark right here that the father did
well by Ms daughters while living, and
he ought t© have done so—only two
daughters!
Well, w© met. Everything was progressing smoothly, and we were in the
midst of division on a limited scale,
when a positive knock was heard at the
■door. Our first idea was that a tramp
was approacMng, or had approached.
And I, being the bravest one (in my
own estimation) M the .crowd, yelled,
"Come in." How, I had no intention
of offending any one, not even a tramp,
but I was completely nonplussed when
in walked our worthy relative—I came
near saying on her ear —and struck out
solidly for th© nearest vacant seat, and,
m we were about to stay proceedings
and receive her cordially, she waved us
back with her delicately gloved hand,
and said, in tones that struck us witb
about the same feeling that a frigid
breeze would in a day in July:
"Proceed with your business, sir. I
will take a proper part, as occasion requires. I am here to secure my rights,
sir."
I am easily embarrassed, and was in
this case. But I said, with great enthusiasm :
"My dear, you certainly shall; you
certainly shall."
As she entered we were making an
equal division of the amount each one
was. to contribute toward paying off
the indebtedness. So we now proceeded as we had begun: "Three goes into
300 just 100 times, and this is the
amount for each one of us."
1 had unwittingly fired a magazine.
In an instant Mrs. Topiight was on her
feet, and a light flashed from her eyes
that would have rivaled Edison's electric light, and a stream of -words rolled
from her mouth like the waters over
Hiagara.
"You designing, wicked fellow, you!
Do you think that I'll sit here and see
you rob the poor orphans of my dear
dead father the way you are trying,
and not say one word? I'll give you to
understand that I know my rights, Mr.
Squarem, and that I'll have to share
in tMs matter. I have paid $3.87
to come here . and stop tMs
robbery, and I thank heaven that I am
in time to do it. You unprincipled
man, to try and rob the child that poor
father loved so much [sob, sob]. And
poor papa, if he had known, would have
made a will and given me so much, and
now [O! it will kill me!] my people,
who should love Ms dear memory, are
trying to steal from one of Ms most
loving children.   And—'
Here her feeling got the better of
her, and a short fit of hysterics nearly
frightened me to death; but as she began to improve I regained my equi-
hbrium and was once more myself.
I took advantage of the situation,
and, while the others were soothing
her, I quietly told her that we had no
intention of wronging any one, much
less our dear relation, and that she
misunderstood the situation. That the
old gentleman had nothing but Ms
good wishes to will to Ms cMldren,
and, as it was not merchantable and not
easily transferred, she could see that
we could hardly control her share of
the estate. I also said that there were
some liabilities actually incurred by the
good man before, at and after death,
and that was the occasion of tMs deliberation, and that we were just proportioning to each one who was present
the amount that he was expected to pay
toward the expenses of sickness,iuneral,
etc. "But," I added, "as you were not
present, we did not want to put an assessment against you, but, seeing that
you thought so much of your father and
wish so much to take a part in straightening up the good man's estate, we
cheerfully let you do so. Let me see,
four goes into 300, seventy "
"Stop right there, Mr. Squarem I
am calm now, perfectly calm, and I
don't wish anything more to do with
this little picayunish matter. You have
been acting witnout my consent, so far,
and upon your own responsibility, and
you can do as you please about it. I
shall have nothing to do with the affair
in any way."
"But," I ventured to say, "your great
love for your father, you know. You
certainly wish to do a httle for—"
" I won't give a farthing, not a farthing, and he didn't do right by his
children either, and he-could not. expect
™--t&***^if^
KATMMAL IRMLEOAB Mfflo
A Granger on. tlie Objections of th® Bsil-
roa«I-ILobt>y Iia*wyers.
PFrom the Nebraska Leader.]
The world is waMng at length to the
monstrous imquity perpetrated by the
railroad corporations upon the people.
In Germany the Government is purchasing the roads and equipments bodily, and will operate them.
TMs, of course, is impracticable here
under our system.
But the enormity of the wrongs wMch
the people suffer has at length aroused
discussion.
Beagan's bill is the entering wedge.
He proposes to regulate inter-State
commerce by fixing certain rules and
regulations.
TMs is the signal for the corporations
to send forward their attorneys.
