1881-02-26; Clare County Press

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•$1.50 per Year, Always in Advance.
A tfewspftptir for Clare County,
J). E. ALIVURD, Publisher.
VOLUME OI.
CLARE, MICHIGAN, SA1URDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 1881.
NUMBER 5.
l    • ■:        '
»*^n-
JEASHCMMWJ»
Purple, orange, bluo trad gage,
Bod and rater, all iHa ntgo,
Cotton, satin, «Oir bhd. Tfooi,,
Dressw BUabt slid dressy ful!.
Gathered, pleated, shirred and plats,
Short and long and d«mi-tra£n,
AprOn fronts and, jaunty coats.
Capes, flchus and rcding-oioB—
Broadway belles on dress parade,
Bjtfnbow-tlntsd cAvalcadel
Gray-halwsd m4tw>ns, blondes. bnmettw,
Pratty school-girls, ooy coquettes,
Eyes of Mno, of fclacfc, of brown,
Vttaa tbo country, from the town,
Huir ln Galls, in curls, ta braidB,
Meray children, nursery maids,
Tall and bonder, fat and short,
Characters of even-sort,
Congregate f tow near and faih
To royal In the world'* Xaxta:
Fluids and stripes and polio dots,
Suite for coaches, suits for yuphtsj
AU tho world Js Hut a stage
I'or archery or pilgrimage.
Ancient dames affect, perhapi,
XM-chief sgits *nd polo cam •
Sive«t si*taen assumes witt taste
Qi-jnidma's Quaker skirt and waist;
Btrepta present <to use a ta-opo)
fashion's gay kaleidoscope.
Search your attics, trunks and cheats |
Don the figured volvet vesta,
Doited mull in dainty tints,
'i'urkoy red and flowered chintz ,-
Bend the Leghorn flats In shape,
Drape tlie shawls of Canton crape,
B.'ess the fates that aow restor*
l-'aHhiona a to, Pompadour;
Celebrate the grand event,
Join the toilet tournament.
The ii s^oolmasiir,
It was a warin twilight in early October when the new schoolmaster arrived
at the Forks. Ho came on foot, with
bia traveling-bag slung over his bark by
means of a cane—a sturdy young moa,
tew 1*11 stir trp the fire a little. The tea's
gotamiteoola."*
" O, yes, I can wait a few minutes
when there is such a lively prospect of
having something to eat before me,"
"Do you followscbool-keepin' all»the
year around, Mr. Watkins?"
" No, marm, I do a little tin- peddling
in the summer time,   The women folks
down below as well aa up here have to
have their |urn at teaching then,"
"Tin peddliu' is  a  dreatful payin'
; business, I've heard tell ?"
; "Well, it is tolerable. 'Taint quite
so genteel as school keeping, but I'm
for getting on in the world,   I've most
( paid for a snug little farm already, and
1 I and my mother manage pretty com-
! forfcably.'"
!•    "This ain't so bad." thought the wid-
j ow. "He's forehanded enough for so
young a man, aud he's orful took with
Phebe. I never see anything like the
way he looked at her I did lot on her
marryin' a preacher, but folks so high
up in the world hain't so dreadful common, especially single oues. But, there,
it's no use; she's so bashful she won't
speak to Apbqdy,. won't^Iijt .nobody git
acquainted with her, all I ken say dr
dew,"
" Phebe," she called, stepping to the
door. "I wisli you'd hurry in 'n pour the
new schoolmaster's tea for him whilst I
go daown sullnr 'n work ovor my butter.
Ets pnt tew be done afore dark, yeou
kneow."
Hiobe appeared with a look of dire
distress on her lovely countenance
and did,as she was bidden, but sue did
away in a flash. If he attempted tfr
walk to school with her she would n>*n-.'
age to elude him with truly woaderfa^'
adroitness.   Once he Md behind a treat
to waylay her on her way to school*m$ttQJj^nf™> ^f^rX^J^
«hn J^a <■„ mi«Ba i,,-/ ,-n*AT>tiA«i **4 5?m m™B ™> I should like to know ?
she seemed to guess his' intention* h^
intuition and walked » half-mile out -of
her way to reach her destination bjr 0%.
other road. Spelling-school oreningv
when all the young fellows in tha regiom
round about congregated iu the old'
school-hoitse, each one waiting on. thft
door-steps, when the exercises wori
over, to whisper, "May I see yOiv,
home?" in ros,y maidens ears, Phebf^
clung to the skirts of some sober mtoH J
ried femalo for protection, aad insisted,
home in her shadow.   .2hj
that Works in the woods better," in a
feint tone, ghastly with foreboding.
