1881-06-04; Clare County Press

              .^pfcfcas; s^s^s**^
■!*i^r^5^y!^^^?^'^j«y'pfjwi??!*--!^ wi|w ■■"*i'j,i ^"^''■•'"ifsjpi "^"T ''" ■* V"^ ^PRt
^ffB» -^*'j«*  ***«■<     *.«^r^-4-(tfl)i.^^
ESS.
$1.50 per Year, Always in Advance.
A Newspaper fo^pire County.
 —  - ^£&h^—. _
E. ALWARD, Publisher.
VOLUME III.
XIIES JiNCIilSH JCiAN«UA«13.
CLARE, MICHIGAN, SAflJRDAY, JUNE 4, 1881.
NUMBER 19.
A pretty deer to dear to ine,
A hare with downy liair;
T lovo a hart with all iny heart,
But barely hear a bear.
Tin plain that uo one taken a plans
To huve a pair of pearn;
A rake, though, often takes a rake
To tear away the tares.
All ri-.yn raise thyme, timo razes all;
And, through tho whole, hole wears.
A writ iu writing " right," may write
It " wight," ami Btiil ho wrong—
For " write " and " rite " are neither " right,"
And don't tb write belong.
Boer often brings a bier to man,
Coughing a eullln bringH,
And toomueh ale will make us ail,
Ah well aa other thing*.
The pemm lit a who saj-B Uo lies
When he iuhut reclining,
And when co'immptivo folks decline,
They all decline declining.
A quail don't quail before a storm—
A bough will bow before it;
We can not rein the ruin at all—
No earthly powers reign o'er it.
Tbe dyer dy.es awhile, then dies;
To dye he'B always trying,
TTntjlupon biR dying-bed
Ho thinks no moro of dyeing.
A sou of Mars mai-H many a sun;
All Di-ys must have their days,
And every knight thuuld pray oach night
To him who \vtighB his wayB.
'Tie meet that man should mete out meat
To fue.1 uiisiurtuni's son;
The fair should fare ou love alone,
Eiso one eau uot b < won.
Alan, alaa 1 is Bonn thing false;
Of faults a meld is male;
Her wuist Is but a barren waste—
Though stayed, she is not slaid.
Tbe springs spring forth in Bpring, and shoots
Shoot forward, one and nil;
Though summer kills the nocsrs, it leaven
Thcleaiei to ful iu fall.
I would a story hire commence,
But jou might find it etalo;
So let's suppose that wo h »vo reaohed
Tho tail end of our tale.
Story of a
"r   ' A summer seldom passes tliat tho ery
" - '.     of "Mad dog!" Ls not heard in some direction or another; and many and strin-
-.       Kent aro the police regulations put in
.   '       force  to f*unrd  against  tlie perils of
■ hydroxihobia.   More than one unhappy
dog, innocent of anytliing except fright
'   *■     or thirst, panic at being hunted, or having lost his way or master, has fallen a
liotini to mistaken zeal.   One day during last summer a peddler woman'walk-
ing along the road observed a dog be-
,   '      longing to the neighborhood  trotting
calmly before her.   She knew who was
his owner and also that tho animal was
not far from home.   A grassy bank wns
, ,     beside the footpath, and in this bank
_   *     was a wasp's nest.   The dog in passing
it  must have   disturbed  the  insects,
which flew out upon  him, clustering
'   ';    round his head, and stingiug Hm aboufc
'.'- '    ihe ears-, dyes and nostrils.   The poor
L'>       *pyB,aJ"» frightened and in pain, sprang
**xi6M <2f agony.""v A potieemari'comih'glip
att the moment saw him iiy past, his
tongue hanging out, his eyes protruded.
"Mad dog!" be cried, and the poor beast
was shot diad beforo the screaming
woman, running breathlessly to the rescue, could explain what she had seen.
"And a sore pity it was," she said.
" As honeht and faithful and os handsome a dog as over stepped before its
own tail. Not so mud, indeed, as the
man that was in such a hurry to shoot
him."
