1881-05-07; Clare County Press

              '/'il ' '
1 T   fc'    ■     *"
7^-*^-    '«"•■—■*
per Year, Always in Advance.
A 5ewspape%|# Clare County.
VOLUifjE III.
=fc
D. E. AWARD, Publisher.
CLARE, MICHIGAN,; SATURDAY, MAY 7, 1881.
NUMBER 15.
WHY THB WUINKL.ES  COMB.
Uttle Bo Peep climbs on to my knee—
Little Bo Peep Ib four yeara old,
Aad whut hor bright bluo eye? don't >m
Would need & microscope to behold.
Bhe pulls my beard—that's one ot her tasks;
She pokea my cheek with her Httle tat thumb,
Then gazing atrnight in my fao* »he aaka:
" 'What Ib lt tliat makes the wrinkles come 7y
All, Uttle Bo Peep, you cannot guesa
How hard is the question you tints propound;
It calls for greater wisdom (or loss)
Than ever philosopher yet has found.
There waa »timo, my little Bo,Poep,
When my tuce was as smooth rs yours is now.
When never u lino or wrinkle deep
Had lett its Imprint on my brow.
A Ume whon I woko from balmy Bleep
To find lifo always a glad surprise:
When I laughed aB you laugh, my little Bo Peep,
And looked on the world with Uie same big eye*.
Ah, well, I laughed and loved and grew old,
Working away at llfo'a hard aum,
And half was droea that I dreamed waa gold—
And so tho wrinkles began to come 1
Tee, that ls the way, ray little Bo Peep-
As near as I can tell you now—
That is the way the furrowa deop
Ono by ono orept over my brow.
Wl»in I Baw the glad, bright dreama of youth,
Liko tho rospB of Bummer, wither away;
When I learned how the fragrant flower of truth
Bythe thistles of falsehood were strangled ono day;
Wben the faith I placed In man waa returned
By man's ingratitude, blacker than night;
When tho bard and bitter truth had beon learned
That might, in this world, too often makes right;
When I saw tho good borne down and oppressed,
The wicked triumphant in their shame,
Tbe SamariUm scorned and the Pharisee blessed—
Mien, little Bo Peep, the wrinkles camo I
Bnt may you in the sunshine forever bask,
So that, when tho yeara Bhall havo made you gray,
#omo future B i Peep, gazing at you, shall aBk:
" What Is it that keeps the wrinkles away?"
Oh a Blackboard,
, Mildred Parmenter sat in tlie little
parlor, beating her feet impatiently on
the striped rag carpet. Two neighbors
had dropped in to see her aunt, and the
three ladies, with their knitting-work
and occasional resort to their black
papier-mache snuff-boxes, were discussing the probable fate of a disagreeable
farmer in the vicinity, whose theft ol " a
yearling" was the chief topio of conversation in all the farm houses within a
radius of a dozen miles.
Mass Mildred caught up her hat and
.•auntered out of the front door. Only a
few rods away were the pine woods—
-cool, still and fragrant.
A wagon came rattling, along the
■crooked, sandy road. Her uncle was
returning fron^a trip to the village, and,
aS he drove into the shed, he called out
toher:
e^ "Itttfgfa. dart**."   ,
waif Btfiikta a aaughtcrholia'd lost. " She
waited for the letters, not vory impatiently. There were only two of them.
The one from her sister she opened first,
•'"And Mr. Elson came yesterday,"
ran one of the paragraphs. " We told
him of your fancy to bury yourself all
summer in the rural districts, but os-
sured him you would join him for a
week, at least, beforo we returned to
iSew York. Of course that is the only
thing that prevents him from leaving
the Springs at once. By the way, he
heard before he came up that it is all
over between you and Oscar, who is engaged to that cousin of his, Ella Hunt,
who was always held up as a model of
all the virtues. I don't doubt that sho
is exactly suited to liim. Mamma is delighted that Mr. Elson is going to stay
with us. You know, Milly, what she
has Bet her heart on, and of course you
won't disappoint us all."