-Another still more deeided negative.
,v i Phebe, I'd rather have you be my wife
thnn tp own all the big farms, all the
big lumber ih Eoostick county ? Will
you mayry me ?"
A renewed flood of tears was heard
from the depths of the well-soaked gram-
'__ mar1a.t Aws point, but there was a difler-
^ ent kind of motion to the head, a slow,
' upward movement of the chin.
\  "Huwah.1" shouted the master, lift*
yag the girl to hev feet, and coming in.
contact with a great deal of briny moist-
schooWwurs there was uo oppoi'ranit^™,0.^
for love-making.   Phebo was a modt^J X^g,11™, I am't gomg to the
scholar.   She Sever missed in her les^ X™11^ ?' X/lma * C-2?T* x?Clde
feet high, eommou to hcM valleys, and
which possess a very hard external
crust. Two natives hollowed out one of
those hills; st proper draught hole was
made below from the outside; it was
loaded wifch wood, and filled with some
six bushels of oyster shells, which were
again covered with fuel; and after btu-n-
iug twenty-four hours a supply of excellent lime was obtained. Then commenced his sonp boiling, which was effected in a large copper pot of Egyptian
manufacture. The ingredients of potash, lime and fat wore th^u carefully
mixed; and nfter boiling ten hours, and
having been constantly stirred, he ob-
'tawped excellent soap, of which he had
in%ll about forty pounds weight.
sons—she neither whisperednor laughed;
All the othor girls wero continually nsk-;
ing questions of the master. They
hung round him at recess; they lavished upon him all sorts of coquettish
attentions; but Phebe was never troubled over her aritlimetie, and never ap^
proached him from ot,e day's cud fo another. Bo the days went on, nnd the.,'
term was nearly ended. He had spoken"
to Phebe's mother, and she had expressed her pleasure at receiving him jiS
a son-in-law, but declared that she
"couldn't dew nofchin' with tho gal;
she was headstrong, as well as bashful,
and, if she were to speak to her, it
U-
worse.
It was a clear
bright, winter morning.
not once lilt hor oven during the wholo ! highe.'-fc boughs of the forest tlirough
Terrible Smell on the Cars.
Mr.  Epponetus  Hoyt, of l?ond dn
Lac, iwent to Chicago on a visit.   Mr,
riTK JJSD POINT.
after all; and as for you, Phebe, I know.
™T Nothing in the, w-orld butproperty ^ !^^ Hoyt knew a yoimg man named Johnnie
fit 'learning, but now I see my mLtaW'       Dfim1f wll° ™« "t^uthng Ensh Med), ;
AndfieAontedBg^.imKvhole'HW^??-:1, «ttwgfthan was per-
tipin-hhnrhneiA ,.a^„r.jnA   -tt i"   •   • T - niitted to visit the dissectmg-room. Mr.
negborhood resounded with his jovial   Hoytwas introduced to a number of
1 ihe %rickedyoung mon who were carving
the late lamented, and, after he got ac-
"Hw Ti-appcr's last Shot."
customed to the climate, he rather en-
Thb King of Greeoe—Oleomargarine.
A foot-note—The ehoemnker's bill.
Shawls made of zephyr keop off tha
wind.
A i/AwyEK does not always put his wit
in the brief.
WbjI( some one please fit a conundrum to the following answer : " One ia
an ice pick and the other is a nica
pickle ?"
The young woman who used to sjng
so divinely, "Oh. .had I the wings of a
dove,", is satisfied with, a chicken le£-
„now.   She is married.
Thk name of the largest city in America was furnished by Shakspeare. He
said, in a prophetic mood, "I Knew
Yorickwell,"
I'KE Grand srarah Juh of Calcutta
Got tipsy and fell In the gntta;
He was fouiK? by a lackey,
Who shouted " Oh, brajkey 1"
-ind toted him home on a shutta.