The committee charged with the
Beagan bill in the House is now the
center of the fire of the corporations.
The audacity of the attorneys of the
railroads is something to be admired.
They boldly defend the system of
pooling as the best that can be devised
for the people.
They say competition wMch is cutting
down rates is bad for the people.
Bead the report and see that this is
true.
These skillful "manipulators of
phrases" say that the world is too ignorant to attempt to legislate upon so
delicate a subject. *
They say a commission should be appointed to gather statistics for a few
years before anything should be attempted in this direction.
Their impudence is, indeed, wonderful.
The business of the country is oppressed by their robberies.
The agricultural community is reduced to penury and the extremest hard
times by the monstrous rates which
these gigantic and remorseless robbers
have fixed.
If members of Congress have not
heard these things, next ©lection <MSght
to send a new set to Oongress who have
heard of them. *■„'*.■
Farmers, merchants and sMppers do
not need a commission to inform them
of these intolerable grievances.
Th© world gropes to find a solution
of the difficulty that will leave the roach
in the hands of the private owners,
Ther"1 is no such solution.
Owr*
Oh
■ ^vo ot Z-!$Q-ry~"r
,v«»-
^arefooK'S yotfdo,*tbo
And with tMs she gathered her wraps
about her and was fading fastly away,
and as she reached the door I meekly
asked: " If she didn't want to wait a
moment, as I would see if the members
of the family present wouldn't make up
all, or a portion, of the $3.87." But the
last sentence fell short of its mark, and
the distance was lengthened between
Mrs. Topiight and us.
We fear that there will be an estrangement in this family, but that is
beyond our control, and, if such be the
case, truly sorrow has overtaken us.
But while we live we will try to keep
ourselves, and others too, from having
large expectations from weak sources.
Manhattan, Ean.
,\/^«i£i*iiiui'Cuj.i£iies.
-L-—'"V*.- —-1?*- -v „-f-$
A Dog Bathing-Master..
Our faithful friend Jet, a powerful
dog, lived with us on the Havesink
Highlands. One summer we had a
bright little fellow who, although not
in the least vicious, yet had a boy's propensity to destroy, and to injure, and to
inflict pain. Master Willie loved Jet
dearly, and yet he would persist in torturing the patient dog outrageously,
striking hard blows, puncMng with
sharp sticks, and pulling hair cruelly.
One summer's afternoon Jet was lying
on the front piazza, taking a nap, and
Willie came out and assaulted Mm with
a new carriage-whip, wMch had been
left in the hall. Jet knew the child
ought not to have the whip, so he went
and called the nurse's attention, as he
often did when the cMldren were getting into mischief or danger. But the
girl did not give heed, as she should
have done, and Willie kept on following
Jet from place to place, plying the lash
vigorously. Finding he was left to
deal with the case himself, Jet quietly
laid the young one on the floor, carefully took a good grip in the gathers of
his little frook, lifted Mm clear, and
gave him a hearty, sound shaking.
Then he took up the whip, trotted
to the barn with it, came back, stretched
himself out in the shade, and finished
Ms nap. The young gentleman did
not interfere with Mm again, and ever
afterward treated Mm with great consideration.
Hothing delighted the dog more than
to go into the water with the young
folk, and to see the batMng-suits
brought out always put him in the
highest spirits. The children called
him "the boss of the batMng-ground,"
and so he was, a3 he made all hands do
just as he pleased. He would take
them in and bring them out again, as
he thought fit, and there was no use in
resisting him, as he could master half-
a-dozen at once in the water. Ho one
could go beyond certain bounds, either,
under penalty of being brought back
with more haste than ceremony. But,
within the proper limits, he never tired
of helping the bathers to have a good
time, frolicking with them, carrying
them on Ms back, towing them through
the water, letting them dive off Ms
shoulders, and playing leap-frog.—St.
Nicholas^. "
The cost of the Hoosac tunnel up to
date is $19,523,579.
• - Make the track a free public Mgh-
way, and all the complexity of the case
disappears.
The discussion of the matter in Oongress might be looked to iox more
light, if the people were "represented
there by some one who would defend
their rights before the committee.
The corporations are there.
They have millions of money to hire
counsel and to press with ringing eloquence their views upon the hesitating
committee.