Yes, Mildred reflected, she was altogether the proper person for Oscar
Brant, and with a queer little laugh she
thought of. the hopeless difference between herself and this most admirable
woman. But the laugh was so near
akin to a sob that she dared not trust
herself to go on thinking. She caught
up the other letter, from a young lady
sojourning at Saratoga. It was addressed
in a large, dashing hand, covering the
whole envelope. "Why will Bhe use
violet ink ? " was Mildred's thought as
ahe opened it. It was as dashing inside
as out,
" Xou are certainly a gay deceiver, my
d/»r. To think that your 'health required rest and mountain air, so that
you could neither give your family nor
me the pleasure of your society. I understand it all now, and really I can't
blame you. Oscar Brant is more entertaining than a hotel full of people and
handsomer than ever. I saw him for
just a moment en route for Champlain
with his party. Camping out must be
such fun. Aid to think you have an
uncle so conveniently near. Of course
you.see Oscar every day or two."
" More news! " How little her Saratoga friend guessed at the truth in tbe
case. And Oscar Brant was only four
miles away. She could not help it now
if the tear's came. Why could they not
let her alone, she thought. Sho had
come up to the New England hills to
gain some of the strength and peace she
had lost after she and Oscar Brant had
parted. She must try for it harder than
ever now that the time drew near for
her return to the city.
Her mother and sisters would wait for
her at the Springs. Mr. Elson would
wait, too—Mr. Elson, worth half a million, 60 years old, his head bald and
shiny; a short, fat, fussy'man, who had
" grown a little stouter." Ugh 1 They
would all go home together, to the fall
fashions and dinner parties and formal
calls.
She went back to the house presently.
She would conquer this foolishness, So
she told herself, as she had kept saying
over and over again the whole summer
long. She would conquer her temper,
too; grow humble and docile and patient.
Slipper was nearly ready when she
oame in; a beautiful appeal to' an artistic
eye, with its heap of snow-white biscuits,
deep golden butter and purple grape
jelly, but the ilowers with which she
always decked the table she had forgotten tliat afternoon. She went at once
into the garden, meeting her uncle as
he jiassed by with the foaming milk
pails.
" Don't forget my hollyhock, darter,"
he called out as he passed along. Hollyhocks were a standing joke between
them.
When she came again her uncle was
carrying on a spasmodic conversation
with his -wife, who, out of sight in the
buttery, was straining the milk,
"An' if they can't find some one to
take the school," he was saying, " it'll
hev to be shut up awhile."
. "What school?" Mildred asked, caring less for tho answer than for the
effect of a great pansy she whs setting
among the china-asters.
'' Here in our own deestrict. Teacher's
sick, an' they can't seem to find no one
to take her place."
"How many scholars are there?" sho
asked, a sudden iinxmlee taking possession of her.
"Not more'n twenty, I reckon. It's
a summer school.'tain'tnever very large."
" Uncle, wouid they let me tako it?"
"You, darter!"
"Yes, I believe I should enjoy it and
it would do me good, beside giving the
teacher a little help. She looks as if she
needed help.'
So it came about that Mildred Parme-
ter, meetmg the children in the road
early next morning, introduced herself
to them as the lady who would take
care of them till their teacher got well.
It was a queer littlo log school-house
to which they went, one of the primitive sort. Erom all the windows were
magnificent views of the mountains,
but Mildred improved even on that advantage by occasionally having recitations out of doors, a departure from tho
orthodox fashion very gratifying to the
youthful mind. She had little contact
with the country people, and the peculiar dialect, the homely simplicity of
life and marked characteristics of her
pupils continually amused her,
Bobby Whitman, her youngest scholar,
had a strong propensity for chewing
gum, a habit wliich seriously interfered
with a naturally defective articulation,
but one which he sacrificed for the good
graces of his teacher.
