1879-08-22; Clare County Press

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VOLUME II.
CLARE, MICHIGAN,
The;., Clare   C©raty Press,
ISSUED EVERY FRIDAY AT
Clare, Clare County, MicHV
—BY—
ALVAEO P. GGODENQUGH.
AcfflveirtHIgsSffiisg' datteF.
The following Table ef Advertising Rates has
been carefully arranged according to a plan based
on space required and time Continued. Special
care is taken to set up and arrange advertisements
in a systematic manner, thus making them more
attractive than when jumbled together.
TABLE OF ADVERTISING  RATES.
2 wk
I.50
2.25
3.OO
3-75
4.50
9.00
15.00
Business Cards, 3 lines
ditional linear.
Legal Notices—Rates prescribed by law.!
Local Notices—to cts. per line each insertion.
All Advertising payable quarterly in Advance.
1 wk
x inch gi.oo
z in      1.5a
3 in      2.00
4 in 2.50
% col 3.00
J£ col 6.00
1  col 10.00
4 wk
2.50
3-75
5.00
6.25
7-5°
14.00
20.00
2 mos
3-5°
5.25
7.00
8-7S
10.50
20.00
30.00
3 mos 6 mos   1 yr
4-5°
6.50
10.00
7.00
1.000
15.00
9.00
13.00
20.00
11.25
16.00
25.00
13-50
19.50
30.00
25.00
35.00
50.00
35.00
50.00
80.0a
per year; each ad-
BUSINESS CARDS.
E. D. WHEAT02T.
O.W. PERRY
WHEAT©! & PERRY,
CLARE,       -       -       MICH.
All businsss intrusted with them will receiv
prompt attention. Collections made and Real Ee
tate bought and sold. Office Maynard Block,Main St
L H. ELDEK, Jeweler and
dealer m Wall Paper, Books and Stationery, Sewing Machine Fixtures, etc., Clare.
O.EO. W. JEFFERIES, Judge of
vJl Probate and Justice of the Peace, Clare.
Special attention given to making collections. Of-
ce on Main Street.
(PTEQ. J. CUMMINS,
Attorney-at-Law and Solicitor,
Gourt House Building, Farwell, Mich.
(M C. CASTERLIN,
Attorney-and-Counselor-at-Law, and
Counselor & Solicitor in Chancery,
Court House Building, Farwell, Mich.
H
C. DODGE, Justice of the
o Peace and Notary Ptblic, Vernon, has
Good Farming- Lands for Sale
Cheap.   Titles Perfect,
Terms Easy.
H. 0. Dodge,. Frwell, Mich.
a
BE. SUTHERLAND,
Notary- Public & Insurance Agt.
_'_fc:.. ;. Money to Loan     . .
(hurt House Building, Farwell.
"W" S. COOLEY,
dealer in '
Harness, "Whips, Robes, & Blankets.
The best assortment of Trunks and Traveling
bags in town, and prices the lowest.
THE BEST OF MATERIAL USED.
All work  warranted.   Repairing done,.jj>romptly
I will sell cheaper than can be bought .else-
where in Saginaw Valley.
TD> UBEN SMITH,
NOTABY PUBLIC.'
Real Estate and Insurance Agent.
hiae&ik, HOKCim.
Particular attention paid to looking land, estimat
ing pine timber, adjusting trespsasses and paying
taxes for non residents.
Manhattan Fire Insurance Company of New York
Strong and sound, with low rates.
"JMT R. JEFFERIES,
dealer in
FRESH & SALT MEAT,
Fresh and Cured Fish,
Fine Groceries and General
Farm Produce.
t
Cheapest T E A in Town I
Cash paid for hides.
MAIN STREET, CLARE.
HOTELS, LIVERIES, &c
""^pW^^FU^SraSTNE^M
Befitted, Hew Proprietor.
ST. JI
V. EC. EBESXDWBS, IProp.,
MOUNT PLEASANT,   MICH.
FirstClass Accommodations.   Good Sample Rooms
for Agents. Good Barn.
Tj^ARWELL BILLIARE HALL,
FARWELL, MICH.