On the other hand, the erude ideas of
those who favor the Beagan bill, supported by the weak arguments of expediency alone, can never be effective.
The philosophy of the situation has
not yet dawned upon the advocates of
regulating railroads.
All such schemes must fail,.from the
complexity of their design.
Laws to be effective must be simple.
The more complicated the machinery
by which legislation seeks to accomplish a given purpose, the less effective
it will be.
The simple, natural way to destroy
tMs monstrous iniquity is to liberate
the track.
Throw it open to all men, and no
more necessity will exist for regulating
tariffs than there is for regulating rates
between Hew York and Liverpool.
to
re,
he
mi
im
th    .icaei'als-wwent out of the
3S0ia© Senator. But I tMnk* ha
*ut©d it. He told me one day that
35 homesick after leaving th© ad-
imimn.. I had difficulty in induc-
rs. Fish to remain eight years. At
OBc^ilma h© was so bent on resigMng
thi-   J had selected Ms successor.   It
.OIL"
W6'v
Coi.
haye been President; WMte, of
MIS MB IPOBTEHTBo
*VJ\©n the crescent of the young
mo?1! sets supinely, its horns in the
air, li is a sign of dry weather, because
in fans position it holds all the water,
thufi preventing its fall to the earth.
Thin is also a sign of wet weather, the
expiration in tMs case being that a
watfe'M moon is emblematic of a water-
socLod earth. Don't forget this sign
of #3 new mooh. It is rarely you will
find one so impartially accommodating.
Tt doever finds a four-leaved clover
is gc isrally a liar. It is so much easier
to d'eiach on© leaf from a five-leaf stalk
thait to hunt for one with four that the
testation to mendacity is too much
for Jp^rage clay, *
It lien a mouse gnaws a hole in a
gowu some misfortune may be appre-
heu-^d. The misfortune has already
hap^ned to the gown, and may be ap-
pri| aided to happen to the mouse.
Ah old sign is that a,child grows
proit3 if suffered to look into a mirror
wM?i less than 12 months old.
do you despise my sex? We can bear
more pain, and are, therefore, your superiors in courage."
The small reporter was gazing fixedly at dark corner of the room, and made
no answer.
"Herve, indeed!" continued the tall
lady; "why, women have infiMtely more
nerve than men. Only yesterday I saw
a woman—n
"That's the biggest rat I ever saw in
the effice," said the small reporter,
staring intensely at the corner.
The screams that rent the air brought
in all the printers and several citizens
from the street. When they arrived the
tall one was standing on a chair with
one hand covering her eyes and the
other convulsively clutching at her
skirts as she gathered them close around
her.
The small reporter wisely took advantage of the crowd to slip out, and he
telegraphed from Cold Hill that he was
going down to Carson to work up a big
item.—Virginia City Chronicle.
wh©/the'average infant can see in a
inirivr to1 make it proud is difficult for
any |;ufc it-a parents to understand.
^ A *e& sky in the west at evening in-
dicc:i3 that the next day will be pleas-
amt-j jaring accidents of rain, snow and
hm! v .      '
l£-$rou take down your shingle, pre-
paiT?Qa;y to putting it up in a new location it is a sign you are moving.
I£.c hen runs across the street directly fZ .-kosat of you, it is a sign that a hen
will i son be on the other side. If she
eso:;i; 3 over just behind you—pshaw!
X7ho cTerlinew a hen that wouldn't die
ia 132 traeks rather than cross one's
pr£h,.7&y InMs.i'ear?
TlCsn you sea a cat running around
'lari^isly, it is a sign that the crockery
q-j otr^aware is in danger.
I'Tl'in you drop a knife and .it sticks.
ia t^>i! Hoor, it is a' sigh-that some one
ic £**&$* lag. If you ar© a small boy, that
r. '•: "fil^p "^J »e yotK mother, and herJ
Y^a^® ^°  £cmOffl£tesfc© with yoii
inanition.
To dream of a funeral betokens too
much pork and cabbage.
To dream of finding money betokens
that it is easier to dream of finding
money than to work for it.
To dream that it is Sunday morning
is heaven.
To be suddenly awakened from your
sweetest sleep to find that it is not
Sunday is—that is to say, very disagreeable. It is a sign that you will be unhappy.