With Maggie Wetherbee, one of her
oldest pupils, she formed almost an intimacy, listening withinterest to thelong
confidences twanged through a very
pretty nose 4 about tho trials in tending
Poor Maggie, sho learned, was also
the victim of an ardent attachment,
severely disapproved at home, for "a
hand " employed during haying on her
father's farm. Between these two extremes in age, she found almost every
variety of taste and disposition, realizing that she had entered on a fertile
field of usefulness and enjoyment.
She wrote to her sister a very comical
account of her experiment, laughing
loud as she pictured the disgust of her
lady mother, indulged in the wildest
dreams of an independent career, and in
a few weeks had become convinced that
there was really a great deal in life worth
living for,
It wns little Harley Jones' turn that
week to "rid up " the school-house, as
he termed it, and Mildred wondered, for
two successive days at the cluster of
flowers which she found on her desk.
The great double geraniums seemed to
flash their scarlet fjlory all over the
room ; and the heliotrope, too, her favorite flower, in masses of purple beauty,
filled the. air with its fragrance.
A spray of it, with a few delicate ferns,
anothei of her delights, was laid upon
the Bible opened at the chapter with
which she began the day's exercises.
Harley Jones had certainly a taste and
appreciation for which she h».d nover
given him credit.
He was vigorously cleaning the blackboard one morning, and she came in
just in time to see the last few words as
he erased them. The writing Btruck her
peculiarly.
"What did you rub out, Harley?"
she asked, hanging up her hat in the
corner.
" Something you writ yesterday, Miss
Carpenter.   I was writin' it over."
She smiled at the name. He never
could get it right, but she corrected the
other slips in his speech.
"You mean something, Harley, and
you should say I wrote it. Can you remember ?"
"He just done it hisself," piped up a
voice behind them. " I seen him when
I come in."
" 0, Johnnie Mack !" was the teacher's exclamation, '' after I have told you
so many times." Yet no possible mutilation of verbs seemed to affect her love
for the offenders, or to diminish her
patience with them, and in the course of
the day she noticed that Harley Jones
had really made vast improvements in
his copy-book. But she had occasion to
reprove Maggie Wetherbee as they
walked home together that night.
"I saw you talking with a mon this
morning, Maggie, when I came across
the lot. Is it possible that you meet
anyone in that way outside your father's
house ?"
" But it wasn't him," stammered Maggie, growing red,
"Himl   Who?"
" Why, Bill, that I told you about. I
didn't expect to meet him," she added,
growing redder under the consciousness
of how easily the stranger could mako
her false to Bill. " He's boardiugsome-
where round, and just asked how soon
•school would be out. He's drawing a
picture of our school-house—and that's
all. He had lots of pictures in a bier flat
book." e
lightful work in the world, and
found the happiness of her life
blackboard.
A strolling artist, Mildred thought.
She knew nothing about artists, but had
an idea they were rather inoffensive people. Still she determined to watch Maggie. She must not drift into any danger.
• Mildred went earlier to school the next
morning, earlier even than Harley Jones.
Fresh flowers were on the desk again, but
with a great start she saw the figure of
a man at the blackboard writing. "I
am lieie," were the words he was rapidly
tracing with the chalk, "and must see
you if—"
Just then he turned, conscious of a
presence, but not before she had recovered her self-possession. t
"Good morning," she said, quietly,
extending her hand, and, with a smile,
glanced from his face to the blackboard.
He caught her hand and held it.
"Mildred, ara you ready to forgive
me yet?"
She drew her hand away and stepped
back. "I have nothing to forgive in
you, Oscar. I was angry when I saw
you last, but I was the one to blame.
Forgive me."
He looked at her in astonishment;
she seemed so utterly unlike herself.
»B^FX-—-
THE FAMILY DOCTOR.
JTms eyes of a child under a year old
siwd not bti allowed to meet the blaze
ffewi unshaded light.