FIIEST- CIGARS,
Pure Wines, Liquors, Ales, Beer, Porter, Cider, Etc.
Those desiring a pure article are invited tp oall.
" HENRY NEWTON.
QUMMERS & NEWTON,
Proprietors of the
FARWELL  LIVERY.
FORSES & CARRIAGES
TO LET.
Parties conveyed everywhere in, this
section and vicinity.
*.£S?*Terms reasonable.
"P>AGLE HOTEL,
Coral, Montcalm Co., Mich.
A. FRED GOODENOUGH, Prop.
A 1TeimiisD©B,fflimee Hr©ra§e<.
This is a new house, neatly furnished, convenient
to the trains, with good accommodations at reasonable prices.
©©©I© nj^ssasn^ A'B^AezHns'DBo
h-
SHE OIL© SCEIQOIi HOUSE.
BY HATTIE E. S. CRESS'S.
Still stands the old red school house,
In. the craggy willows' shade,
Close beside the noisy brook,
That runs along the glade.
Within are rude, long benches,
With counters strung behind,
With shelves beneath for books,
Which 'twere difficult to find.
Then there's the huge white table,
And the old cane-bottomed chair,
Where sat the nervous school-marm,
With mind o'erstrung with care.
Many a long, long year ago,
One sultry August day,
One little maiden stayed within,
While the others were at play.
With bowed head the culprit stood,
Tears raining on the floor.
While shouts of joyous laughter,
Drifted through the open door.
Bising from his seat, a boy,
With boldness in his face,
Marched up to the girl and said,
"Please marm, I'll take her place 1"
"You can keep her company,"
Was the teacher's smart reply,
And, there they stood, he looking bold,
And she reserved and shy.
Night came, and the scholars left,
But these two were detained,
And before they were released,
How fearfully it rained.
The thunder roared, the lightning flashed,
More noisy grew the brook,
And the teacher viewed her charge
With a more gentle look.
Twas growing dark, the storm increased—
The children lived a mile away;
So, hand in hand, they started on,
Saying, " We'll be home at close of day."
There were many streams to cross,
And they were now growing high,
But the gallant little boy
Besolved to ford them all or die.
So, taking Bessie in his arms,
He hastened on at hunter's speed,
Snowing, if he bore her safely home,
He would perform a noble deed.
But they had not gone half way
When a bridge they'd nearly crossed
Was swept with fury down the stream,
And the children both were lost.
No onelieard their dying shrieks,
But in the morning they were found    "
Wrapped closely in each other's arms,
Lying on the storm-washed ground.
Then the grief that fell that day
O'er the homestead and the school;
The parents' heads in sorrow bowed,
The scholars heeding not a rule.
And a little tablet still,
With the dead ones' names thereon,
perched above the writing desk,
For the school to look upon.
But the walls are crumbling fast,
The house is going to decay,
And soon the tablet, walls and all
Will have passed from sight away.
Pistbejelii,MaSf, ,- n,    ,,...„ £,.
THE TWO OUTSIDER
»1
Aadl ttie Saismwlsrsteiidfag Betwesia TSaena.
BY B. H. CLOUGH.
The clerical-looking gentleman and
the bearded borderer were the only-
passengers on the Carson stage, seven
hours out, en route to Bodie. They occupied the upper seat behind the driver,
and the tenor of their conversation in*
dicated that there was a slight misunderstanding between them—a misunderstanding that neither of them seemed
capable of gathering up the threads of—
a skein that was momentarily becoming
more and more tangled as some new
phase of the subject under discussion
was broached.
"When I was there," the clerical gentleman was remarking, "the vineyard
was in a deplorable state."