I
«<*-
Of all the changes which modern and
more enlightened times have brought
about, there is none happier than that
affecting the treatment of sufferers attacked with hydrophobia. The writer
of this is old enough to remember bygone tragedies connected with those victims that make one shudder. There was
no hope for the unfortunates. Death
was the doom; and at the first symptoms
the hapless human victims, were ruthlessly destroyed; suffocated between
featlier-beds the usual mode 1 An occurrence in humblo Irish life, remembered
still in the parish where it took place,
and for the truth of which many can
vouch, will illustrate painfully the above.
The narrative wiil be best given in the
words of one' of the family present at
the time.
Myself was in the house when it all happened, being first-cousin to Mrs. Kyan,
the mistress. A comfortable farm it was,
and she well to do ; with cows and other
stock in plenty, and good hind. Kyan
had been dead s-ome years, and she managed it all; a clever, brisk, stirring
woman. Sne'd be up and out in her
dairy at 3 o'clock in the summer mornings, to get the butter off the churn iu
tho cool of the day; and then away with
her across the fields to visit the cattle
and oversee the laborers at their work.
Many a smart vouug fellow would have
been proud to 'help her, aud right glad
to step into Ryan's shoes if he was let.
For she was pleasant to look at; as
comely as she was industrious ; tidy and
trim, and wonderful at making and laying by money. But, though she had' a
gay word for them all, and was blithe
ond oheery as the day, thev soon found
that coming courting to the winsome
young widow was only wasting their
time. She wouldn't listen to man or
mortal. Her whole heart and life was
bound up in her one child—a lovely boy.
It was easy to see by the look that
would come into her face, and tl e light
and love in her eyes as they followed
him wherever he went, and she hadn't a
thought to give to any beside. He was
the entire world to her. Every penny
she could make or save was for him;
and late and early she worked to keep
all things about the farm in the best
order against he was old enough to take
it up.
A fine, handsome child he was; merry
as a bird, full of spirits and fun. He
doted on his mother, and maybe she
wasn't proud of him 1 Every one loved
him, even the dumb animals, he was so
good-natured and kindly—joyous and
bright like sunshine in the house.
There's something in the young and
their ways that the heart warms to,
natural.
As time wore on, young Byan grew to
be handy and helpful about   the place,
and knowledgable concerning farm business. He was rising 16 years old, a
good soholar and a fine, well-grown,
active lad, when there came a wonderful
hot summer, and rumors were rife about
mad dogs seen going through the country, and of the terrible mischief they
did. Oows were bitten, and pigs;
Christians were attacked and a neighboring farmer lost two valuable horses,
that went mad after being bitten, and
had to be destroyed. People were
everywhere in dread   and on the watch.
One morning just after the hay was
gathered in and safe, herself and the
boy were together in the yard, working
away as busy as bees. They were seldom asunder now ; for he had done with
schooling, and they always kept one another company just liko a iiair of comrades. There was only nineteen years
between tho ages of tho two. Talking
merrily thoy were over their work, and
laughing—he was full of his jokes—
when a mau came tearing into the yard,
crying out that a mad dog was in the
ploee, and was making straight for the
hold the cows were in. Quick as lightning tho boy caught up a pitchfork and
away with him like a shot to the field.
His "mother flew after him shrieking out
to him to stop, and shouting out to the
men to follow. But he was as light of
foot and nimble as the deer ; and before
ever a one could overtake him, he had
eome up with the dog. The great animal faced savagely round upon the lad
when he made at hi- with the pitchfork, and bit and tore with iury. But
the brave boy grappled with him, and
had pinned him to the <>;rouud by the
time the men came up and gave the finishing stroke.
'' Now, mother dear," he cried in glee,
"the cows are safe ! Another minute
and tlio brute would have been into
them !"
Hut tho poor mother wasn't heeding
tho cows, when her darling son. for
whom she'd have given all she was worth
in the. wide world," was there before her
eyes all bloody and covered with loam
from the beast's mouth. She washed
and bathed the bites, the boy laughing
at her the while, and saying thoy were
nothing. And nothing'there was fur a
time. But what all dreaded and were
looking ior in trembling came at las*-.