■'. II? we take the word of Dr. Gursoh-
•2SSini,> consumption may be cured by
inhaling pure carbolic acid and oil of
turpentine.
^Jjimpijb Drink fob Dxspeptios.—A
most palatable drink for a weak stom-
,aelf is a pint oE the best milk and a pint
"of cold water, adding a well-beaten egg,
.■jvith'snltto Buit,
; TEhm Youb Sleep.— Nothing gives
\ntjr0 mental and bodily vigor than sound
•rcfct. when iiroporly applied. Sleep is
-■flic great repleijisher, and if wo neglect
jtotnke it naturally in childhood, all the
V;U'so for us when we grow up. If we
r«fi.to bed early, we ripen; if we sit up
Jitig, we decay; and, sooner or later, we
fatraot a disease called insomnia, airing it to be permanently fixed upon
[ and then we decay, even in youth,
ijsjte hours are shadows from tho grave.
[ How to Oure a Cold.—A medical
jif-hrnal tells how one man was cured of
And haye you got over your love as \ j^old : *<He boiled a little wormwood
well as your anger, Mildred ?" -kSS^   Itorehound  together,   and  drank
.The quick color flashed all over her Tfeely of the mixture before going to
face.    She looked like herself once more
aa she answered :
"That question is in poor taste, Oscar
Brant. I have not congratulated you on
your engagement to y onr cousin Ella. I
do so heartily," she went on, plunging
along into a chaos of words lest shor^Crtd slapped on a  mustard-plaster in-
should break down utterly; "she is good
and gentle and—and everything tliat 1
am not She—" her voice failed her
after all.
"Why, Mildred, what in the world-
are you talking about ?"   His arms were
shoulder.    " Where did you hear such a'
ridiculous story ?"
ly, "Miss Parmenter—" then stopped,
bewildered at the sight boforo her oyes.J
Bobby Whitman and Harley Jones had
been quarreling. They came up behind
Maggie, each eager to exonerate him-
of their teacher made friends of them in>
Harley, as he nudged Bobby; but Maggie hustled them both out of the room
without ceremony, hurrying after herself, and before the teacher recalled them
.bed." The next day he took five pills,
.put'one kind of plaster on his breast,
another under his arm, and still another
tin his back. Upon advice from an experienced old lady he took all these off
i>Ith an oyster-knife in tho afternoon,
stead. Then he put some hot bricks on
liis foet and went to bed. Next mom-
jJig another old -lady camo in with a
bottle of goose-oil, and gave him a dose
ot it on a quill; and an aunt arrived
, itbout the same timo with a bundle of
around her.   She was sobbing on his};,«nreet fern, which she made into tea and
! gave him every'half-hour until noon, when
ito took a big dese of salts.   After din
Maggie Wetherbee entered breathless-;, ner, his wife, who had seen a fine old
lady of great experience in doctoring,
i^iye liim two pills of her own make,
about the size of a walnut and of similar
<<hape, and two teaspoonfuls of homemade balsam to keep them down.   Then
self.   But the wet eyes aud flushed fac&wfe took a half-pint of hot rum, at the
tiuggestion of an old sea Captain -yisiting
stantly.    "Is it her beau?" whispered.[ in the next house, and steamed his legs
with on alcohol bath. At this crisis
. twu of his neighbors arrived, who saw
*at once that his blood was out of order,
iind gave him a half-gallon of spearmint
the question appeared to have been sat- > ten and ft big dose of caStor-oil.   Before
isfactorily answered. '„   "^omj* fo Tied ho took eight of a new kind
Itwas well that tha regular teacher ^af^illsj/wrappod about his neck a flan-
could resume her duties the next week./; Mil soaked in hot vinegar and, salt, and
for by that timo Mildred was abn^lite#i^l*^ifthers buwied on a shovel iu his
»>5?!SlTo  i& now. cured'and. full ..of
willin c. fo
-vp the
■ra—
2M
i
Preserving Farmers WlTes.