A great many more equally infallible
signs might be given, but the reader
has probably had enough for one day.
The man who believes in signs is sufficiency credulous to believe that our
knowledge in that line, as well as in
every other line, is inexhaustible.
Wonderful Calculating Boy0
When Bidder was 10 ydars old he answered in two minutes the following
question: What is the interest of
£4,444 for 4,444 days at 4^per cent, per
annum ? The answer is £2,434 16s 5|d.
A few months later, when he was not
11 years old, he was asked, how long
would a cistern 1 mile cube be filling
Bnf ** receiving from a river 120 gallons per
_ • i. _    __   * i.i.  j_   *__ t ■ - n      t„  a	
S0H43.
BY ANOHYMA.
Oh, golden dream!, that spans the skies.
Whose tender blue is like the eyes
That haunt my sacred memory,
Fade not away in boundless heaven,
Lite closing gates of yon bright even
Before night's spell of glamoury.
Oh, fleeting bliss! that mocks .our hasta,
lake mirages in desert waste,
So passing fair in distant scene;
Approached unto the vision fades;
We stand within the realms o£ shades,
Before their sphynxof horrid mein.
Though withered is thy garland now.
Though death hath calmed thy tortured brow
And hushed the voice that sang rare glees,
I'm glad to know life's richest wine
We pledged each other—mine and thine
Yeit. ttms. more bitter are the lees.
Shabbo'na's Geove, 111.
ETEH imiOTTo
minute without intermission? In two
! minutes he gave the correct answer,
14,300 years, 285 days, 12 hours, and 46
minutes. A year later he divided correctly, in less than a minute, 468,502,-
413,563 by 6,076. TMs has been tried
with pen and paper, and, after getting
an incorrect result in one and a quarter
minutes, th© mathematician went
through the sum again, with correct result (51,629,838 and 5,875 over), in
about the same time. - At 12 years of
age he answered, in less than a minute,
the question, If a distance of 9f inches
is passed over in 1 second of time, how
many inches will be passed over in 365
days, 5 hours, 48 minutes, 55 seconds?
Much more surprising, however, was
his success, when 13 years old, in solving the question, What is the cube root
of 897,339,273,974,002,153? He obtained
the answer intwo and one-half minutes,
viz., 984,537. It is thought that not
one arithmetician in a thousand would
get out this answer correctly, at a first
trie!, in less than a quarter of aaW,
The'question was*" put by"
Grant and Bis CaMnet.
In one of Gen. Grant's long talks
with John Bussell Young while at sea,
the General speaks thus of ex-Secretary
Fish: " Hamilton Fish is; I tMnk, the
best Secretary of State we have had in
fifty years, unless it may have been
Marey.   This will be the opinion of
those who study the records of the State
Department.    He differed from Marcy
and excelled him, in this—that he never
did anything for effect,  while Marcy
would often do things for effect; in this
—Ms aversion to anything that looked
like striving for an effect- -Fish was so
straight that I sometimes thought he
leaned backward." In forming his Cabinet Gen. Grant says he consulted no
one.   " My first choice," said he, " was
James F. Wilson, of Iowa.  I appointed
Mr. Washburne under peculiar circumstances.   Mr. "Washburne knew he was
going to France, and wanted to go.   I
called on Mm one day when he was ill.
I found Mm in a desponding mood. He
said that before going to a country like
France he would like to have the prestige of a Cabinet office, that it would
help Ms mission very much.   He suggested the Treasury.    I had already
spoken to Mr. A. T. Stewart on that
subject, and said I would make Mm
Secretary of State.   So came the appointment."   After Mr. Borie had retired from the Havy Department, wishing to give that department to a Penn-
sylvanian, it was offered successively to
George H. Stuart, the banker, and Mr.
Liniey Smith, of PhiladelpMa, who declined on account of absorbing professional engagements.   "Mr. Borie," said
Gen. Grant, "mentioned Bobeson, and
arranged that we should meet on an
excursion I was taking to West Point,
and out of it came Ms appointment to
the Havy Department.   Boutwell," said
Woman-'s Nerve,*
A tall lady with a saturnine countenance went into the Virginia ("Hev.