"The vineyard 1" interrupted his
bearded companion,
"Yes; the Lord's vineyard, I mean;
the weeds were "
"Hold on a minute, stranger," exclaimed the other, hitching in his seat,
and turning so as to face his companion
—"hold yer bosses. I ain't much on this
parable palaver, an' I come mighty nigh
givin' ye the lie on thet vineyard biz-
ness, 'cause, ye see, there ain't no sech
'ithin five mile o' the camp. Maybe
there's a few down to Salt lake, but nobody ever was fool 'nough to think o'
speculating in vineyards 'round my
neighborhood. But it's all right now;
I've cottoned to the right o' the case, an'
I'm drawin' my sights onto Lord's vine-
"As I was saying," resumed the other
"outside," "I found the field of labor in
a deplorable condition. The weeds had
long since choked the wheat, and tares
were flourishing with a luxuriance that
might well sadden the heart of the most
earnest husbandman. Human sacrifices were frequent in the interior, and
barbarous executions for the most trivial offenses were of weekly occurrence
along the coast. I attended one of
these executions, and if I am not too
tedious in my narration I will relate the
circumstances of the horrible affair.
Are you agreeable?"
"Go ahead, oF man, I'm listenin'. I
like to hear a man tell a good one while
he's at it," and the bearded passenger
hitched back to his former position and
asked the driver for "a chaw o' that
nigger heel."
" Well, it appears that the unfortunate
man was condemned to death for poaching on the King's preserves. They had
adjudged him guilty, and sentenced
him to be heheaded, and a more pitiable wretch it has never been my misfortune to contemplate as he passed out
of the prison into the open court where
he was to be executed. He was made
to kneel and bend his neck, after which
the executioner dipped his hand in a
tub of water, and, drawing his middle
and fore finger through the sand upon
which the doomed man was kneeling,
applied them to the naked neck of the
shivering wretch, leaving a broad and
distinct mark at which to strike. He
then raised his great double-edged
sword, snd with one blow the head fell
from the trunk, while the great si
of blood crimsoned the sand."
The clerical gentleman paused
tonishment.   His fellow-passenger I
staring at him with a strange esj|
sion upon his sun-browned leatta
which the narrator at first imagined!
tiie result of intense interest, but wL,
he gradually observed was produced!
a disgusting disbelief in the statement
which he had just been making,   JI^|
cut himself short for the purpose oifo
allowing his hearer an opportunity oi$
relieving his overcharged mind, *know-|
ing full well that if he did not theft
bearded man would explode, and render
the situation decidedly unpleasant,, to,
say the least.   The man of the border  ^,1
made a great effort to control himself,   *  !"
and in a tone plainly indicating that
he forced a calmness he was far from
feeling, simply to  "clinch" the man
who sat beside him, and prove to the
grinning driver that no man could with
impunity " put up a josh on him."
" That's the frozen truth, is it, stranger?" he asked.
"Every word I have uttered is the
truth. I witnessed the sickening spec-
tacb in the broad glare of a tropical sun,
and Ididnot lose a single movement ia
the barbarous tragedy," answered the
other" outside."
, "What's your line?" abruptly ss^ed
the man with a beard.
"My profession?"
" The same."
"I am an evangelist—a missionary,v
"Oh, you're a preacher, eh? "
"A minister of the gospel—yes."
"What shop?"
"Shop?"
"Yes; which track are ye traveling—
how's yer baggage checked? "
"I don't believe I understand you."
"No? Well, what church are you.
swearin'by?"
"I am a Baptist."
"Good enough; Baptist goes. You
say you was on the missionary racket
w'en you saw all this? "
"I was engaged in the task of attempting to convert the heathen from blindness, and teaching him the path he
should   follow  to   obtain
glory.*-
"Heathen is good, too, but wait o
minute,   an' 111 tackle thet remark:.
What I want to know, was you givin*
those heathens, ez you call 'env, th©;
true bizness* on the ten comman'ments? *"
"I was inculcating the divine law
which •Mdaes-recMtSSd'aniid 'IMgikun&Gkfr
of Sinai."
•"Kerrect; an' maybe ye give 'em the
bizness about liftin' a man w'en he calls
ye a liar?"
"I did not counsel violence under any
pretext whatever; on the other hand,
I taught them that fighting was sinful."
"Kerrect again, stranger; yerworkin'h
'round to my side o' the shanty, an' I
guess I'll fetch ye into camp purty soon.
Ye told 'em lying wasn't a squar
game?"
"I told them that a liar could not
hope to be saved."
AUGUST 22, 1879.
HUMBE1 16.