" We have seen a great many kinds of
preserves, but we havo tho first well-
preserved farmers' wife yet to see. There
ore well-preserved old maids, and old
bachelors. We have heard of the latter
being pickled, but have never seen a
specimen, though it strikesus they would
m ik? a bettor irieklu than preserve. But
the poor, tired farmer's wife never finds
time to preserve herself. It is always
peaches, peurs, plums, &c., standing
over the hot stove all the the time. If
it were not for stopping to take the baby
now and then, she would certainly be a
perpetual motion, and all this just to
tiekie the palate of her liege lord and
his mule friends, for certainly women's
alimentive bump is so benumbed while
standing over the steaming, roosting
mess of conglomerated victuals, that she
has no appetite for the same when done.
"Now, we eome before you with a
recipe to preserve farmer's wives. Never
worry, take all the rest that is needed to
recuperate your strength, that has been
wasted over the preserving pan. Get
you a washing machine, a sewing machine and an organ. Head, and keep
yourself posted so you cau talk with your
husband; havo something new to tell
him, and don't always be under the
constrained duty of keeping silent and
learning of him. Go to all the publie
gatherings with him. This gives you the
change that is so much needed. Do not
think you can not spare tho time. If he
cau, you certainly can. You will find it-
will add years to your youth and
health.
'•According to statistics there are
mere farmers' wiyes in tho insane
asylums than of any other class. This
is simply because there is not enough
change iu their lives, as they have but
ono round of duties to be gone through
with, year hi and year out. We have
read that you could put a sane person in
a walled-up room and confine him there
and he would soon become insane; and
we have come to the conclusion that it
is the want of thiB change that drives
farmers' wives to insanity. The average
farmers' wife has not.even reading matter provided for her. 'The farmer generally takes a paper that'gives the markets and his political views. This satisfies
him, and he never takes a thought but
what it is all sufficient for her. There
are very few women who have been educated to take an interest in politics, and
they should have something suited to
their tastes. We heard a farmers' wife
say, not long since, that she had never
read, a word in a newspaper since Bhe had
been a married woman. If that woman
is preserved physically, She certainly is
not mentally. Farmers' wives, take more
time to preserve yourselves, and let some
of the other preserving go. Your families wiil be just as healthy, and you will
be able to serve them better.—Read by
a Lady be/ore a Missouri .Grange.
Theiik was a young lady named lair,
Who artistically baiiged hef front hair;-
Hor face she would powder
To make hor look louder,
And ber skirts—Well, ahe liad nono to spare.
Nasal Catabbh.- -We condense some
a'f leading points from an excellent paper
" ou the subject, read by Dr. Bosworth
before tho New York Academy of Medicine: The nasal cavity and the pharynx
(tho cavity of the mouth back of the soft
palate) are alike covered with a mucous
membrane; are alike traversed by the
current of air in respiration; are alike
exposed to inflammation from changes
of temperature and from inbreathed
dust, and are alike without means of
cleansing from hurtful accumulatioas.
Tho mucous membrane keeps itself
moist aud soft by its own peculiar secretion. Its iuflainination is the source
of nasal catarrh. When inflamed the
secretion is either increased or diminished. In the latter case we havo '' dry"
catarrh. In both cases the inflammation
tends to become chronic—the liability
to "colds" constantly increasing, and
each now one helping toward the chronic
condition. In both cases—and this is
the worst fact about it^—tho membrane
is thickened by the inflammation, and
in time may becomo permanently so, to
the extent of closing up the passages.
