1880-03-19; Clare County Press

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VOLUME II.
CLA1^#4ICHI
GH* 19:1880.
MS53SOSPlSCia.'V3Si
BY "WIIiLIS H. COFIELD.
^x&.
Down Tory a babbling brook,
Among the flowers gay,
Sou'll find a sheltered nook
That's ever dear to me;
It brings back "mem "Ties dear
Of youthful days gone by,
And paints the old leaf sear
With glories of the sky;
It makes my old heart bound
With transport and with joy
To view those scenes again
Familiar to the boy.
tTust forty years ago
We stood within this dell—
well remember, too,
Twas 'long witii darling Nell—
And here my story told
Of love's fondhopes and fears.
' I did not offer gold,
Bat only love for hers;
And then the half. shy lo ok
Of mischief and of glee,
As smilingly she spoke:
"I love if you love me." .
My cup was fall of bliss—
What can the matter ba,
If I did imprint a kiss   -
Upon her roses free ?
Long days have flitted by;
With cares I'm nigh weighed down;
She end is surely nigh;
My race is nearly run.
The sun but sets to rise
Anew beyond the sea;
Though darkened be our skies,
Another people see.
Though man to earth be lost—
Transported from the sight
Yet lives he none the less,
Though in another state. .
The churchyard yonder tells
A tale to me of pain,    ■   -
Por there my darling Nell's -,
Body long has lain.
Still I love to wander,
Upon a summer's day,
By the brooklet yonder,
Within the flowery lea.
And think of days-gone by—
* Of woras that then were said
And cannot ever die,
Not even when I'm dead.
Soon will the harvest come;
The reapers now are nigh,
To bear me to my home,
To meet her in the sky. .
Wa Kbenet. Kan.
SEOTSKCEB AEW §H©fo
I returned from Shreveport-to Hew
Orleans after the surrender of Kirby
Smith's armV—all that was lef fc of it-
just in time to be ordered by Sheridan
to report to Custer for duty with the
Second Cavalry Division of the Military
department of the Gulf.   The orders
were to rendezvous at Alexandria, La.,
.and, after due preparation  to march
across the country into Texas, for the-
, purpose of re-establishing the author-
" ity. of the Government—to follow up victory with occupation.
Among the regiments ordered to re-
J*"
Sated Seeond cavalry. It had suffered
somewhat from indifferent field officers,
but more from that bad fortune which
overtook so' many Western regiments
in the shape of garrison duty in small
squads orsquadrons, so scattered as to
make each a sort of independent command, which, in the end, resulted in a
loss of discipline and the ruin of those
bonds of sympathy that boundmosfc regiments firmly together. To lead such a
regiment into a hotly-contested fight
would be a blessing, and would effectually set at rest all such trouble; bufc
their fighting had been altogether of
the guerrilla kind, and there was no regimental pride of character, simply because there had been no regimental
deed of valor.
** Two Colohels had. resigned—one to
accept promotion, and the other to return home—and a Lieutenant Colonel
had failed to succeed to their spread
eagles j and the majority of the regiment would have rejoiced if, in his
wrafchftd disappointment, he had thrown
away liis silver leaves and gone home,
too.   But he never  dreamed  of  it.
Whether justly or unjustly, he was despised by his command, and only held
his place by sheer, force of will, backed
by the authorities above him.
nSuch was the condition of the regiment when it reported for duty.  Tired
out wiiSi the long service, weary with
an uncomfortable journey by river from
Memphis'^ sweltering under a Gulf-coast
• sun, under orders to go further and
further froxk home when the war was
over, and the one desire above all otn-
ers was to be mustered out and released
from a service tliat became irksome and
baleful when a prospect of crushing the
enemy no longer  existed—all  these,
added to the disaffection among the
officers, rendered the situation truly deplorable.   In fact, the men of the whole
division were more or less discontented,
and would have been troublesome under any commander and any circumstances that kept them in the service;
but to be thoroughly organized and
subjected to the discipline necessary to
the maintenance of good .order, and to
be forced, to treat with consideration
the very people whose country they
had acquired a chronic habit of devastating—and that, too, by a man whom
tliey called a "yellow-haired circus-rider
from the Shenandoah"—this seemed to
them to be almost beyond the limit of
human endurance.