^Biam?   Well, I  swear,  I
jback, stranger; I throw up
Bhake, stranger, an'we'll call
Shyann—Siam.    They do
g), don't they?"
m   TEE   JEWS.
to
lie*
& r.
fS-
m
ToP 'em a liar couldn't hope to be
saved ? You saw thet duck git down on
his marrer bones?"
"I saw the criminal kneel down—
yes."
" Ye saw the other 'ith a two-edged
sword make mud, an' plaster the back o'
the 'doomed wretch's' neck?"
"I did."
" Ye saw the sword-sharp chop his
head off? "
"Yes."
" Say, stranger, look here. I reckon
I've got you tighter'n a Mexican cinch.
I'm thinkin' you've tangled yourself up
in yer own lariat. What year was you
outthar, anyhow?"
"I went out in 1874; but, my friend,
I can't see what you are endeavoring to
accomplish by this question and cross-
question." o
"I'll show ye afore I git through 'ith
ye. I'm agoin' to prove to this yer
driver o' this yer stage thet you can't
show down the hand yer claimin' ye
hold. I'm agoin' to show that yer givin'
me a game.*
" I don't understand you, sir."<?
"No? Well, s'pose I give ye dead
away on the sword racket, fust? S'pose
X was to say thet ther' ain't nothin' big-
ger'n a sixteent-inch bowie in the hull
camp? S'pose I was to come down to
cases, an' said ye lied about thet mud
bizness? S'pose I was to bring proof
thet no man in the camp ever hed his
cabesa cut off below the ears? S'pose
I was to bring a hundred men to back
inoiastic JHtilogy on the Kace.
fatter of course, I am utterly
tb,the oppression of any clsss,
jc^d'the action of the proprietors
iBffanhattan Beach Hotel in refer-
j£ji> the Jews as bigoted, mean and
&SfttL,   Such action belongs to
Socages.   The persecution of the
should bring a blush to every
jiaa cheek.   Nothing is more in-
i*4s"than the oppression of a class.
I torn, has the right to be judged
own merits.   To oppress him
hold him in contempt on account
,  , igion, race or color is a crime.
'wary man should be treated justly
Gsfr^idndly, not because he is oris not a
4Cj ot a Gentile, but because he is' a
liiiijian being, and as such capable of
jco'.fi'ttd pain.   If at any hotel a man
Jfcjta to- act in a decent or becoming
BTjiner, let him be put out, not on ac-
onat of the nation towhich he bell 215S, but on account of his behavior.
Any other course is unjust and cruel.
Vi "vTill not do for the keeper of pub-
&£;oii$es to brand an entire race as un-
fiti;> associate with them.
J I? ~3q of the leading men of the world
f£7 uews.   These wonderful people, al-
&c 'gh' dispersed,   despised, and 'for
EjC'-W ages persecuted in all countries
m ..i'o people loved their enemies and
:aed good for evil, have contributed
.osry science and enriched every art.
who has heard tne music of Men-
■yjhn   and   Meyerbeer,   who    has
%d ihe grand philosophy of Spino-
sr, ctad. has seen upon the stage Rachel,
K.'''^sm of passion, will hardly unite in
til', t oademnation of the race to which
larodigies belonged.
llker should it be forgotten tha
omt& furnished their persecutors
0, religion, and that they are the
people, according to the dogmas
_3 day, with whom the Almighty
or   ' 'leigned to have any .intercourse
>,. ian weremember that God selected
a k . *°m for His mother, passing by the
" 2 xi of .TLndia, Egypt, Athens" and
? - i* oa well as the grandmothers of
A rt.OorMn, it is hardly in good taste
'hoidtfkhe 3"ews in scorn'. "---.- ,
We> should also remember that the
Jews were the only people inspired.
All the "sacred" writers, all the
"prophets," were >of the race, and,
while Christians almost worship Abraham, not,|^hstanding the affair of
Hagar, and iis willingness to murder
his own son; and while they hold in almost infinite'respect David, the murderer, and Solomon, the Mormon, it
certainly is not perfectly consistent to
denounce men and women of the same
race who have committed no crime.