When the inflammation causes an increased flow of mucus it may also cause
tho white blood corpuscles to exude
from the blood vessels, and thus render
the mucus purulent or pus-like. This
finds exit into the pharynx, where it
either accumulates between its roof and
the palate, or falls into the throat. The
nasal passages becoming obstructed, the
patient is forced to breathe through his
mouth, whereby the disease is extended
to the larynx and toward the lungs. In
dry catarrh the thickened membrane
crowds upon the mucous glands and arrests then- natural activity. In this case
the mucus is thick, dries rapidly, and
forms a tenacious crust, beneath which
the imprisoned secretions undergo degeneration, and become fetid and offensive. The disease should have the early
attention of a physician. When the
membranes have become hypertrophied
(thickened) it is difficult t ° reduce them
except by painful operations, and then
the result is not certain. In many cases
round masses of flesh develop far -within
the nostrils, which wholly close up the
passages, and can be removed only by
Instruments.
Capturing Monkeys.
Tlie monkeys are frequently captured
in nooses and traps built in the shape of
houses. Tho only entrance is a trapdoor in the roof, Which communicates
with a trigger set upon the ground.
Food is spread about inside, the monkeys enter, and, slcirmi-hing around,
disturb the trigger, and the. trap shuts
them in. The third method for catching them is a most ludicrous one. An
old, hard cocoanut is taken, and a yery
small hole made in the shell. Eurnished
with this and a pocketful of boiled rice,
the sportsman sallies into the forest,
and stops beneath" a treo tenanted by
monkeys. Within, full sight of these inquisitive spectators he iirst eats a little
rice and then puts a quantity into the
cocoanut with all the ostentation possible. The n\it is then laid upon the
ground, nnd the hunter retires to a convenient ambush. The reader maybe
sure that no sooner is the man out of
sight than the monkeys race helter-skelter for the cocoanut. The first arrival
peeps into it, and, seeing the plentiful
store of rice inside, squeezes his hand
in tlirough the tiny hole, and clutches a
handful. Now, so paramount is greed
over every other feeling connected with
monkey nature, that nothing will induce
the croature to relinquish his hold,
With his hand thus clasped 'he cannot
possibly extract it, but the thought that
if he leaves go one of his brethren will
obtain the feast is overpowering. T|ie
sportsman soon appears upon the scene;
the unincumbered monkeys fly in all directions, but the unfortunate brute, who
still will not let the rice go, is thereby
handicapped beyond hope with a cocoa-
nut as large as liimself—a state of affairs
quite fatal to rapid locomotion, either
terrestrial or arboreal. The sequel is
that he falls an easy capture to the hunter, a victim to liis own greed. Even
when caught he reads in the actions of
his captor a design to rob him of his
rice, and he clutches it all the harder;
and the very first thing he does when
the nut is cracked and the hand released
is to cram its contents into his mouth.
Thoughts of escape come afterward.—
London Field.
HUMORS OF THE DAY.
«01
Pie,
ret.
Thelittlewizenedupman, whobrought
us eggs and butter all winter, furnished
the motive power of this creed as he
furnished us amusement all tho long
stowny season, -with his_ tri-monthly
comings and his quaint sayings.
"Pet made this," he would say, taking
out a roll of yellow butter, as sweet and
delicious as if made of June clover-fed
cream. "She's a master hand at butter,
Pet is, though J churned it. She don't
do any of that work, you may be sure,
now."
Sometimes he would bring a batch of
eggs larger and dearer than usual.
"Pet's been two weeks Baying them,"
he would say; "her speckled hen laid
every one—they're rich—they are. Pet
wants ten cents more for them, to buy
fal-lals with."
We got to calling her Pet, too, bofore
the winter was through, and by degrees
wo learned that our bittter-and-eggsman
had not been of much account until Pet
took hold of him—in fact, he had been
a hard drinker and was running a farm
to waste when he met an angel of deliv-
erence in his wife.
"She were a colledgo graduet, too. I
heard, her speak lier piece the last day.
Lor'! Wasn't she fine—hair as yoller as
gold, and all kind o' puffed 6M., Poor
little tWngl  .She don't get time f<? fix it
meekly.