He knew it hinis -If, tile poor fellow! It
was pitiful to see how he strove aud
lought manful against it; ai:d forced
himself to drink, when even tho sight of
water or any liquid was unbearable.
Ho'd try and try io swallow, though it
strangled him. No use ! ha couldn't get
down a drop; and the? convulsions were
hnd went raving mad altogether; ana-
hand and foot they had to tie him, to
prevent his doing himself or others a
mischief.
The doctor came, but what could he
do ? He was a good-natured man, and
gave many a sixpence and a shilling to
those he knew needed nourishmentmore
than drugs ; but no one thought much
of his physicking. Peoplo said he had
but the one medicine, and that he gave
it to all alike, no matter what ailed
them. Not that there was any harm in
that, for it stands to reason that what
would do good to one Christian couldn't
be bad for another. When any of the
quality were sick, they sent right awaj
off to the city for the grand doctoi
there, but the parish man was good
enough for the poor.
_ Anyhow, not all the doctors in creation could be of any use to the dear
young master. Thero was but tho one
thing for him—his doom was sealed.
And now the question was how it was to
be done. Three ways were spoken of.
To smother him between two feather-
beds, or else carry him down to the river
and drown him, or to open a vein and
let him bleed away to death. The
mother wouldn't hear of the smothering.
When it was proposed to her, you'd think
she'd go out of her senses. Indeed, for
the matter of that, it was much the same
whatever plan was talked of; they
couldn't drag consent out of her to any
of them. God help her ! 'twos a cruel
strait to be in. At long lost and after
much debate, it was settled that a vein
should be opened; and, when it was
done, the poor fellow—laid upon a bed
of straw in an out-house in tho yard—
was left to die.
| Oh, but that was the day of woe.! The
misery of it, and the despair of the distracted mother, if I was talking till
doomsday I couldn't describe. Her
neighbors and cousins and the lad's
uncles flocked iu, and were all gathered
round her in the best parlor, striving to
comfort her. They made strong tea, in
hopes to get her to swallow some. They
tried to raise her heii.rt, telling her of
thc grand funeral he'd haye—hundreds
and hundreds coming to it from far and
near—the handsomest coffin money
could buy, real oak, with brass ornaments, and such a wake as was never
seen in the country before ; no expense
spared I But you might as iv ell talk to
the dead in the clay. She didn't hear a
wowJ. Vmfc sat there without tear or
moan—only Tier mouth working with
the agony within—just a froze-up, stony
image of despair! And you'd hardly
know her, she was so changed. The
bright, smooth, comely face all drawn
and wrinkled like an old crone's, and
ghastly pale. Sure it was no wonder,
when all she loved upon earth was dripping out his young life within a stone's-
thrnw of her.
When they saw it was of no use, they
let the poor woman alone. A gloomy
silence fell upon the sorrowful company
as they sat Ihero waiting—waiting for
the end. The minutes seemed like
hours. There was no stir, except when
now and then some ono would whisper
under his breath about the dying boy ;
how pleasant he was, and gay 1 How
generous a:id open-handed he'd been.
But no matter how sorrowful the
house, or what woe and misery are within the walls, the business of- life outside
must go on. So, v/hen milking-time
came, Kitty M'Oabe, the dairy woman
—though the heart in her body was
breaking—slipped out to' call the milk-
girls and see the cows. Coming baok
through tho yard when the milking was
done, she had to pass by the outhouse
•whore they had laid the boy; and for tk»
liie of her she couldn't help stopping to
try and listen how it was with him, and
whether he was in heaven yet There
was no sound.   Strict orders Bad Been
fiven that no one was to go in ; but the
oor was not locked, and she thought
she'd just give it a small shove and take
one look. It was an old crazy door, contrary and ill-fitting; and at the first
push it gave a great skrifek and made
so sharp a noise that she was frightened,
and tried to pull it back again. Tlie
sight, too, of the blood trickling upon
the floor made her giddv and sick.
"Is that you, Kitty M'Oabe?" came
in a weak, faint whisper from the far
end.
Her heart leaped up at the voice she
never thought oftjiearing again. "Ay is
it, my life ! my darlin'! jewel o' the
world!" and*she pushed in, never heeding the orders against ifc, or the trouble
and disgrace she was bringing on Herself.