When a man is informed that his wifd
wishes to speak to him, what article on
his study-table does he mention in reply?   Letter-weight.
Jokes thinks a man is fortunate who
has his will contested after death only,
j He says liis will has been contested ever
'...-„„„   I... .-..l   IT....      T
—, -       -jt-- . -^eugUt havo been "Colored Jiin," but,
would only make the unhappy matter pjiack being the absorption of all color,
wm'sA." this name would not iit him,   So he is
known, wherever known at all, hs "Jfig-
j  He was probablr christoned James, , joyed tlie performance,   Whether young
but is always Jim now, and, along with ! Mr.   Darling told the boys that Mi-. f .,„-,,    N     . , ,r     T
tho_ greater part of his Christian name, * Hoyt was "fresh " or not will, perhaps, ■ 81^e m mtirn™ ^w> •>■
ho nas almost entirely lost his surname, j never beknown, but, as Mr. Hoyt passed ""'" '7'"'	
■   i°i^ ^ee? a ^ew f5*^ac''es Hg^ltter, he '. around among the slabs where they wero
, ,.      at work, each made a contribution from
through every obstacle which came in
his way, and looked neither to the right
nor to the left, though a. glance over his
shotdder would have revealed to liim,
through the fringes of tho gigantic pine
trees, a sunset picture such as is seldom
seen ia this cold New England region.
There waa more than the usual number of sitters in the store that night,
drawn thither by tlie hot that tho new
schoolmaster was expected, and, wlien
that gentleman reached tho dingy lilflo
building, they wore all on tho 'step* to
greet him,
"Newschoolmaster, I catilate; alop'n
be sosherablo awhile, hey?'1 said the
store-keeper, who was also the school-
agent and mill-owner—the ono great
man of tlie place.
"Would like to, bufc Um fact is I've
Jjeeu- s-trovdio' all titey, jjretfaj, jjjpojt,
and am geit&t1 to be tather'turaip-aet.
Besides that, I'm afraid my boarding-
mistress '11 get tired o' waitin' for mo,
and clear away her ruppcr-toble."
"Ah, yia; wual, j.r'aps ye'd batter
keep along, Tlie "nidder hain't over-
pashunt. llist's h'»r haouse ovor them
—the secont ou the right. Hope I see
you well, mister."
The second lion,?? on the right was
cosy and inviting, Ii was unpuinted,
bufc thc curtains at the windows were
daintily whito and clean, (Jreat trees
stood and gave it a pleasant, sheltered
look, though the h-aw* had nearly idl
fallen. A row of milk-pans hiaiging on
the fence redected the sunset clouds in
their glowing ;»iiri'ac-,-?, and ."Vjjgvsted
the perf' ction nf hoa.^eliold noahu^s. A
motley brood of i'c-wls are vntiiig their
%upper -nith a gx-mt deal of cluck and
clatter from the hands of a rosy, energetic-looking matron who stood* ia tho
doorway, A yonng girl with a complexion liko ti picture of Grenze was
driving a speckled cow up the lane
which led to the bam, Tlie cow's horns
were fancifully deearated with a garland of the "traveler's joy," still beautiful, though its leavo.-i were slightly discolored by frost, and ite white blossoms
changed to airy, silver down. The
girl's rustic broad-brimmed hat was also
decorated with loavos, berries and dried
blossoms, Tlie picture was worth seeing, but the schoolmaster evidently had
not an artist's eye.
At the first glance he said to liimself,
"Pity that girl doesn't know how to
spend her time in a morn proiiinblo wny
than to trim up a cow in all that nonsense,"
The girl colored to the deepest crimson when she discovered the stranger's
eye upon her, and she disappeared into
the barn w^i her cow as quickly ns pos-;
sibie.
The woman in the doorway dii.pwd
of her dish of corn, felt of hor Duck J
hair and made haste to decorate her [
plain matronly features with a bright, ■
hospitable smile.
"The new schoolmaster, I s'pose," j
said she, holding out her hand.
"I—-Idon't know," replied he, gaz- ;
ing after the retreating figure of the j
young girl in a dazed sort of way.
