1879-09-05; Clare County Press

              M>
Clare
VOLUME II.
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CLARE, MICHIGAN, FRIDf T, SEPTEMBER 5, 1879.
NUMBER 18.
The Clare   County Press.
issued eveky friday at
Clare, Clare County, Mich.,
—BY—
ALVABO E. GOODENOUGH.
A-avertlslng Ratep.
The following Tabic of Advertising Rates has
been carefully arranged according to a plan based
on space kequiked and time cotmmmn. Special
care is taken to set up and arrange advertisements
ln a systematic manner, thus making them more
attractive than when jumbled together.
TABLE Of ADVERTISING-   BATES;	
i wk   2 wk'  ./, wk a mos   5 mos 6 mos  1 yr
TKTTX CAKES.
BV HATTIE E. S. OnKBST.
i inch $1.00
"*in      1.50
3 i«       a.oo
4 in 2,5Q
K <=ol 3.tx>
*£ col 6,00
1   col 10,00
1.50
2,50
3.50
4.50
6.50
2.25
3-75
5.25
7.0Q
1.000
3,00
5.00
7.00
8.75
9.00
13,00
3-75
6.25
II.25
ID.CO
4.50
7.50
10.50
13.50
19.50
9.00
14.00
20.00
25.0°
35-00
15,00
20,00
30.00
35-O0
50,00
10.00
15.00
20.00
25,00
30.00
50.00
80,00
Business Cards, 3 lines t$ per year; each additional line, Si.
Legal Notices—Rates prescribed by law.-J
Local, Notices—wets, per line each insertion.
All, Advertising payable quarterly in Advance,
BUSINESS CARDS.
E. D. WHEATON. 0. W. PERKY
WHEATON & PERRY,
CLARE,       -      -       MICH.
All business intrusted with them will rcceiv
prompt attention. Collections made and Real Ee
tatebought and sold. Office Maynard Block,Main St
W" ""m. H. ELDEN, Jewei.ee AND
dealer 111 Wall Paper, Books and Stationery, Sewing Machine Fixtures, etc., Clare,
aEO. W. JEFFERIES, Judge op
Phobate and Justice of the Peace, Clare.
Special attention given to making collections. Of-
ce ox Main Street.
CSs not tho mighty cataract,
That swells and surges for a day,
Then ceasos with its fuj?y spont,    •
That wears tho flinty rook away.
'Hs not tho griefs whioh fempest-Hko
Sweep through tho sonl with mighty strength,
Then by God's mercy are assuaged,
That leave their linea in greatest length.
But constant dropping woaroth stone,
Howo'er mimito the drops may bo,
And the petty cares and griefs of life
Wear upon our minds continually.
Vet thero is no escape from thorn;
They follow us both night and day,
Making such havoc of our lives
» As moth worms make upon their prey.
No face but sometime wears thoir mark,
No form but bows beneath thoir -weight,
No eye but dims with tears thoy start,
Alike thoy haunt both small and groat.
Tho monarch on his dazzling throne,
The peasant in his lowly cot,
Must each his separate burden bear,
Neither troubled at tlie other's lot.
But though wo are boset with cares,
Let's look for comfort from above;
Clouds will not always darken down,
.JFor heaven is fair and God is love.
JPittsfield, Mass.
THREE GIFTS.
Q.EO. J. CUMMINS,
Attorney-at-Law and Solicitor,
Gourt House Building, Farwell, Mich.
C,
C. CASTERLIN,
o
Attorney-and-Counselor-at-Law, and
Counselor & Solicitor in Chancery,
Gourt House Building, Farwell, Mich.
HC. DODGE, Justice op the
• Peace and Notary Ptblic, Vjsknok, has
Good Farming Lands for Sale
Cheap.   Titles Perfect,
Terms Easy.
H. C. Dodge, FbweixTj, Mich.
H. SUTHERLAND,
Notary Public & Insurance Afit.^.