Chronicle office and demanded of one
of the reporters if Yirginia offered a
good field for a series of a dozen lectures on woman suffrage.
"I don't think the Comstockers have
thought much about female suffrage,"
replied the reporter frankly.
"Don't say female," said the tall lady
sharply.
"Why not?" asked the reporter, in innocent surprise.
"Because, sir, a term that is used to
describe sex in animals should not be
applied to women."
The reporter admitted, in great humiliation, that the point was well taken,
and looked up in some alarm at the
severe countenance of the lady, who
was a head taller than himself and manifestly able to thrash him in the interest of progress, if sj disposed. The
stern countenance softened somewhat
at the signs of confessed inferiority,
however, and the lady continued:
"The cause of woman is the cause of
humamty. The cause of humamty embraces aB progress. Why, then, should
the people of Yirginia be indifferent to
woman?5*
"They're not!" cried the small reporter, hastily. "Far from it. Woman is
thebossin tMs camp. Everything she
wants she gets, and not one in a hundred has to do a lick of work."
"Mere toys," said the tall one, with
deep scorn. "PlaytMngs for an idle
hour. You cover woman with silks and
gauds and sink her soul into insignificance by circumscribing her sphere
and allowing her no mission in life."
Herschel, at Slough, near Windsor, to
Master Bidder, and answered in one
minute: Light travels from the sun to
the earth in 8 minutes, and, the sun being 98,000,000 of miles off (of course
this is qMte wrong, but sixty years ago
it was near enough +o the accepted
value), if light would take 6 years and 4
months, traveling at the same rate, from
the nearest fixed star, how far is that
star from the earth, reckoning 365 days
and 6 hours to each year, and 28 days to
each month?" The correct answer was
quickly given to tMs pleasing question,
viz., 40,633,740,000,000 miles. On one
occasion, we learn, the proposer of a
question was not satisfied with Bidder's
answer. The boy said the answer was
correct, and requested the proposer to
work his sum over again. Daring the
operation Bidder said he felt certain he
was right, for he had worked the question in another way, and before the proposer found that he was wrong and Bidder right the boy told the company
that he had calculate^ the question by a
third method.
A (Rood
"Wind," says an old horseman, "is the
grand secret of a good horse." Good
kings will cover a multitude of faults,
while, on the other hand, perfection of
shape and form are useless when the
wind is out. The chest, therefore, in
all cases, should be large and capacious.
It may vary somewhat in shape, according to the service to wMch the horse is
put. If he is apt to be kept for slow
work and heavy drawing the chest may
be nearly circular in form, because tMs
shape is one for strength and bulk to
receive and bear up against the pressure
of the collar, while, at the same time,
sufficient room is secured for the expansion oi the lungs caused by slow,
regular work. But, if the chest is circular, let it be at the same time deep,
or else the lungs may be cramped. A
horse with a shallow chest is worthless
for any purpose. The rule then is, for
a draught horse, a circular, but deep
chest; but, as you pass tMough the different degrees of speed up to the racer
and trotter, the chest will increase in
depth, compared to its roundness, until, for the Mghest rate of speed, you
must take a chest as deep as a greyhound, and, at the same time, not lacking in strength. 	
Curiosities of the Telephone.
With a single telephone held, say, to
the right ear, the transmitted voice ap-
■.T^T^".*"? "TI TA -,, .       pears to come from a distance to the
"Well "admitted the small reporter, \K*       m      ith & telepll{me held to
the left ear, it seems to arrive from the
left of the listener.
With a telephone to each ear, if one
' ear be less sensitive than the other, or
She uttered tMs word j if the telephone be held further from
in a terrific tone, so terrific that the ! that ear, the voice apparently shifts to
A "tornado is a great blow to any
country.
The pin is mightier than the sward*
You can sit on the sward with impunity
A tramp, and Keely's motor, and Edison's lamp are all alike—they won't
work.
The author of the familiar phrase
"Shoot the hat," was an Austrian tyrant
named Gessler.
Smoking- 1 cent's worth of tobacco in
a $50 pipe is like dressing a scarecrow
in a seal-skin sack.
Spicbr says his collar-button is lik©
the celebration of the. Fourth of July
it is sure to come off.