The Christians have always been
guilty of this inconsistency with regard
to the Jews—they have worshiped the
dead and persecuted the living.
I can not forget that during the
Eevolution the Jews prayed in their
synagogues for the success of the
colonies. I can not forget that during
our civil war thousands of them fought
for the preservationof the Union, many
of them riing from the ranks to the
most important commands. Neither
can I forget that many of the Jews are
to-day among the foremost advocates of intellectual liberty; that they
have outgrown the prejudices of race
ana creed and believe in the universal
brotherhood of man. And in this connection it may not be out of place to
speak of your father.
It will not do in this the second century of the United States to insult a
gentleman because of his nation.
We are, at least, a great, rich and
prosperous people. Greatness should be
great. Wealth should be generous and,
prosperity should at least beget good
manners.
Every American should resent every
insult to humanity, for while the rights
of the lowest are trampled upon the
liberties of the highest are not safe.
While for the ancient myths and
fables of that people I have not the
respect entertained by Christians, I
still hold the rights of Jews to be as
scared as my own.
(i-i.
fw
HA
Yellow Jack's History.
me in the statement thet hsngin' was^j^se history of yellow fever in this
all the go, w'en it was a vigilante racketAhc^J^ry shows that it has hardly been
an' thet nobody ever died out th^W^^Kpeption when the fever appeared
'ceptin' from hot lead an' col'  steelH/C " - -
S'pose I was to do all this, what kind ^j^'
a game would ye gi' me then?   I t^*
ye, stranger, I've been thar, an' 1^
posted, I am. I'm the best-posted m?-
this side o' Denver, an' ye can't play;,,
very low down on me, much!" |]
"Do you doubt my word, sir ? " -|
"No, I don't doubt yer word; but 4'it
ye'd put a little more solid stuff '«*•■
epidemic the year following an
jic. In 1847 there were 2,259
' in New Orleans, and 850 in 1848,
'JfiEP'iH in 1849.   In 1853 there were
.^•■:^':eaths in the same city, and there
•:-:.f.\.\423 deaths in 1854 and 2,670 in
'■?J$£(In. 1858 there were 3,889 deaths,
*$ 'me the next year.   In 1867 there
-,_.. \ '' j)093 deaths, and none the follow-
int^l^; /ear.
what yer sayin', I'd be more likely tot^rLer appeared in the
take stock in yer yarns."
"My friend, I fear you are attempting
to beguile me. I fear that you are imposing upon a stranger in a strange
land. I am not accustomed to your peculiar manners and oustoms; and you
should not take advantage of me in this
abrupt and unceremonious way."
"I thought ye 'lowed ye'd been thar."
"Where?"
In Shyann."
"Cheyenne!
saw the place,
stood from the first that
sionary to Siam."
In the same proportions the
^ ^^i-^ared in the smaller places in
' !rvspuisiana   and  Mississippi   in  those
"mear&.   In 1848, when it reappeared in
New Orleans, it came in June, while
the epidemic of 1847 begaa in August.
The great epidemic of 1853 began in
May, and the epidemic of the year following came in July, and in the next
■Hear in June.   The epidemic in North
i^arolina in 1862 was .followed in 1864,
l',t;#o years afterward, by one of increased
v* f|ortality,but not in the same cities and
Not  at  all.   I  neveraidwns  as  a  general thing.   In* 1797
I thought you under- Philadelphia's death list was 1,300; in
1798, 3,500, and in 1799 there  were
1,000   deaths.    So  it  was   in   1802,
I was a mis-
when Philadelphia next had the
fever as an epidemic. In South Carolina it has been almost invariably tho
case that the second year brought an
epidemic. Memphis and all other
points which were infected in 1873 escaped the second year. In that year
the fever began in Shreveport first, and
did not conie until the latter part of
August, reaching Memphis Sept. 14.
August has been the favorite month for
its inception. Last year it began near
the 1st of that month in the South.   .
•jciulia; HEW MOOI.
BY WEBBTEB 1. BAIB.
Exaggerations.,
A family while at the breakfast-table
one morning pledged to observe th*
strictest veracity for that day. A member of the family tells the "consequences" in a communication to the Intelligencer :
As a first fruit of the resolve, we
asked the one who had suggested it:
"What made you so late at breakfast
this morning?"