ON XB«»K.O-V-e» KTeA-C   ESTATE
Court House Building, Farwell.
W- S. COOLEY,
DEALER IH
Harness, "Whips, Robes, & Blankets.
The best assortment of Trunks and Traveling
bags in town, and prices the lowest.
THE BEST OF MATERIAL USED.
Aii work  warranted.   Repairing done  promptly
I will sell cheaper than can be bought elsewhere in Saginaw Valley.
TDUBEN SMIThT"
NOTAB Y P UBLIC.
Real Estate and Insurance Agent.
MASK, MICH.
Particular attention paid to looking land, cstimat
ing pine timber^ adjusting trespsasses and paying
taxes for non residents.
Manhattan Fire Insurance Company of New York
Strong and sound, with tow rates.
-jyj" R. JEFFERIES,
DEALER lit
FRESH & SALT MEAT,
»
Fresh and Cured Fish,
Fine Groceries and General
Farm Produce.
Cheapest T E A in Town !
Cash paid for hides.
MAIN STREET, CLARE.
HOTELS, LIVERIES, &o.
JTBW   FURNITURE,   NEWLY
Befitted, New Proprietor.
ST. JAMES HOTEL,
V. K. -eRO-WN, Prop,,
MOUNT PLEASANT,   MICH.
FirstCtass Accommodations*   Good Sample Rooms
for Agents. Good Barn.
OABWELL BILLIARE HALL,
FARWELL, MICH.
FINEST~CIGARS,
Pure Wines, Liquors, Ales, Beer, Porter, Cider, Me.
Those desiring a pure article are invited to oall.
HENRY NEWTON.
CJUMMERS & NEWTON,
Proprietor$ of the
FARWELL  LIVERY.
HORSES &~CARRIAGES
TO LET.
Parties conveyed everywhere in this
section and vicinity.
,83-Terms reasonable. ,
EAOLE HOTEL,
Coral, Montcalm Co*, Mich.
A. FRED GOODENOUGH, Prop.
A Temperance -Blouse.
This is a new house, neutly furnished, convenient
to the trains, with good accommodations at reasonable prices.   .
GOOES  J-CXVE-.RY ATTACBCEI-*.
BY OHAIUYES M. TEBBY, JB,
Once upon* a time there dwelt upon
the surface of the earth an old miser
named Donald McDee, who lived
alone in a little cabin in the heart of
Ireland, raised his own potatoes, cut
turf for his own fire, and never spent a
shilling if it was possible to beg one.
The spirit of hoarding had not come to
him with age, for in his boyhood he
saved all his half-pence, and never ate
his apples until they were soft and spotted with long keeping. And when he
was quite a young man he was known as
Donald the miser. His little shealing
was full of odds and ends, which he
had picked up in his wanderings, and
could never bring himself to part with,
although they seemed to be of very little
use, and he would go far out of his way to
pick up a rusty nail or a crooked pin.
The children called him a witch, and
hooted at him as he passed
through the village in his queer, high-
crowned hat and iong-tailed blue coat.
He never exchanged a pleasant greeting with living mortal, but went his way,
guarding his pockets as though each
man he met was a-thief, with his eye
upon their content*., Aloae ^oldPonr
night came on,, and tSie shutters were
close-barred, the old man would ait down
upon his moldy floor, and, lifting a movable plank beneath the window, take out
his worshiped pot of money, hoarded
for long years, and count it over and
over again with a groan for every piece
as it clinked against its neighbor.
One night, as he sat thus telling his
gold and silver, and never fearing interruption—for a terrible tempest raged
without, and few ever came to old Donald's cottage even in pleasant weather—
a low, hurried knocking fell upon the
panels of his door, and made him hide
his treasure with the greatest celerity.
"Who can it be !" he muttered, as fie
scrambled to his feet. " Heaven protect
us, an' what if it was a thafe of a robber?" And he dragged an old chest
over the loose board, and locked the
closet, whose shelves held a slice of
bread and a broken bit of cheese, before
he tottered to the door, and inquired,
, -nth a trembling voice, " Who's without, and what may ye be afther wanting?"