" Hobrxd little thing, without a set of
bangs to her name," is the newest CMeago pM°ase for describing a rival.
" Teli us not in mournful numbers
life is but an empty dream,"
When milk is seven cents a quart
And raises mighty little cream.
Artemus Ward once said that a Re
will live. If tMs is the case, nearly
all the works of Eli Perkins are immor*
tai.
A thinkeb. he kept right on thinking;
A drinker, he kept right on drinking;
Saying, "What do yon think?"
T'other;v"Why do ybu drink?"
They parted, each at t'other winking.
Laura (witrKx^ovel)—"Oh, if tMs tale
were only true ahd 1 were the heroin©!"
Xate—"What! with her persecutions,
her misery?" Laura—"Ah, but then,
dear, remember she does get a husband,
after aU."
"Is it possible, miss, that you do not
know the names of som© of yoar best
friends?" inquired a gentleman of o
lady; "Certainly," she replied? KI doiri
©van know what my own will he a yen!?
■Zzi^&St^^-^z
- a^T a christening;* wniiQ'^'^ene~>■M»1ISBer"'v^,^^
was making Ms certificate he inquired
the day of the month and happened to
say: "Let me see, tMs is the thirtieth." "The thirtieth!" exclaimed th©
indignant mother, "indeed, but it's
only the nineteenth."
"See that my grave's kept green,'
he warbled, under the window of his
fair one's domicile, one pleasant night.
" I'll tend to the grave business, young
man," shouted her enraged paternal ancestor, as he poked an old musket out
of the second-story window. Ho more
concert that evening.
The mysteries of a baby's toilet were
altogether new to a little 1-year-old,
and he carefully watched the bathing
and dressing of Ms little cousin. When
the little powder-box was open, and the
fluff brush was about to be used underneath the baby's cMn, he exclaimed,
" Oh, aunty, let me see you salt her."
There was a young damsel, oh, bless
her!   It cost very little to dress her;
She was sweet as a rose
In her every-day clothes.
But had no young man to caress her—
Because, you see, she had given the
mitten to the only fellow in the neighborhood, and the amount of sweetness
she was therefore obliged to waste upon
the desert air
Was simply enough to distress her.
The editor of Peck's Sun, at Milwaukee, finds fault with those dealers who
keep cheap eggs on hand until they
become old back numbers, and is glad
to learn that a CMeago man, who has
frequently been deceived into accepting eggs that were tired out, has filed &
caveat for a " Patent Automatic Stem-
Winding", Base-Burning, Hon-Explos-
ive, Lock-Stitch Egg Detective."
A little miss had long desired a sister for a . playmate, and, having been
taught to ask God for everything, she
asked Him for a sister, telling her
mother she would do the praying if she
would make the clothes. After praying several nights and getting a little
impatient that her request was not
granted, she said one night: " O Lord,
please. £end me a little sister right
away. If you haven't got a wMte one,
send me a black one." TMs same little
girl was corrected by her mother the
other day for being naughty. " Well, I
can't help it," she said; "when you
prayed for me why didn't you prav for
a better child?"
-:-&'
"that's about the way we look at it up
here, that's a fact. Women haven't got
the nerve to rastle for themselves like
men."
"Her-r-r-ve!"
small reporter half rose from his chair.
"Herve! What is there requiring
nerve that you do that I am incapable
of?"
"Ho offense, madam, no offense. I
meant nothing personal, I assure you."
"Am I not stronger than you?" she
demanded, scorning the apology. "Am
I not gifted with as great a brain? Why
the side of the other ear; and, if both
ears hear alike and both instruments
are equally near their respective ears,
the voice apparently proceeds from in
front,of the observer.
Jay Gould has contributed $5,000
for the relief of the destitute farmers in
the frontier counties of Kansas.
He stood twirling his hat in Ms hand
in the hallway. It was about time for
the morning stars to begin their song
together.
" Well," and he moved one step nearer
the door.
" Well," she replied, as she stepped
to the door also.
" Well, I—I must be going.   If—"
"That's right, John, if," and she
leaned her head on his shoulder. " If
—you— have—any—conundrums—to—
ask—ask—them—now."
He was measured for a new plug hat
and a pair of kid gloves on that- same
day.