"What!" came in a tone of extreme
astonishment from the woman, who re- ,'
garded him with sudden suspicion.
" O, excuse me, tho faot is, I nm the ;
ttew schoolmaster.   I wasn't thinking,
or rather, I was thinking about some- j
thing else." j
She smiled, and catching tho merry t
twinkle in her eye he Icmghed aloud, but
it was a vexed, embarrassed laugh, ut- J
tarly destitute of.mirth* >
""She'll find me a diflerent sort of n j
chap from what she imagines, I rather
guess. It's the first time I ever forgot |
myself because a girl had a pretty face, ,
and I mean it shall lie the last," he said |
to himsolf.
"Walk in, Mr, Wfltkius; I kept supper waitin' fur yvn. I reeou ye're pretty
hungry travelm' so fur, or did yon rida
instead of travel ? "
"You're right, marm, I ara hungry.
All the dinner I hnd was a dish of bread
and milk at Grindall's,"
"MIsb Gxindall don't porvidefor stage
passengers ez I should think she would.
Bhe's a.getfcing dretfnl kind of shifl&fss
lately,' Ef you'll jest vmifc a nUmtta or
in tho room,
first-rate, full as good
ai my mother nv.iUos, if not better. I
shouldn't wondor if you made it yourself, now," said ho, attempting to speak
with his tiMiul jaunty, pelf-important air.
Bnt, for some reason or other, he felt a
strange embarrassment, and was surprised at himsolf. " What is thoro about
tliis pesky girl that inakf.-s such a fool of
me ?" he thought, angrily,
Tho distress on Piiebe'a faee deepened
to actual despair as sho gasped a hardly-
audible '' yes." She wishod with all her
heart that the bread was as heavy as it
it had beon yesterday, then, perhaps, he
might have kept silence. "You're a
going to be one of my scholars, ihope,"
he proceeded, with a glance oi opon na-
Vbi^U,.i< «^%h f-Th».tt* ,rfli .U.*«..ll. -«•• 1..^ *. ^—..-ll..-^.	
The clouds slept far aloft  aboio the . gcr Jim,"  Ho is an expert trapper and
,_.•-.•.....i. -i....^i._   .... *i._ j._..„„t „,        u 1 j^NVnnan, bufc, rather singularly, con-
,?ideritig these gifts, a poor marksman,
jfor years he lugged about or carried in
his boat an ancient flint-loek Queen's
,,iihn, so deadly in its action that it woidd
Jail pickerel with only a charge of powder, so Jim said; yet he rarely brought
Home any spoils of field or flood but such
*!« wero gained by trap or hook. Once,
however, he made a very telling shot,
{t was on an O.-tober morniug, and ho
was paddling his light trapping-^kiff up
thp channel of Wonakakatuk as silently
iis any Indian eould, when, as he round-
<\1 ft bend, ho saw through the tall
-iiaiks of the wild rice at least a dozen
ducks sitting among tho lily-pads in
ihe edge of the channel, not six
rods    from   him.     Hero     was    his
which the whooItuoBtor passed on hi*
wav to school. An opening in tho trees
revealed tho snow-covered peak of a distant mountain which shone like a beautiful Btar in the fair bosom of day. Tha
wind wafted the spicy odor of the pines.
A brook, singing under its prison Vtall
of ice, seemed liko a voice from fairyland promising spring. The stillness
surrounded one like a dream. The
schoolmaster hung his head in deep
thought. Ho must speak to Phobc. All
hie subtle i^ans to accomplish tliis end
had failed heretofore, and fhe time when
he should leave the place wns nearing.
He had been trying to iind some excuse
to kee2> her after school for a long timo,
in spite of its being held a great di«-
Phebe stammered somethin
sounded liko "I don't know," and
moved flsfm- away from tho table as possiblo.