The command had hardly pitched
their tents and kindled their camp-fires
before the spirit of reckless disregard
of authority began to manifest itself.
The men hated the commanding General and staff "on principle," without
regard to what they did. "Ho Eastern
man can put on style over us!" "Bright
buttons and spurs dcn't make a soldier S"
MIfs too late to teaeh us Army of. the
Potomac notions I". "The war is over;
vyhy don't they send us home, instead
of sending the upstart Major General,
with his first mustache, to lord it ever
us?" These were such speeches as one-
could hear at almost any hour of the
day or evening, when wandering through
. the camp, and they were delivered with
"' meix emphasis and ill-suppressed bit
terness that the effect was exceedingly
ugly. ,        • ...
Immediately the men, singly and in
squads, began to go on extemporaneous
raids through .the adjoining country,
robbing" and plundering indiscriminately in every direction.
They seemed to have no idea that a
conquered and suodued people* could
possibly have any rights that the conquerors were bound to respect. But
such expeditions could not be permitted; indeed, the General was under orders to treat the people kindly and considerately, and he obeyed orders with
the same punctiliousness with wnichhe
exacted obedience from his command.
Therefore, the most rigorous and explicit orders were issued against" jay-
hawMng" of every kind, and the offenders were severely punished. But the
ordinary punishments were found to be
utterly inadequate. The guard-house,
police-duty, extra duty, etc, had lost
their terrors; and punishments had to
be devised that would reach a class of
men and offenses unprovided for in the
" regulations."
The storm which had been brewing
so many months in the ranks of the.
Second cavalry, suddenly burst upon
it.. A paper, demanding the resignation of the Lieutenant Colonel, had
been, largely signed by officers and
men, and presented to Hm. This was
the fiint that struck out fire. In half
an hour the officers whose names appeared on that fatal list were deprived
of their swords, and the catastrophe
was no longer to be avoided. Blood
was in the eyes of the soldiers,
and none in the cheeks of the officers—vengeance was in the hearts of the
men, and fear in the souls of the commanders. There was a quick roll of
the drum—a. few explosive orders—a
udden rush—a sort of dizzy whirl; the
Lieutenant Colonel narrowly escaped,
and, by a quick movement of the guardj.
a sergeant and several men, whose
names were on the paper, were arrested
and lodged in the guard-house. A
double force was posted to prevent the
rescue of the prisoners—and the immediate danger was over.
After the storm, the calm. The anxiety of some men to get into trouble is
only exceeded^ by their solicitude to get
•out of it. It'happened so with these.
The violent and headlong haste of the
action was eclipsed only by the reaction;
To thes wordless officers musing in their
separate tents,jand the -im^^QS^S^"-
their bars, there came/in due time, repentance and regret.
Through the" clemency of. the- man
whom they1 sought to destroy there was
at last afforded, on certain conditions,
the opportunity to erase their names
from that black muster-roll, and secure
restoration to duty. Some quickly,
others reluctantly, but finally all, availed
themselves of the absolution, except,
on©—the sergeant, the leader, the
prime mover and champion of "the
affair.
He scorned forgiveness; it implied an
acknowledgment of guilt. He would
stand by the deed; whatever the law
called it, he held it just resistance to tyranny. He had sought no man's life.