She hesitated, began with, "Because
I couldn't" and then, true to her
compact, said:
"The truth is, I was lazy and didn't
hurry, or I might have been down long
ago."
Presently another one remarked that
she had been very cold, adding:
"I never was so cold in my life."
An inquiring look caused the last
speaker to modify this statement instantly with:
"Oh, I don't mean that! Of course
I've been much colder many times, and
I don't think it was so cold, after all."
A third remark to the effect that
"Miss So-and-so was the homeliest girl
in the city," was recalled as soon as
made, the speaker being compelled to
own that Miss So-and-so was only rather
plain instead of excessively homely.
So it went on throughout the day,
causing much merriment, which was
good-naturedly accepted by the subjects, and giving rise to constant corrections in the interest of truth.
One thing became more and more
surprising, however, to each one of us,
and that was the amount of cutting
down which our most careless statements demanded under this new rule.
Too (Rooio
A very good and pious-looking young
man applied for a position in a well-
known store last week. °Af ter he had
introduced himself and made known
his iwants^hej'Pro.STO
could get one that would -suit him. 'T~-
"I suppose you go to church, eh?" he
commented.
"Yes, sir."
"Do you drink?" continued the merchant, eying him sharply.
"Never!"
"Do you use tobacco in any form?"
Here the young man pushed the quid
into the Eoof of his mouth, and replied
with, a smile that was childlike and
bland:
"I never use the weed, and never did.
I consider it the lowest and most shocking habit that a man can be addicted to."
"Do you frequent the policy shops?"
"No, sir, never."
"Do you go to the National Theater,
dog fights or boxing exhibitions?"
"Never was in any in my life," was the
emphatic reply.
"Can you tell the ace of diamonds
from the king of clubs?"
"I know nothing whatever of cards!"
"Do you ever bet ?"
"No, sir, I don't!"
"Suppose," said the merchant, "a
man should offer to bet $1,000 to $10
that a three-legged goat could outrun a
greyhound, would you take him?"
"No, sir!"
"Then you won't do for this establishment, we don't want you—we never
hire fools I"
That youth won't be so good next
time.
The Old Songs.
"Take back the heart," as the man
said who drew one when he wanted a
diamond.
" Gum, gum away to the pearly fountain," was sung by the man who dropped
hiB store teeth into the creek.
"A loan in the world," was given with
great effect by the man who had to raise
$300 by Saturday noon.
" All's swell," was composed and sung
by the man who sat down on an oak
stump, using a navy-blue wasp for a
cushion.
- " Bee ware" was the national song of
the honey merchants.
"Down by the sea-beat shore" was the
sad refrain of a man whose summer
hotel was eat outen by tramps.
"Dream, baby, dream," was sung and
saidwery energetically by the man who
patroied the floor while the colic pa-
troledohis baby.
" Good-bye, sweet tart," was chanted
by the dyspeptic man who couldn't eat
pie.
" Somebody is waiting for me," was
wailed out by the man who had been to
the Lodge, lost his night key, and could
see the shadow of his wife's mother's
night-capped head on the curtain of the
sitting-room.
"Larboard wafcch"is the favorite lay
of the recent idiot who wears two
watches.—Burlington Hawk Eye.
The heavy supply of American wheat
and corn has depressed the grain trade
of Bussia, as well as of England, France
and Italy. During the month of May
there was a large demand for Bussian
grain for the Italian market; but at
once the competition from tlie -United
States set in.
To-night 1 looked at the new moon in the west,
And the more £ looked the more I was impressed
With God's infinite power and love.
'Twas crescent shaped and beautiful, and seemed
To have in it something, as on me it beamed,
That turned my thoughts to higher deeds
It gave me a new hope and planted in my breast
Thoughts which I in earlier times should ha
possessed;
My life would have been better spent.
Again I looked at the moon and twa3 young'
lite the Muse; there it was up among
A host of stars, anal 'mong men.
It smiled serenely on my eyes upturned:
And from its smiles my heart has learned
More of God; and taught me, too,
That I should trust in Him whose love is great;
It seemed to say, "Labor not nor wait
For honors given to men on earth!