"Bashful a^ a partridge," he thought, j
" Woll, so much tho hotter; I don't like ,
forward women. She ain't u,sed to see- ;
iti% anybody but lu jibormou, and river-
drivers, and that kind of clodhopi)ors, I j
s'poso, and is kinder ilusteitod af sc-eiu'
ino. But what do I core about her, any- J
how; I've got such a start in the world j
that I ought to xaarry a rich woman. I
Eich widows are plenty every now and ,
then, I don't imagine hor mother has '
got much of any property." -
As soon as he had finished hi3 meal, '
Phebo hastily removed the dishes from
tho table and escaped info tho kitchen, |
and he saw nothing more of hor until
tho noxt morning. She appeared then
in celestial blue, which harmonized wonderfully with the rich sunburn on her
blonde cheek1), and one of the othor
boarders, a handsome, stalwart young
lumberman, who sat beside her at the
table, regarded her with devotion and
talked to hor in a low tone—so low that
no ono else was able to hear what he was
saying.
Phebe seemed filled with confusion,
whiVli   onty thfaS Icim resort to is to 'keep her
c     after school on the pretense of having
discovered her whispering or laughing,"
pacfdle in tho boat without tho slightest
noiie, and a3 silently lifted from her
resting-place his old gun whose true in-
I he said   to iiimself.   "It is mean, I f worthies^ at that moment consisted of
j know, alfired mean, but there's no other . all the powder in hor owner's possession
' w»y-" i and a handful of BB shot, both wadded
Portune turned her face toward liim 1 with a half-pound or so of wa-spuost. He
: that day, however.   Por some reason or • cautiously thrust hor muzzle through
! other, Phobe was in an absent-minded J tlie rieo stalks, cocked her without n
mood and blundered unaccountably in j tell-tale click of the ponderous looic sot
her grammar lesson.     Having   once , the breech-plate   firmly   against ''his
failed,  she went from bad   to worse, i shoulder, laid his cheek to the stock
and got into such a maze of bewilder-, took such long and deliberate aim thu t si
ment that all the other girls laughed at       '" 	
her,
" You will stay a while after school;
to-night, Miss Phebe, and we'll see i
about this lesson," said he, more sternly
than he had intended to speak, with
ring of triumph in his tone.
A murmur of disappointment ran
round lho room, but one glance at the
determined faco. of the master was suffi-
spider, setting his snore among the
rushes, made fast an end of his web to
tba rusty ban-el before Jim, shutting
both eyes, sot his teeth, and with a
sturdy pull unhitched. Thore was a
dazzling flash in tho pan as if a kettleful
of lard had caught hro, ,-iud thon tho
noble weapon belched forth a horizontal
column of flame and smoke, I.i-kodJim
aud liis skiff half the boat's length
astern, and gave a roar that wont bel-
neither hid her face in Her hands, nor
wept, nor betrayed angry defiance.
But the master was in a fever of uneasiness during the remainder of theses-
; sion. Fe half expected rebellion. He
and, beyond a blushing yes or no, made j feared that she woidd attempt to leave
: no reply, but the schoolmaster became
• instantly fired with jealousy, and com-
: menoed to draw all attention to himself
by his boastful and pompons talk. He
talked both of commerce and learning
until the two young lumbermen looked
properly subdued and became silent,
" Speakin' of books," said the landlady, "1 bought one of a peddler Inst
summer. It has got an orful pooty cover, but there's  poetry inside; p'ra'ps
, vcu'd like to read that. I can't say as
how I enjoy sech re'adin' myself, but
Pheba she's all kerried away with it."
i    _" I generally make my own poetry,"
• said the schoolmostez-, grandly.
An awed h'uah succeeded' this announcement, and for the firsfc time Phebe
lifted her eyes and looked the consequential gentleman full iu the face. It
was a shy, brief glance, but filled with
half-awed, half-admiring interest. The
schoolmaster started when he met their
gaze as if he had received a blow, and
from that moment he was a changed
man, so bound by the chains of love
that his mind took no more ambitious
cicnt to hush it.   Phebe accepted the
punishment with comparative coolness. ; lowing down the creek across "tlio'lake"
^!i<l-1V',, ?.eei?3y' °.f c?,lir8?> ^ sho .' 'md was tossed back and forth from Split
Itock mountain to Shellkouso for tive
minutes before it loHfc its voice. When
Jim got Ids eyes opeu and his wits gathered, he peered through lho eddying
smoke and saw—not a feather rained, nor
one wounded duck fluttering its lost, but
some riding tufconceruediy with their
heads lenoeked off and some keel up iu a
quarter-aero of fine splinters. Then up
rose two Boston men fiom among the
the corpse ho was ot work en to Mr,
Hoyt's coat pookots, unbeknown to him,
While one was calling his attention to a
limb that he was difsocting, another
would eufc oft' an oar, or a finger, or a
nose, or dig out au oyo, and drop tlie
same into Mr. Hoyt's overcoat pockets.