He had felt—"We cannot live together;
man to such hopeless, bootless doomf * <$onfedefate aymy gathered at the street
If only he had fallen on some fieac eom^^the distrustful, impoverished
battle field, madly Striking for M |9itigen4;|aoving .abirat disconsolately;
country! If only hehad'been slain o£ ' the-debris of two armies scattered in
the picket-line, piloting the grand pie ^>vkry direction; "the. outlying, devas-
army to victory! If he could nave ejief. "^ted sugar-plantations, covered with
in the hospital, slowly wasted -away* bj fodraps, and this oiie-the scene of anim-
incuralple wounds or disease/or beefe posing military execution; these were
sacrificed ih a Southern prison, endu?- ||a© obtious det'^ls of -a never-to-being outrage and starvation with the 'aorgotten picture. Down into the hearts
fortitude borr^ of honor and patriotism! i bf 5,000 men it sank—photographed
If only in any way his blood might have -l>y,the indelible and impalpable chemi-
be'en reckoned as a part.of the pricey Ccls of the mind, there to remain forr
paid for liberty and free government! "j^ver. They, felt the wheels of that'
' But no—none of these. The very^mepistrous hearse tugging at all their
reeotd of his devotion to his country's iieart-strings, as if they strove to chain
cause, and of his faithful years of untir- ^-hem with thek. sympathies, and forever
ing service, was to be blotted out. Hio \ kold them bftok from the end of that
memory was to be blackened forever V^Sfowful journey,
and his name to become a legacy okzA, At last the procession reached the
shame to his children; and yet they ''^laee of entering, filed out into the
knew he was conscious of no crime I i leld and halted a short distance in front
Was it possible to save him in any] of the. General and staff. The men
way? Could he be pardoned, or Ms j J7$re assisted down from the .wagon and
sentence be commuted? Yes, but only |'seated upon their coffins at the foot of
one man could do it—the „ General j !a$b? graves. Eight men, with pallid
Would he do it? Only one man in .all I feces, halted in line a few paces before
the command could ask it and hope to • liem, and SiehaQged their carbines for
be heard— the Lieutenant Colonel* -lohers specially loaded for the occasion
Would he do it ? '    . • •' "J ^e Provost Marshal, who had charge
The days of respite passed rapidly, !'**&'&& tite arrangements. He had load-
and the anxiety and sympathy for tha ] :4. seven of them with ball, but the
doomed man constantly increased in sQ i
cumulative ratio. At last the indis*!
pensable man arrived at division head- [
quarters with a "Petition for Pardon/5:
and asked the staff to-sign it. Every |
valid reason that could be found weS f
urged, and he went away wifch all onr|.
names. . He fared -the  same   at  th«a|
of
'Sghth with a blank cartridge, leaving
y.xe men in merciful uncertainty, allow-
~jL\t$ each to think that perhaps his was
%e harmless shot.
There was no more delay. Every-
vpngryasdone quickly and with the
""fimost precision.
The Provost Marshal read his warrant
brigade headquarters rand, by the time j :;:©S the exeeution,_ drew the fatal caps
he reached the commanders of regi- f
nients, who all signed it, the report had I
rejoiced the hearts of every tent-squad |
in the whole division. They knew it J
would be granted—the General could;
not avoid it; he wouldn't dare to shoot j,
him in the face of that list of names, j'
There was a threat of vengeance lurking in every expression of joy.   "If—,K
"If—." •_       . ';
Armed with the petition the Lieu- •
tenant Colonel went to the General \
and, gathering up all the eloquence of
all the arguments, laid the case before
him.   He would "consider the matter;"
and the Colonel was dismissed..
" A day passed by without an -answer.
Another, and still no reply.; The thircl
.r-some anxiety was manifested.   Thei
fourth—the. solicitude increased.   Oa \
tne fifth'day the old fear^^e^J^^cr-V1
^s^^twee^S'hoiSs' of 10 and IS
o'eloek——."   They lay in squads, scattered through the camps, talking until
late into the night, net caring to sleep,
and the reveille "seemed to  break in
upon their first nap.
The morning wore away in the midst
of its usual duties.
Seven o'clock—breakfast. There was
the usual hum throughout th'e camps,
the neighing of the horses, and the
voices of the men calling back and
forth as they straggled in, each to his
they drank
therefore, do thou go thy way, and I
will mine;" and he had simply said so.
If that were a crime he could not help
it. Mo matter if a thousand men were
cowards, he had not the blood of a poltroon in his veins. He should neyer
promise—touch his hat, and, bowing
low, beg to have his name blotted out
of that list. His soul revolted at it. He
would live and die by that solemn protest against the authority Of a domineering coward and incompetent commander.
So the law took him and tried him
before a general court-martial, found
bim guilty and sentenced Jiim " to be
shot to death." The General approved
the finding and sentence of the court,
and the day and hour of the execution
were fixed in an ordor that was read on
certain evening «fc -tress-parade to
iver the eyes of the prisoners, stepped
^ka-little, and, in the midst of the
: _t*s$ awful silence, commanded:
.^Attention I—Beady I"   :
T?he clicking of those eight locks was
r* "sablei ..The victims .stiSed a little,
ri it -were involuntarily. The air
earned stiiling. The calm, monot-
< 'Zmb regularity of the commands was
', 'lertjciating. The apparently heartless
cyk "business-like manner of the Mar-
raalwas maddening.*
Sustantly he slipped tfo the side of the
?2eanfc, and lightly pulling his sleeve,
iVli-ijim a-Jew steps aside; then, before
Az actios could be fully realized, com-
:3isiTft   *"-. ' .