" 0, Kitty, I'm lost with the thirst!
Havo you any milk ? "
"To be sure I have, darlint—lashins!"
and she ran and filled a jugful. He
drained it every drop, and then called
for moro.
" I'm better now, but weak as water.
Untie me, Kitty, aud I'll try to sit up.
Don't be afraid. Somo more milk now;
it is doing me good."
He struggled up and. leaned tho poor
white faeo against her shoulder while
she put the jug to liis lips. They wer.'1
pulo as a corpse's ; as if everv drop oi
his blood had run out. Tho milk seemed
to revive him. She thought he'd never
stop drinking. After a while he said:
"Go now, Kitty, and tell my mother
I'm well—quite well. Something has
cured me. Or 3top ! 111 try and go
myself, I'm ablo. She won't be frightened, will she, and think it's my
ghost?"
"Heart's dwlin'!—'tis clean wild
with joy she'll bo? But stay, jewel, lill
I've b,mnd me handkerchief tight over
against the cruel cut. There, now,
mttsther dear."
"Reach me over that big stick in tho
corner and I'll lean down upon you,
Kitty, and malto shift somehow to creep
along; " and, supported by the woman
lm began* with feeble footsteps, to totter
'IrA-
js—-Care of the Teeth.
^vffl**"?1 youag miss, if she has an
an>abM»xpression and clean, white and
penrjtfjteth, -wiU be   oalled   at  least
,"gotrTff&la,?'" V^6 the otherwise
beautiatiraisfigttrea by foul and black
tee I'WlT '.unsiRhtly roots and a consequent .Wil breath, will be regarded as
uncomaftjif not shunned on account of
a foul^reath. As one smiles—and
yoimg.m^i love to do that—the teeth
nre • Iss**/*"** conspicuous ornament of
the i«SM2and it is important, that they
be keO/fclean. To do this it is needful
to cleal^kthem daily, at least, using a
suit brjtffc' after breakfast; use with a
dontif^Mniade by dissolving two ounces
oi borate,three pints of boiling water,
adding'j%hen not quite cold, a teaspoonful of wm»,of camphor; bottle and use
withtfj(fcual quantity of tepid water.
Tlie B,f&''mfty be us-'°rt to rinse the
moullt«*«ny time, while the brushing
at bec»t^,.aiso, in certain cases will be
uf great'jitervice. By such means the
teethji^nado beautiful, preserved, the
turtar«u*atthpsion3 removed, decay ar-
re^tcd/iujil henlth secured. The fa'stidi-
oiif, mwArholenms that the tartar is but
an ucyiB|ttiilation of salivary mucus,
phospli^ of lime, in which "wriggling
«"'•-" iA»\imbedded,   living  creatures!
eel
Housed by a cry from one of the company, his mother locked up, and caught
sight of the boy helped past the window.
Staggering Mindly iu, he fell into her
outstretched arms; and as they closed
convulsivelyrouudhis half-fainting form,
and sho held him folded to her breast—
fast looked and stramed to her—ail who
were present and looked on knew that
sho would never part with him more.
And she. never did. From that day
out, sign or symptom of the madness
never appeared; though he was long in
recovering his strength, aud had to be
nursed and tended like an infant. He
had, j'ou see, bled such a power that it
was the world's work to bring him to.
When the doctor fixed up the cut, he
was almost gone. A minute more, and
'twould have been too late. The doctor
said that all tho poison of the dog's bite
had flowed away out of him with the
blood; but what did he know? Anyhow,
there wasn't a healthier or a handsomer
or a finer man than himself in tho whole
barony when he came to his fidl age—
over six feet in his stocking vamps, and
broad-shouldered in proportion.
The Two John  Thomases.
A young school-miss who has been
told to hunt up the story of the "Two
John Thomases" writes to us for the
ptirticulars. They were Dr. John
Thomas, who graduated at Catherine
Hall, Cambridge, iu 1713, was rector of
St. Vudast, Poster Laue, was consecrated Bishop of Lincoln April 1, 1744, and
translated to Salisbury in 1701, and who
died July 19, 1760; aud Dr. John
Thomas, Fellow of All Saints College,
Oxford, rector of St. Benedict's and St.