Pinally he bid the boys good-by, thanked
them for their courtesies in showing
him around, skipped for the train and
got on board. The seats were all occupied, and a middle-aged lady, with a slim
face aud spectacles, and evidently ait
old maid, allowed hira to sit beside her.
Ths car was warm, and ifc was not long
before the "remains" began to be heard
from. Ho was talking with the lady
when he smelled something. Tho lady
had been smelling it for some milo.*
back, and she had got her oyo on Mi'.
Hoyt, and had put her handkerchief to
her nose. He took a long breath and
said to the lady:
cems sort of fixed here in
i not ?" aud he looked up
•ii fum f o let ner
very much fixed, nnd I believe .you are the man /hat fixed it!"
and she took her saehel and wont fo the
rear of tho car, whero she glared afc him
as though ho was a fat-rendering establishment. Mr. Hoyt devoted a few moments to silent prayer and then liis attention was called to a new-niarriod
couple in tho seat ahead of hini, Thoy
had been having thoir heads close togethor, whou suddenly the bride said:
"Hennery, havo yon boon drinking?"
He vowed by all that was groat and glorious that ho, had not, whon she fold him
that thoro was something about his
breath that reminded her of strong
drink or a paoiriug-honso. Ho allowed
that it was uot him, but admitted that
he had noticed th»re was something
wrong, though ho didn't know but ifc
was some of hor tooth that needed filling.
Thoy wore both mnd at the insinuations
of tlie othor, and the bride loaned on the
window and cried, while the groom
looked the othor wny and acted cross.
Mr. Hoyt was very much anuoyod at the
The only difit-renee between a pig
making a glutton of itsolf audaninu
maldng a pig of liimself is that the pig
at some future day will be cured.
A SEiiKO, after gazing at some Chinese, shook his head und said, solemnly,
"IX de whit" folks be so dark as dat out
dar, I wwi.hr what's de color ob da
black folks.'1
Wr,K sitting on the stile, Mary,
WhMo wa sat long sro ;
Ah, tht-n your hair wasbloci: ai jet,
But now it's hght as tow 1
'Tis tints the chciuiBt's wizard arts
With chauKi's queer confonud us,
And nenl. win 11 memory brings tha hght
Ot ot?ier dajs aj-otiud ns.
"Yes," r;aid a would-be artist, his
eyos beaming with loving prido upon
his latest creation ; "yos, I draw all my
figures from the life." "But," blurted
out Jonas, "who the dencts 'fl it that
draws the life from your fignres, you
know ?"
"How are you aud your wife coining
ou?" askod a Galveston man ui a colored
man. "She has run me off, boss."
"What's the matter ?" "lis to blame,
boss.   I gave her a- splendid white silk
the school-room with the others in spite
oi his command, and sternly resolved to
bo on his guard against sueh a proceeding on her port.
His fears were groundless, however ;
when " -•-•"--     ,...-...
reniaineii
eyes
been a groat deal of laugliing and whispering, a great zaany failures in lessons
that day, but it was a remarkable fact
that no one bufc Phebe was subjected to
so dire a punishment therefor. Venturing to look up, she found herself alone i ain„„i,f.„.
wifch the master, and burst into a flood | fiKwT
of terrified tears.
"Phebe," he said, iu a tender tone,
approaching her desk,  " don't be mad
with me for keeping you here; 'fcwasn't
on account of that miserable lesson, bufc
because   you  wouldn't  give
chauce to speak to you; you
let me tell you how much I set by you
I want you to be my wife."
Phebe's weeping progressed with renewed vigor.
"Tell me, Phebe, are you so mad that
you will never forgive me ?
JSfews.
His mother was putting on her slip-
' per again wheu ho brushed away the
tears, and, afleetionufoly caressing the
, place that smarted most, asked between
liis sobs: "M-nw, d-do yon k-know
why 1-1'm like M-ar;>•>•?" She lookod
at him oro.-vways without speaking, but
ho answered it; "B-bwauso I-I liad a
l-litt'eh?:ji."