J]S$zAl~mxe!?> -. -  \\> ,
Irh&sh was a crashing' blast—a cloud
j . 'jmoke—adu!l,"heavy';-sfcliud"as the
AtPci? feltbmk dead on 'his coffin, and
^zJped down upon one knee te^et-j^pi
on the other, and, pulling off the black
capi nursed him back to life and consciousness.
■ There was a murmur of grateful applause along the whole line. The General had not been intimidated, and yet
had granted the prayer of his men. He
had punished the sergeant severely,
and yet had been merciful to them
both; he had spared the life of one,
though sentenced, and kept a knowledge of it from the ofcher, though shot.
We didn't know then that the Second
own mess.   Once more, as	
their coffee and ate their hard bread and« cav^y ^6nt out to" the execution" with
bacon,   grumblingly  denouncing   the ioaded carbines and  forty rounds in
shortcoming of the commissariat, they
wondered if it were yet possible for the
General to speak.
Eight o'clock—sick call. The orderlies reported their latest candidates, the
surgeons prescribed, the hospital stewards provided for them; and the sick
men, lying on their cots in anguish,
turned to inquire of their new neighbors if the word had yet been spoken
Mne o'clock—guard-mounting.
their cartridge boxes;" if we had, we
might not have felt quite at ease—but
it would* have made no other difference.
Hovel Cure tor Comsranptloih.
Alexandre Dumas published once, in
a daily Paris paper, a • novel, in which
the heroine, prosperous and happy, is
assailed by consumption.   All the slow
^"" ?and gradual symptoms, were most natu-
■j rally and touchingly described, and the
first: sergeants hastily^ summoned thek greatest ^^^ wag f elfc f or the hey.Q_
"details, and reported to the Adjutants! g^   *
on-the parade-grounds.   The ceremony     ^ day the MarqTlis de.Daloiaieu
a _ _
each regiment of *che division. And
with the words of that order a cloud
fell on the whole command.
The law was inexorable, and the
court had no alternative. Being guilty,
this was the punishment' prescribed,
without that saving clause which puts
the offender at the mercy of the court
—"or such other punishment as the
court may direct." But did he deserve
death? Hot a man in all the command
believed it. The men knew it was the
letter of the law that was slaying him;
but how to invoke its spirit, and
whether the spirit could pave him if it
would, sorely puzzled them. They
were satisfied that he should be punished, but by something less severe and
irrevocable than death.
With what   crushing   weight the
thought came home  to their  hearts
that a good soldier, a true patriot, was
to be shot for a technicality, at the end
of a long war through which he had
faithfully  served!   How they talked
about that lonesome, weary wife, and
her eager and expectant children, away
at the  North,   watching  with  bated
breath the opening of the mail that was
so soon, if not to-day, to bring her the
news of the final discharge of the Second cavalry?   Who could hold a pen to
Write this other news in its stead? Who
could send home to her the picture of
her own sweet "face, with the curl of
baby's hair on the glass, as he had worn
it next his heart so many years, through
all danger by flood'and field, and write
the words, "This, with his undying love,
he bade me send you—hislast request?"
S    Did ever the reluctant days drag a
over, the corporals proceeded to pos|
the "first relief;" and each man, as h/
resigned his charge and "fell in" at th<j
rear, asked eagerly for the news.
Nine-and-a-half o'clock--the bugl|
sounded "boots and spurs."
There were no more questions. Erori
the mere .force of habit the men obeyed
the summons; and by 10 o'clock the!
whole division was in motion. Silently
sullenly, the troops moved away froia!
camp, down the main road; and, one,
brigade after another, regiment by regiment, were formed  in hollow square
around a large -vacant sugar-field adjoin
ing the town. The General and staij
passed through the Jine, moved forward
to the center of the square, and, bein|
drawn up in line, awaited the appear'
ance of the solemn cortege.