Peter's, Paul a Wharf, consecrated BiBhop
of Peterboro, Oct. 4, 1747, translated to
Salisbury in 1757, and who died May 1,
1781. The story of the. difficulty in describing them is certainly genuine.
•Bishop Newton was speaking of iir.
Thomas, when some one asked, •' Which,
Dr. Thomas do you mean?" He answered, "Dr. John Thomas." The
questioner replied, "They are *botli
named John." " Well, I mean Dr.
Thomas who has a living in tho city."
"They both have livings in the city."
" Dr. Thomas who is Ciiaplain to tliu
King." " The}'are both Utiaplaius to
the King." "Dr. Thomas who in known
to bo a very good preacher." "They
are both known to be very good preachers. " "Then," said Newton, triumphantly, " the Dr. Thomas who squints."
'' Tliey both squint I' was the equally-
effective answer, and Bishop Newton
gave it up. Whether they squinted
equally bad we conuot say, but the fii'ht
above-named was one of the most decided specimens over presented in good
society. He was once telling a humorous story and remarked of the hero that
"the fellow squinted most hideously."
This point was telling, but the Bishop
increased the effect by turning his own
ugly face around to each person present,
with on extra distortion at each turn,
and remarking, in a subdued undertone,
" Do you know, I hate your squinting
fellows 1"—New York Journal of iCorn-
merce. »*
Snt Henr* Bessenger expects to" be
able with his new telescope to read a
newspaper at the distance of three and a
half miles. .
said ,V5i
teetlj fcV;
if " "'■
con
bo!
W&*&r&'
may lujthesitate to remove them. I will
add thajtlie use of castile soap and wa-
tw-r willed in their extermination.
The" tpjith are covered by an enamel—
resemj>gjlg ivory —hard and brittle,
which*#sists most acids, such as will
disbok'rft'ommon bone. When this is
craekoiljmd removed by the use of hot
.md cOliF,vdrinks or foo'd, by 'crocking
nuts tactile like, the acids easily" reach
the tratv,1»Quo, of course destroying the
teeth'-" ii is more than fooliSh, therefore; t»,Ute off piU3, thread and tho like
or crackjjjits with the teeth.
Do 'sjofc remove the first teeth too soon,
till ttojiy.are loose, nor let them remain
after \!hgy. tu-e loose, badly decayed—
mere5 rtwlls—since they are a source of
harm:'; li, removed too soon they may
defonjti, or'destroy.'the second set.
To prMcrro the teeth it is needful to
use thfiivto chew our food thoroughly,
not oMfJox the sake of good digestion,
but iosilit saka of the teeth, since nature is'j^wkioniical and removes them if
not n|fc^|d and used, as seen in the cows
fed oncjjjillery slops, with little or no
hay. *3C jjll addio what I have already
dwcft to fln« "flour, that tlie,
' iw2t of- bon« materials,
,%nlem »n,»rticl«i"i« vmeA
WIN frm* «i«Bwatfcfor tlt«
'  i;.t*«j|0iifc,     -- -
tained draf ts, checks, bills of exchange,
etc., of the value of $l,52Q,2l6;65, of
wliich 20,121, containing p.,4£ifi87M,
were delivered; 34,771 contained _receipts, paid notes and canceled obliga.
tions of all sorts; 30,957 containel| pho
tographs; 68,849 contained posta^p, the
most of which were delivered. Of the
number of letters passing through the
mails it appears that the department
fails to deliver but one in every 280; the
success of oue service in this respect is
very gratifying. From official 'statements it appears that Great Britain fails
to deliver one hi every 216; Frances, one
in 430; Italy one in 126. and Germany
ono iu every 456; this last is, however,
scarcely a fair comparison, as a very1
much larger proportion of registered
matter passes through the German mails,
the delivery of which is almost inevitable. Before the department building
became so crowded, a room was set apart
as a museum, where strangers were
shown a variety of unclaimed articles
from bottled tarantulas to " Blackstibue's
Commentaries." Now the articles ore
stowed away, aud evory year or two disposed of at public auction.