Thi-: J5')h"mi;\n X, called on his friend
S., who was found i:i  the society of au
oldorlj'   viituiu.      "My  mother,"   ex-
'plained S.    '-How many have you?"'
1 askedX.: "this i-m't tho same mother
yon introduced mo lo thu last time,"
I "2?o, tlii« is the real  ono; tho other I
' kooji for the creditors v.ho make me
, swe;ir on hor head thnt I will pay them."-
| Second Siuht.-—Tho iveieuee of this
t amusing adjunct fo legerdemain is very
. simple when once understood. The
i conlo.dorat< * sit with their bwks to the-
, audioneo. Tho wonderful siteut ques-
,- tion consisis iu simply putting your
t hand on the hoad of a spectator, from
smell, and made up lus miud it was his i time,to *"»«*> »u,1„ ^I'l'^g witt*. the
dutv to spoak to the groom about it.   So i W!U?d,-, TJie "W£"<«* this stage is in-
-    *-•■*- variably,   "Au   idiot.       This   creates-
much joy.-— .Sail J-Vaii'-imro Pout.
" I don't bolievo in th«":se secret socie-
I ties," said ono Galveston lady to another.    " That's v.h'.v singular," roplied
they poured out upon his curly, devoted
head. Never was such paddling dono
on these wafers as Jim did till he put
half a mile of Wonakakatuk's channel,
seething with his rapid strokes, between
himself and the scene of bloodless
Then he shoved  his  boat
I into the rushes and skulked ashore.
Next day ho offered liis gun for. sale,
giving as a reason that she burned so
much powder no poor man could afford
to keep her. He effected a salo. at §1.50,
aud has done no duck-shooting since,
me any He says, with emphatic shakes of the
wouldn't ■ k^d,   "Any man  that'll try  to fool
j ducks wifch thom wooden images '11 steal
,' sheep 1   Yes, sir, 'course he will! "■—
' Forest and Stream.
I fte&ts: so anxious vdthits doubts and j fift"your"headed rive'meloat one
fears that he lost his flippant manners,    look?"
There seemed to be no hope thafc this
request would be granted.
"Tellme, Phebe. is it because I've
got red hair that you won'fcliave me ? I
know it's pretty red, bufc then I'vo seen
a city preacher wifch redder," in a tono
whioh implied that ho expected doubt
at such au astonishing statement.
Phebe shook her prostrate head emphatically. Her own hair approached
this despised tint.
" Then what is it yon have against
me? Am I too poor? I haven't anything but my farm and its stock, and
they ain't quite paid for, I knpw, but I
mean fo have more before long—that is,
if you'll have me ; if you won% I don't
care what becomes of me."
, Phebe again shook hto head very decidedly.
"Then I ain't genteel enough, or
p'raps yon like that early-headed ohap
and became subdued and silent; so
humbled by its insight that he no longer held his head above his fellows; so
softened and changed by its influence
that his mercenary projects all went to
naught
At the end of the week it was voted
by the other boarders thafc tlie schoolmaster was a "good feller, awfully dif-
frant from what he seemed afc first."
At the end of the month he was called
"kinder grumpy," at the end-cf two
months it was surmised that he was in
love. Never was lover so tormented.
The shyness of his lady-love was remarkable; she was iiever visible except at
meal times and in the school-room, He
spent all liis Ieisiire time in planning
how he coidd meet hez-, but his plans
always failed. If he found heralone in
the Mtchen at work, she would drop
whatever she had in her hands and slip
Impromptu Ingenuity.
A striking instance of ingenuity
taking advantage of tho resources
of
he introduced himself and told tho
groom ha ought to do something to cure
those feet of his. The groom looked at
him indignantly, but Mr. Hoyfc continued :
" You may think it will wear off, bufc
it won't. I "knew a man in Fond dn Lac
whose feet perspired as bad as yours,
and ifc was almost impossible to stay in a
oom with him. Ho had to slopp with
is feefc out the window, and the neighbors complained to the health ofiicers.