Slowly down the road from the guar(^
house it came, entered the square, anc
marched along the inward-facing line)
oi troops, entirely around the opel
space—tne guaM, the firing party witl
arrcs 'reversed, the wagon drawn b^
four large horses, with their sad-faceji
each on his own coffin, facing the rea|
road two men, and took their lasfc leavj
of their comrades. •        ij
This seeond man was a private frof
the Fourth cavalry, and was tried ai|
condemned by the same court as tl|
sergeant, for desertion—the third
fourth offense. He had been a vagabo:
and criminal before he became a soldi
■and, never having been a patriot, he
a deserter from the tirst, and was jm
ing the just penalty of his crimes, wita
out even the pity and commiseration
his own mess-mates. i
The sunshine; the cloudless sky; J.
songs of birds; the graceful swayingf
the long festoons of Spanish moss|ji.
the near woods; the shallow, muijr
river hastening away to the gulf; fe
dreary old tumbled-downvillagebelip.
its dilapidated levee; the long-hairt,
swarthy, ill-clad remnants of the §_
called on him.
"Dumas," said hfe, "have you composed the end of the story now being
published in the "
"Of course."
"Does the heroine die at the end?"
"Of  course;  dies  of  consumption.
After such  symptoms as I have de-
| scribed, how could she live?"
"You must make her live.   You must
<jhange the catastrophe."
* "I cannot."
"Yes, you must; for on your-heroine's Hfe depends my daughter's."
"Your daughter's?"   '
"Yes, she has all the various symptoms of consumption which you have
described, and watches mournfully for
every number of your novel, reading
her own fate in your heroine's. Now,
if you make yoUx heroine live, my
daughter, whose imagination has been
deeply impressed, will live, too."
"Come, a life to save is a temptation—"
"Not to be resisted."
Dumas changed his last chapter. His
heroine recovered and was happy.
About tive years afterward, Dumas
met the Marquis atAa .party.
"Ah, Dumas!" he' exclaimed, "let me
introduce you to my daughter; she owes
her life to you.*' There she is."
"That fine, handsome woman, who
looks like Jeanne d'Arc?"
"Yes. £T,e is married, and has had
four children."
"And. my novel, four editions," said
Dumas; "so we are quits."
•. Fresli Air-
Live out of doors as much as you can.
It is the place for a man to be. It is
good for the health. A distinguished
physician.was in the habit of saying;
" However bad the air may be out of
doors, it is always worse in the house "
It is good for the temper. People who
are always shut up in a house are apt
to giow fretful and peevish. They are
prone  to   acquire   narrow   views   of
things, and to worry .over trials not
worth considering. It is good forthe
whole character—^for strength,Khope,
patience and fortitude. It expands and
softens one's nature and makes us more
charitable. . -
gBECtttJATIOTp
[From the EcoBomlst.]
1 Business is not healthy when it assumes a speculative character. Values
.aire not legitimate when they are under
the control of rings and cliques. An
artificial demand may for a time advance prices. , Commodities of a staple
kind may be forced up, and on the sur-*
face there may appear the indications
of a sound and healthy trade, 4?hen at
that very time agencies are at work to
precipitate a crash. It is never saf eto
estimate prosperity as real when an unnatural stimulus is imparted.." The iron
interest is an examplein point.. 'Prom
an era of great depression it .suddenly
took ah upward leap; an active demand
occurred, prices rapidly advanced, rolling mills, blast furnaces and" forges,
long idle, were set in operation, aind all
departments of trade felt the revival of
this great industry. Iron men^ere not
content, however, with a steady, legitimate growth. Speculation grew mid.
Nails advanced from $2 to $6 per keg,
manufactured fron for buildings, machinery .and railroads went up in like
proportion, and now the whole business
rests on an insecure basis. Iron ore
and steel-rails, together with fine cutlery, are again imported in consequence
of high prices prevailing in home markets: -,, If in this great industry the
speculative could be kept from the
legitimate demand a sound and steady
'market would be the result, instead .as
now" of the fear and dread of the break
in prices. *
- The- coal movement furnishes brother example of like" character. Priees
so rapidly advanced that a reaction has
alr&ady set in., Consumers supply their
wants in a small, saving way; the supply is accumulating, and there are signs
of a break in the combination upheld
by the large corporations.