The Southern Soldier,
In the winter of 1863 the First regi-
prra AND POIHT.
life m Borneo nna jftnangnacnr.
Tlie island of Borneo is inhabited by
b considerable variety of races,   of very
different origin and different degrees of
civilization. The most important numerically are the Dyacks, the Malays, tho
Chinese, and the Bugiuese.   The Dyaks
are generally regarded as the most aboriginal,  and aie broken into numerous
tribes.   The Malays are a people of low
stature, being, as travelers tell us, from
four and a half to five  feet in height,
while tho Dyaks are taller, but still considerably  shorter   than    the     average
European.   In general among the Dyaks
neither beard nor whiskers are present,
but this does not  hold good or all the
tribes.   Tattooing  is  commonly  practiced by most of the tribes.    Tho men
generally go   bare-headed   or   wear  a
bright-colored  kerchief.   It has   been
the custom with many tribes to preserve
the skulls of their slaughtered enemies
as trophies of their success  in  war,   as
the possession of a   certain number of
human heads is necessary before a man
can be admitted to some of the most important of the   social  privileges.   The
Dyak is intelligent, and in moral character is Jar superior to the civilized Malay,
being unsuspicious aud hospitable, and
honest and truthful in a striking degree.
The greater portion of this   race have
substantial dwellings, and cultivate rice,
the banana,  sugar cane,  and some cotton and tobacco for their own consump"
tion.     The  distinction  between  Land
Dyaks  and  Sea  Dyaks is fouudednot
upon  the   localities  they  inhabit, but
upou the favorite pursuits of the respective tribes, which lead some to cultivate
the soil and others to a life on the waters.
The inhabitants of Madagascar number
about  5,000,000,   and are divided into
two  groups, the black  of the western
slope, aud the olive of tho eastern.   The
political divisions are four in number.
The Hovas are the ruling tribe, a race of
middle height,  well proportioned, with
straight or curled hair,  and hazel eyes.
The Government is a military despotism,
and   although   Christianity  has   been
adopted,   still   many yet  practice   the
heathen customs, such as infanticide and
polygamy.   The Madagasoans are much
addicted'to divination, which they practice according to certain definite rules,
with the help of beans, rice, straw, sand,
or any other articles that can be easily
counted or divided.    Trials   by  ordeal
until within a few years prevailed.
The Demi-Letter Office.
A visit to the Dead-Letter Division is
exceedingly interesting to strangers.
Here all letters and packages that the
department has failed to deliver, either
for the reason that they were unclaimed,
unbailable, misdirected or upon which
the postage is not paid, are returned
" dead." Mail matter of this class
originated in foreign countries included
hi the postal union is returned to the
country of origin unopened. The remainder is opened and delivered in all
ment of Virginia Artillery was in winter
quarters at Frederick Hall, Ya. The
Second company of Bichmond Howitzers was camping on the grounds of ^Dr.
Pendleton. Here an incident occurred
which illustra'tes how httle regard the
volunteer had for army regulations.
Lieut. O, of the Salem Artillery, was a
graduate of the Virginia Military Institute at Lexington. He made himself
quite obnoxious to the boys by his
strict military discipline, whether in tho
field or camp, or in the winter quarters.
Ifc was his great delight to be officer of
the day, on which occasion he would do
all he could to impress the men with
the idea that he was aw fait in army
regulations.
One night he rode up to the place
where the Second Howitzers were
parked and yelled out in a very loud
voice,
" Where is tho sentinel on this post?''
The sentinel was sitting on a ruptured
bag of corn, engaged in parching ft
quantity of tho grain, more for the purpose of passing the time away (of course)
than with any intention of satiating his
appejbito (for all good soldiers wjUye-
membertliat on_-appeiii»'"*ft3 an implement not miftrked down ia'the catnl^iife
of'a  Confederate*  JwUBef's'^wcottJier-
'' Where's your corporal ? " "■' T-~ - *-T- • »■
"Sleep, I reckon."