"Press on! and labor for Him whose power and
love
Will crown thee with honors far above
Those given to mortal man below."
I turned my eyes for a moment to the ground,
When there seemed once more that gentle sound,
And I looked again at the moon.
"Have hope! have hope!" again it seemed to say,
And I bade it good-night and turned away;
But it has given mo a hope.
Motrar Union, Pa. <"
PITH AMP POMTo
•■*-
Is the knot in a porker's tail a pigs-
tie?
A bioh relation—The telling of &
racy story.
Mosquitoes penetrate into the best
society.
Ought a baker to drive a thorough
bread rhorse.
An arrow-minded class—Those d©
voted to archery.
Case of rapture—Where a lover is
wrapped up in his girl.
Of-i'ish-aIiLX speaking—Reports of
Fish Commissioners.
The Nihilists are making desperate
efforts to an-nihil-ate the Czar.
Motto of Louisiana.—"If at first you
don't succeed, lie, lie again."
Though all vessels are notpropellres,
yet every vessel has its (s)crew.
"This can't be beat," as the man said
when he bought the porcelain egg.
The way Hanlan beat Elliot was his
superior manner of Hanlan his oars.
The main' chance—The chance of
getting drowned in crossing the ocean.
v7hebedoto is money good?
Who hcs it not wants hardihood;
Who bs.3 it hcs muclvQi' ug^S rjad -ccse;,    ,
""" 'i'hb grand aeer&vj of Jfc&zLsi vdcj-^
There's., so much "itch" to their names
it's no wonder
scratch."
they "come up to the
Aiii the axes and buck-saws found ia
the ruins of Pompeii are of light make,
as if constructed for woman's use.
Those old ancients knew their little
business.
There is an old lady, 107, in Bostou8
who never uses spectacles, and whose
sight is as good as it ever was. [P. S.
The Boston Post, which records this
remarkable fact, adds that the oid lady
was born blind.]
The clergyman in a certain town, as
the custom is, having published the
banns of matrimony between two persons, was followed by the clerk's reading the hymn beginning with these
words: "Deluded souls that dream of
heaven!"
What has become of the old race of
circus clowns, those genial, jolly fellows who made one laugh at the oldest
jokes?-;—Transcript. Just as if you
did not know they are paragraphers—
on the daily papers.—Commercial Bulletin.
A poem -commences: "Under the
willows he's lying." He must be a
tramp. They lie under all sorts of
trees. One was discovered lying under
an axle-tree the other morning. The
owner of the wagon made him wheelwright around and leave.—Norristown
Herald.
"Ikey, vot you vas geshtoodying,
say?" "Now, ole man, vi you only
don't say geshtoodying; aber stoody-
ing!" "Vife, you hear mit dot? Dot
poy tells somedings to his old fader.
Uf I don't vas sent you bei dot school,
and haf you dot Enklish getaught, how
you know vot vos der way right to
gespeak, eh?   Alleweil?"—Puck.
l am the piscatorial governore
Of the Dominion new:
At home the fishing's good,
But be it understood   c
It'd very good here. too.
Vet, when we camp at night,
The gnats begin to bite
And the wood-ticks climb up the le-imbs of my
pants.
And so do the beetles, the skeeters and the ants—
The skeeters and the beetles,
The devil's darning-needles,
And the ants 1"
Base'-bam. definitions: The right
field—the field of duty. A base hit—
a blow below the belt. A dead ball—
dancing without music. A good catch
—one of the Rothschild girls. Put out
on the first—the man who gets April
fooled. Never reaches his second—the
man who refuses to fight a duel. The
champion pitcher—the pitcher that
goes often to the fountain and remains
unbroken.—Albany Evening Journal.
Sharp.
"Darn a fool!" said Wilkins to his
wife. " Certainly," replied Mrs. Wilkins, flourishing a darning-needle.
"Whereabouts are you worn out?"
" Some people are too smart to live
long," retorted he. " My dear," she answered, sweetly, " let me congratulate
you upon your fair prospect for a long
life."
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