In grain and provisions the same tactics a^e used to keep up prices andf osree
values ibeyihd their legitimate scope.
Bold, opssafcors ^turned their attention
from- stocks. i&Wall -street to' wheat.
They'bought millions'of bushels; still
hold it f find, to keejjthe market firm,
have all.the elevators 4n .New York,
■^34Ji5^--ToleSo ami CiM£®*kf> '* ^rowded^
tion. Them Will fcfe.--Vj. ear&ig.'isalie
among this.ring- s©©n feiairwiil scatter
their prospective profits to the winds.
Wool and cotton are also manipulated
by large operators in leading markets.
It is true the demand for these staples
is unusually large, but the yield was
also in corresponding proportions.
Wool has so rapidly advanced that supplies are coming from abroad, and in
the near future it may be found all at
once that the supply is more than ample
for the demand, and. then will come a
reaction as swift as was the advance.
The last thing to feel the speculative
movement* was dry goods. It may be
stated just here, however, that up to
this period the movement has "been
sound an.d legitimate. The advance in
staple fabrics has not kept pace with
the rise in raw materials, while the demand has also been greater than the
supply. A feeling akin to fear, however, is taking possession of the shrewdest merchants in regard to the permanency of values. Mills are running
night and day. Large wholesale dealers have nearly supplied spring wants,
and, in the very nature of things, the
increased production must after a time
overtake tne demand. In addition the
advances already made have had a tendency to stimulate importations from
abroad, and merchandise receipts at
New York.are greatly on the increase.
All this will have an effect on the market. Our exports of domestics are falling off in consequence of the high
prices, and we are losing foreign markets that cosfc scr much to command.
Mills cannot go on with a stimulated
production and prices also steadily advance without a reaction coming sooner
or later. And whenever speculation,,
takes the place of sound, legitimate
trading in dry goods, then there is danger. The great-dry-goods interest today is legitimate, and with less speculation than in any other department of
enterprise. It should be the interest
of all engaged in it to keep it in a
healthy conditio^, for it has more to,
lose through forced or illegitimate values than anyf other branch of trade..
The only thing this country has to fear
as it regards material prosperity is an
unhealthy and unwise speculation.
Lowell's Prophecy*
One of the verses of Lowell's " Pious
Editor's Creed," from the "Biglow Papers," reads as follows:
I du believe 'tis wise an' good
.   Tu send out f urrin missions,
' Tliat is, on sartin understood
An' orthydox conditions—
1 mean nine thousand dolls per ann,
Nine thousand more for outfit,
An' me tu recommend a man
The place would ]est about fit.
When the genial Lowell penned the
stanza, over thirty v^ars since, he doubtless had little idea of ever filling a
"furrin mission" at a salary nearly
double the figure mentioned.—Jew
YorTc World.
NUMBER 46
BH-I>WE3L3EiENG GOB.
BY HAIXIE O. T.
lie dwelleth on the mountain topSj
Where the morning mists arise,
And in tho glistering drop of dew
Thai in the valley lies;
And in the gloomy caverns deep,.
Where Sunless waters glide
And sMactic beauties have their birth,
There, too, He.doth abide. • ,.. .
I see Him in the silv'ry stream: -Z     „'■
That to old ocean pours,
* And in the wondrous bow that spans
Where "dread Niagara roars." .,'■
I hear His voice when tb6 whistling *wind
Around my dwelling blows,     ,-
'And in the jingling hail andrajnt
Itod music ,of ihe snows...-     '*
In tiie restless wood-bird's simple song—
&o& thrufih to whip-poor-*will—
His presence is apparent   .
As a city on a hill. .
.   The fragrance of each.beautedus flower
Ts but His scented speech, "*   '
s     And/the glory of Hfe etaofueace,
Far into ttty soul doth ^each.    , -
The light of stm and twinkling sjjar?    ,
* Are embodiments of His smile,
•  And oh, how oft I upward gaze-
And worship aU the whilej
Closer, closer stilly Ifollew Hiia;
His language I understafidj
Through every joy, anSabrrow too,
He's Tsriffi me haad in hkad.-,
And when His mandate summon^ ms
To'cross death's darksome tide,
May linterpret fhe summonsth*as:
"Nestle closer to His side."