"Whvdou'tvou walk your post ? "
" Didn't I tell you 'twa'nt a post ? "
'   " Who's corporal of this guard ? "
"Billy McCarthy, Second Howitzers;
sleeps in second cabin at head of line on
left side," replied the sentry, all during
the conversation keeping his eye on his
frying-pan, which he continueel to shake
to keep hju corn from burning.
"Young man," said Lieut. C, "you
don't seem to know the first duty of a
soldier. Hew long have you been in
the army ? "
Three years, one month, ten days and
eighteen hours, when the relief comes
round. I always keep it to the notch,"
replied the sentry, singing a few snatches from the popular song of those days:
" When the cruel war is over "
"Why did you not rise, salute me and
walk your beat when I came up ? I
shall report you to headquarters in the
morning for neglect of duty."
Saying which the Lieutenant departed
and soon disappeared in the darkness.
After giving him sufficient time to get
off some distance, the sentinel mounted
the pile of corn and yelled out:
" Hello thore, mister !"
" What'll you have ? " was the reply.
" Who ore you, anyhow? "
The Lieutenant answered: "I am
Lieut. 0., officer of the day."
"Oh! shucks," replied tha sentry;
"blame my hide if I didn't think you
was Gen. Lee."
A Konfr towel—A crash.
As A general thing young lawyers'
don't hav© many trying times.
One way for an actress to lose her
good name is to pnt it on her handkerchief.
When mining operations begin to pan
out, it is generally in vein to look for
dividends.
It is a remarkable fact that one meets,
the greatest inn attention at the best-
kept hotels.
Adah ought to have said "Hardly
Eva," when he was tempted to bite the
apple.
It is a little singular that family jars,
old as the Garden of Eden, have never
been added to ceremic collections.
Sojbb fellow has found out that th©
highest timepiece ever adjusted was
" When the sentinel stars hung their
watcjh in the sky." '•
What utter nonsense to speak of stock
reports 1 Every child Icnows the report,
does not come from the stock, but from
the barrel.
An old proverb says : " Tho anvil lasts
longer than the hammer." This is
probably the only .consolation the under-
m'ost man in a fight has.
ANevaha girl's love letter—"Dear
Jimmy: It's all up. We ain't going to-
get married. Ma says you're too rough,,
and I guess she's right. I'm sorry—but,
can't you go to Europe and got filed,
down?"
The Oneida community, at Niagara.
falls, is going to build a spoon factory.
There is so much "spooning " by bridal
couples at Niagara falls that such &
factory may be necessary there.—Nor-
rifttovm Herald.
A bkadtifui. maid ln Carlisle
On the back of hor neck had a bisl«,
When her lover forgot,
And huRRed tho sore apot.
Her tcroaras could be heard for a misle 1
The Norristown Herald hopes that the-
time is near at hand when apatent corn
,sheller, two threshing machines,' a
bed quilt, a foot race, a soap peddler
and a horse trot will not make one county
agricultural exhibition.
" This isn't a menagerie," sharply observed an irascible deacon to a man who-
was trying to force a passage through,
the crowd at a church doorway.    " No,.
£■"*--— 3 not," returned, tlie stranger,
wouldn't leaveTany of tho ani-
up ihe entrance,"
■Jn'. Iibfackm, while the .eil-
A New Dance in M.'Sw.<n±C3.
We leam that a young Milwaukee gentleman has prepared the music for a
new dance, to supersede the racquet,
and that it is of such a lively aud captivating nature as to leave the racquet in
the lurch as a slow coach. Ho has been
experiencing somo difficulty, however,
in seeming a baud to properly execute
the music, and of a recent rehearsal had
the misfortune to lose his tromboue
swallower. In executing one of tho
liveliest passages, wliere thc trombone
is depended upon for a crash representing the earthquake at Scio, the yonng
man forgot to work the escape valve, and
the blast recoiled and blew oufc his
brains. Of course, that finished him as
a trombone player, and he has since been
"doing editorial work as a writer of finance. The new danco will bo called
"The Duelo," tho dancers having tho
choico of weapons, but tossing up for
positions. Competent surgeons will be iu
attendance, to pick up the pieces of girl
that have been squeezed iu two, after
each dance, aud match tliem, and the
greatest care will beexercised not to send
home the upper part of one girl with the
lower portion of another.—Peck's Sun.