We drew pictures to ourselves of "tho
sweet girl graduate in her golden hair"
chasing the speckled hen, and.milking
the brindle cow, and we made a little
heroine of her, wondering how she could
give up her school life to redeem such
an ordinary man; and yet there were
good streaks about him, too. He was
bo good humored, so patient, and loved
his little wife so devotedly.
We often pictured her "to ourselves as
a frail little thing, struggling with milk-
pans and churns, and consoling her
starved soul with glowing sunsets, or
ideal dreams that enveloped her in rose-
colored glory aB she toiled in the life she
had chosen.
We hoped her lord and master was not
a hard task-setter; but blue eyes and a
benevolent smile do not always denote a
good heart, and we sometimes feared
that he shirked hia duties, and only came
to town with the produce because it was
pleasanter than staying at home. Once
we were going to send a book—a new
story—to Pet, but her husbaud discouraged us. ' 'She hain't time to bother
with readin'; the minute she gets through
she goes to bed," and we concluded she
must have a hard time of it, though the
little man did sound her praises so
loudly.
One day we happened to go into the
country, and as it was in the direction oi
our egg-and-butter man's house, we determined to call and see Pet, talung for
an excuse the fact that we were just out
of butter. As we drove up we noticed
the scrupulous neatness of everything,
and had reached the front door, when it
opened, and a tall woman stood in the
way, with arms-a-kimbo.
She was the tallest woman wehad ever
imagined, and as. we looked at her
aghast,' the youngest of our party observed sotto voce:
"We should have brought a step-
ladder with us."
"Woll," said the woman, looking at us
with the coldest china-blue eyes, that
were intensified by a crown of fiery-red
hair, "what do you want ?"■
We closed ranks for protection and
mumured iu concert something that had
a sound like "butter."
"Well, you can't get any butter here.
My man is down sick with influeuzy, and
as. soon as he's up he'll take it all to tho
city to some folks that never can get
enough, I wish they had to churn it, I
reckon they'd eat less grease then."
"Pet," piped a feeble voice that we
knew, from the interior of the house:
"Who be you talkin' to?"
"Never you mind! jest shet up and go
to sleep; there's a big churnin' waitin'
for you."
She never asked us in — she was
as clean and neat aud narrow and
vixenish as she could be, and her long,
muscular arms were bare to the shoulders, nnd she stood before us like grim
fate. We slowly backed off the door
step, looked np and up to the freckled
face and cold blue eyes, then turned and
incontinently fled!
As we scrambled into our carryall the
youngest cast one look at the inexorable
figure in the doorway and murmured:
"O, Pet, Pet, Wherefore art thou, Pet!"
—Detroit Free Press. ,f>
The song of the billiard ball:
carom me back,"
The pnntry   cook sings   "good
sweet tart, good pie."
The play of Uncle Tom's Cabin is all
on account of Eliza.   Stowe this away.
"A splendid ear, but a poor voice,"
as the organ grinder said of the donkey.
How shall we reach the boys?—Mrs.
Livermore.   Take a little longer shingle.
Miss Bbaddon's latest work should be
dedicated to Eli Perkius. Its title is,
"Just as I Am, or A Living Lie."—
Lobkport Union.
Theodobe Mobe had married eight
different women. So whenever he joined,
a party of villagers in a frolic they welcomed" him with, "The More, tho mar-
rier."—Rome Sentinel.
Letter from hi? well beloved to a.
young gummy: "Finally, my ownest
own, understand that I love you moro
for your defects than yo'ur moral qualities,
and thus judge of tho boundlessness of
my love for you!"
"Do you think," asked a college student of a professor of theology, "that
the lion aud the lamb have never yet
laid down together?" "I don't know,"
answered the professor, "but if thoy
have, I have no doubt that the lamb waa
missing from that date."
A passengeb in getting off of a South
EM horse car handed the conductor
tliree cents, Double that amount was.
demanded. "I shan't give you any
more," replied the passenger, "for I
have only ridden half as far as I intended. "—Boston Courier.