Clarendon, Ark.
JPJEfcH -MM POUTo
 _ • .^
Dead locks—"Bangs."
.In the agricultural papers we have
many fertile lies sirs.
The person who retires with the sun
must have a warm bed-fellow.
You can't make a horse drink; but if
he will not eat you can put a bit in his
mouth. ■'■'.-    ■' ■    . ,,
An exchange says:   "Few men die of *
age."   Why call them men if their not
of age? ■■-.'■   v'- :
A divoscb court conundrum: What*
is the difference between husband iahd
wife? *'i. "' "r
• - '"Then a man owes you, be.polite, m&
£1 ten as possible send him his little
hLj due.
W^bn a pilot, dies on. a,-- New York
ferry boat every other pilot drops his
steer for him.
.   TBBTOTALSRg object to. theth82tes?be°
cause the home often gets full, and. the
'audience gets''intoxicated,with- Selglife, ^ *
Ahokd pno&er is *Leci5.vSII©E?3ealiB^"
i of her iate.Ws m having
.- j
-"j"1^^
30EH &["-•
"YouNa man," said Mr-Daniel Bice,
"do you want to go down to a drunkard's grave?" "Well," replied the young
man, " I don't care if I do. Whereabouts is your family lot?"
Thbyh&jtkefj. -amd ej'3E?_J."z~
xei as they^satriyy--ij&8*flei2rS5h. 0ia Ci_.,
side lay quietly a blinking *dog, ssntmi
the other a purring cat, and the old
woman pleaded with her growHng*husr
band. "Yust look at dat gat und ..flat
tog; dey nefer gwarrels nor fights like
us." "Yah," said the old growler, "I
knows ,dot; but yust die dem togedder
one time, und den you see wot!"
A   CONTBMPOEABT   asks   Puck:    ?sIs
kissing dangerous?" and that paper answers: "That altogether depends. If
the young lady ignores poisonous
enamels, and her father doesnft enter
the parlor in the midst of the labial exercises, kissing may be indulged in with
impunity. Kissing another man's wife
is dangerous, we believe—if her husband catches them in ttie act."
A man, interrogated by a Judge of
Instruction, in France, on a charge of
murdering his mistress, stared vaqgntly,
and long appeared unconscious of what
was going on, but, on a probing question being put, he suddenly defended
himself with great intelligence. '"Ah."
said the Judge, fl see you have been
simulating insanity." "No," was the
answer, "I was mad, but my reason has
just returned to me."
Bishop Qitintabd, of Tennessee, a
brother of two prominent business men
of New York, has two boys named for
those two brothers. Scene— The Bishop's house. Persdns—The Bishop and
his boys. George (loquitur) —"Yes,
father, I am going to be a clergyman."
Bishop—"Ed, are you going to be a
clergyman, too?" Edward—"No, father;   I think I had better be a New
•York    merchant—to    take    care   of
-G^eorge."
Teacher (who is trying to explain
the meaning of repentance^—"Suppose
a-bad boy were to* steal an orange, and
,his good mother was to catch him with
it, and take him bythe hand gently,
and tell him how wicked it is, and how
very, very grieved she was, clon't you
think now that the little boy ought to
feel sorry?" Sunday scholar—"Yessum."
"And why, Marmaduke?" "Because
—" "Because what, Marmy?" "'Cause
he hain't et the or'nge befo' his ma
cotch him and tuck ifc- away fum him!"
The preacher was talking to the Sunday-school about the power of religion,
and the devotion of the zealous to the
cause and their attendance upon the
services. Einally he asked if there was
anything' to which people would go
twice every Sunday and through the
week as they did to church, when a
small boy with, a twisted tongue on the
front seat spoke out, "Yeth, thir, a thir-
cus would ketch 'em every pop, if they
could git in free, like they dojjo church."
The preacher thought it was time to
sing.
BEFORE.
The cheerful fire brightly barns,
The gas bill keeps accruing,
.The maiden fair new lessons learns,
Tbe ardent youth ne'er homeward turns.
And onward speeds the wooing.
t AFTER.
The flickering fire f e-bly burns,
The time has past for wooing;
The faded wife new lessons learns.
The husband seldom homeward tarns
And onward speeds the ruing.