Me. John Pendeb, M. P., is th«
Chairman of six submarine cable companies and Director of three. He is, besides this, Chairman of the Isle Of Man
Bailroad Company, of the Oude and
Bohil Kund Bailroad Company, and of
 x  Uio Panulcitto Copper Compauy, aud he
cases whero any clew to the identity of e is Director of the Fore Sheet Warehouse
the writer can be discovered. Of the.| Company, and of a paraffineoil^company
letters of this kind opened during the
fiscal year 23,400 were, found to contam
money to the amount of $43,888.13, of
which   19,305,   containing   §37.279.81
wero afterward delivered,   21,811   con-
—that is to say, he is either Chairman
or Director of fourteen companies, and
may be supposed to make a comfortable
iucomo of about £15,000 per annum from
bis directorial functions.
it became nearly "obliterated
"By my sowl," exclaimed a witty Irishman, "this is a queer time for a joke."
"And who is joking?" growled one of
the firemen. "Why, don't you see,
honey, how you are playing upon,
words ?" replied Pat.
AN INQUIRY.
He ntood a bronzed andbattered form,
Within an old embrasure warm,
And leaned upon a cannon old,
Half eunken In the fragrant mold;
Then taming from tho runty gun,
With help of crutch he tottered ou.
A aweet girl face looked np at him.
And sweet eyes scanned hia aspect gyiip,
And awcet voice wild in quiver lov/:
" O gallant warrior, do not go,
But tell me, teU me where you fought,
And where these fearful wounda were wrought
Wert smitten ln the furious tide.
That drenched ln blood the bai-tion'a Bide 1
Or fought upon the slippery deck,
Aiid pang defiance from tho wreck?
Or waved tho atarry banner high,
Bravely resolved to do or die?"
" Hoid on, young gal!" the veteran said:
*' I am m whitowusher by trado j
I never fit; this trouble is
Inflammatory rheumatiz I"
They put a lot of ignoramuses into o
jury box nowadays, and xhen attempt.
to tickle a man's vanity by telling him
that he is to be tried by a jury of his.
peers. No wonder so many criminate
commit suicide, rather than have such a
stigma cast upon their family name.—
Rochester Herald.
"What is the difference between
cameos and intaglios ?" asked a successful broker of one of his lambB. " Simply this," replied the lamb; " since we
became acquainted my fortune is in intaglio, and your cheek in cameo. That
is to sav, my fortune is sunk and your
cheek "stands out in relief."—Boston,
Transcript
Religion of the  Presidents.
Washington and Garfield were the-
only ones who were church members,
bufc all, one excepted, were men who
revered Christianity. Adams married a
minister's daughter, and was inclined to
Unitarianism. Jefferson was not a
believer, at least while he was Chief!1
Magistrate. Madison's early connections were Presbyterian. Monroe is<
said to have favored the Episcopal
Church. John Quincy Adams was like
his father. Jackson was a Methodist,,
and died in the communion of that
church. Van Buren was brought up in.
the Reformed Dutch Church, but afterward inclined to the Episcopal Church-
Haryison leaned toward the Methodist
Church, and Tyler was an Episcopalian.
Polk was baptized by a Methodist
preacher after liis term of office expired.
Taylor was inclined to the Episcopal
commuuion. Fillmore attended the-
Unitarian Church, aud Franklin Pierco
was a member, but not a communicant,,
of a Gougregatioualist Church at Concord. Buchanan was a Presbyterian.
Genoral Grant attends the Methodist
Church, and President Garfield is a
member of the Church of the Diseiplas.
Thb following amusing wail is froim
tho reminiscences of an ancient reali
estate lawyer of Boston: "And here I
take occasion to remark that invariably,,
if a woman owns a large landed estate,
sho is suro to keep getting married, from
time to time, as often as death affords an
opportunity, thus making great embarrassment in tracing titles."
i I'.'l
■US
:r,
-A—