She laid her cheek on the easy chair-
baok against his head and murmured,
"How I do love to rest thus against your
dear head, Augustus!" "Do you?" said
he; "is it because you love me, darling."
"No; because it is so nice and soft!"
Then he lay and lay, and thought and
thought.
A woman will work a month to fabricate xn'otection for a chair, and thon
when it is in place an edict is promptly
issued forbidding any man sitting on
that chair, through fear of spoiling the
tidy, It is the best chair protector thafc
possibly could be desirecL—Rochester
Courier.
An orator at a St. Patrick's Day convocation was heard to divest liimself of
the following: "An fhere wud Oireland
be the day, ef the feyther ev St. Patrick
had tuk it in his hid to shtay a bachelor?
Be the Same token she'd niver been
shrakin' Erin go brag, for divil a thing
wud there be to brag about."—YonJcers
boy "Bay," with the impression that it
would be a difficult one for his companions to nickname. The first time the lad
returned home from school he informed
his gentle parent that the boys called
him "Snootsy," and the stunned woman
couldn't imagine how "Ray" could be
corrupted into such a beastly appellation.
A pabts of Chicago young ladies and.
gentlemen were sailing on the lake. A
heavy squall came on and capsized tho
boat, but before she careened one of the
young men, with great presence of mind,
cried out: "Throw yourshoes overboard,
girls—quick." The suggestion was only
partly obeyed. All those who managed,
to lay hold of a shoe crawled into it and.
were saved. The rest were lost.—Globe-
■Dciiwcrat.
Two country spinsters were stopping
at a friend's house iu Boston, after their
return from a scientific lecture. Thoy
occupied the same apartment, aud shortly after midnight one of them started
up, and awakening the other, exclaimed
in great trepidation: "Betsey, I believe-
there is a man under the bed!" Betsey
merely raised her, finger in an admonitory way, and replied: "Don't make a
noise then, Jane, you may scare him
away."  	
People Who Are Rubbish.
"De odder Sunday arternoon," said
Brother Gardner of the Lime-Kiln Olub,
as he gave a tug at his shirt collar, "I
stopped to look ober a colleckshun of
stuff in a yard on Brush street. Dnx
was a heap, of ole chairs, two ole stoves,
two or tliree lounges, a broken bedstead,
two ole mattresses an' I doan' know
what else. De stuff spread ober a quarter of an acre of groun' an' yit de hull
pile wasn't worf 15 cents. I turned
from de yard to de worl' aroun' me an' I
foun' de same result. Dar am heaps of
people, spreadoberavastamount ob territory, who am but rubbish to de rest of de
world. Dey occupy groun' dat am wanted for better use. Dey consume time
an' food an' room wliich belong to better
men. De man wid his hands in liia
pockets am rubbish for good men to-
stumble ober. De man who sits on a
dry-goods box am an ash-heap on life's,
highway. De drunkard am an alley
full ot blind ditches. Take de worl' as
you find it an' one-half do people in it
seem to have come along jist to fill up
an' keep de weeds down. We doan*
want members simply to fill up wid.
Uncle David Cane war' axin' me to present his name, an' I had to smile. He-
began life fifty years ago with a dog an'
a wheelbarrow, an' he's nebber seen de-
day dat he had two dogs an' a wheelbar-
v w. He's stood an' stood an' sot an'
sot, an' he's had no mo' to do wid runnin' the worl' dan a gate-post. Trustee-
Hornback war also saym' dat he'd liko
tojine us. You've all seen him. He-
sticks boaf hands down in his pockets-
an' walks along wid his head down anT
lus back humped up. He eats an' sleepsi
an' moves about, but he's a hitchin''
post. Be keerful whom you recommend, an' be twice as keerful whom you
yote in. No man who carries his hands
in hiB pockets kin keep pace wid de
world."
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