One day he—"
At this point the bridegroom callod
his wife, and they indignantly left the
car. Mr. Hoyfc was annoyed. The
smell remained, and jieople all around
him got up and went to the forward end
of tho car, or to the rear, and tiere were
a dozen empty seats when the conductor
came in, and tats of peoplo standing up.
The conductor got one sniff and said:
"Whoever has got that piece ot'Lim-
berg.cheese in, his pocket wiU have to go
in the emigrant car." They all lookod
at Hoyt, aud the conductor went up to
him and asked him if he didn't know
any better than to be carrying around
such cheese as that. Hoyt said ho
hadu't got no cheese. The conductor
insisted that ha had, and told him to
turn his pockets wrong side out. Hoyfc
jabbed lus hands into his pockets, and
felt something cold and clammy. He
drew his bauds out empty, turned pido,
nature in an emergency is found in Sh-iand mi_ j^ didn't have any cheese.
SamueiTJaker s account of hia travels in [ The conductor insisted on his feeling
Abyssinia, His stoek of soap had bo- Ȥ;aiii, and he brought to the surface a
como exhausted; and as he possessed eoaple of hufnau ears, a finger and a
abundance of various kinds of fat, in-   thumb.
cludiug that of elephants, luppopotami, "What in the name of tlie apostles
Horn and rimtoceros, he determined to; bave you got tliere?" says the conductor,
convert a quantity of the grease into! «Do you belong to any canning estab-
soap. Por this purpose he required J lishment that sehds canned missiouoiy
both potash and lime; and how were to tlie heathen cannibals?" Hoyfc told
these to be obtained? Tho negleek the conductor to -dome hi' the "baggage
tree, ho found, was exceptional ly rich in j ear and he wouid explain all; and as he
potosh; ho therefore burned a large < passed by the passengers, wifch both,
quantify, and mode a sfciong lyo with   hands full of the remains, the passengers
the ashes, which ha concentrated by
boilipg. There was no limestone; but
the river produced ft plentiful supply of
oyster shells, which, if burned, produce
excellent lime. What was next wanted
was a kiln in which to bum the Bhells,
and this ho constructed oufc of one of
those great ant hilis, which rise to tea
were ready to lynch Hoyfc. He told the
conductor where he had been, and the
boys had played ifc on. him', and the
fingers and things were thrown beside
the track, Afterward Hoyfc went in the
ear and tried to apologize to the old
maid, but she said if he didn't go away
from her she woidd Stream.  Hoyfc woiild
the other. "Your husband is a "Forrester, a Knight of Pythias, and a Knight
of Honor, and von will have at least
$10,000 when he dies." "But what
good does' thafc do mo," was the tearful
response, " when he never dies ?" And
Qia poor creature burst into tears.—-
Galnittou News,
A wiiEST, proceeding to the chapel
one Sunday morning through the burial
ground, observed several sprightly girls
seated on a tombstone; and, wishing to-
be jocular with them, asked what they
Were doing there. "STothing at all,
plaze yer riverence," waa the reply'of
one of them. "Nothing!" vsaid die,
'' What is nothing'!" " Shut your eyes,,
your riverence," retorted one of tha
girls, "and you'll see it."
There's a Use for Everything,
Small Ohild—" B-r-e-a-d—bread."
JNTursc— " Now of course you know
what bread is made froin,  and what it
ia'for?"
Small Ohild—"Tt'B made from flour
- aud yeast, and everybody knowa what
it's for." '
Smaller Ohild—" Yes, I should tihk
so : it's to put jam and 'lasses and butter
on ; that's what it's for."
Pobmo opinion on the subject of
faithless husbands is very strong ia
Somerset, Ky. Mr. Jjoye was that kind,
of an offender. His wife led a moh
ngainst him. He fled hastily," without
•coat, trousers, or boots, with the crdwd
in close ptirsut. At the end of a mile
he was overtaken, and left suspended,
head downward,-from a tree, Hewae
almost frozen to death when, two hour»
afterward, a humane preacher cut him
down.      x	
Must frequently make great reputations, by hever actually doing anything.
Sometimes they d<i it by telling how
things should- be done; sometimes, by
Assuming to know all aboufc it, and
sometimes by just keeping still aud
looking wise.
i\
^Anv_
e+v-k    t.i. -