" It is a friend, Donald," answered a
soft voice. "Open the door, for I'm
standing here in the rain."
"A woman, anyhow," muttered the
miser.
" Well, well, I'll just peep out at her
and send her away."
And with these words he drew the
door ajar, and thrust his head out into
the storm.
Thereupon the door-step, stood a tall,
fair woman, dressed in white garments,
and, before he could prevent her, she
had slipped in, and sat drying her
raiment before the blaze of the light
wood which crackled in the fire-place.
Donald looked at her m amazement.
" Might I be so bold as, to ask what
je'ie wanting?" he said at length.
" Yes, Donald McDee," answered the
woman, "I have come here to beg.
Give me a shilling out of your hoard of
silver, and you'll bo rewarded here and
hereafter."
"I give ye a shilling I" howled the
miser. "I'm the poorest man in Ireland. Go to the great folks. I'm a beggar myself. Would ye have me starve
in me onld age? I haven't got it to
give."
" Donald, Donald 1" said the woman,
" think what ye're saying. There's fearful need of the gift, where yon least
think of it. Give a sixpence, Donald
McDee."
"Sixpence! I'd die in the poor-house
if I did," Bhrieked the miser. "It would
Keep me a week. Sixpence I Sure,
you're gone mad, woman,"
"Then a penny," pleaded the woman,
"only a penny, to save life. For the
sake of your soul, give me a penny, Donald McDee."
"I haven't it to give, and if I had I'd
keep it to have a.mass said with, and
save me sowl, without spending it till I
died," replied the man. "Go, go! that's
a good woman, and don't be tormentin'
a poor man so. If ye'd been saving
ye'd have it yourself.   Go, go!"
But the woman stooped before the
fireplace, and, picking up a charred
piece of plank, said slowly, "If you'll
give me nothing else, let me take this;
and rementber, I ask it again for the
sake of your soul."
"That board!" gasped Donald; "why,
it's three feet long. Three feet of good
board, just a little charred at the end.
What are ye thinking of?"
"Donald McDee, perhaps it will save
some poor soul from freezing this bitter night," said the woman. "Out of
all you have, can you not spare this for
the poor, and for the sake of your own
soul?"
There was something so solemn in
the woman's manner that the miser
shuddered involuntarily.
"There, there," he said, "take it, take
it, and go away—take it, or I can't help
snatching it from ye. Three feet of
good board! I'm a spendthrift in my
old age.   Go—quick!"
And before he could finish speaking
the woman was gone, so softly and rapidly that he could not tell the moment
oi her exit. "That's a way to be off
after such a gift," muttered Donald.
"Well, well, it's a great thing to be
charitable, so the priest says, and if
giving three feet of good board isn't
charity, what would be—to an unknown
woman, too? Ah! I'm afraid I'm getting childish." jind Donald McDee
scraped his fire together, and went to
bed, when he dreamed of beggarwomen
Who carried away his treasury, and
awoke with fearful screams for help,
which no one heard.
As time passed on, the old man became even more penurious, if that was
possible. The consciousness of one
weakness steeled his heart against all
other beggars, and no one ever received
so mnoh as a pin from his avaricious
hands.
Three years from the day on which
he had first received the fair woman's
visit, Donald was orouclied once more
in the corner, and counting his glittering hoard. It had increased with time,
and as he counted it he muttered:
"Well, well, that board was worth a penny—a whole penny, at the least. Not
that I begrudge it, for it's a great thing
to be charitable, but a penny is a penny,
nevertheless."
Just as he spoke another knock came
npon the door—such a rap as the woman
herself had given three years before.
"I hope it's not herself again," muttered Donald, as ho scrambled to the
latch, and, lifting it, admitted the very
being of whom he was thinking. Tho
miser started baok in amazement, and
-^^.-'•&''&isj'^^ -jSif»
aSa said: "Donald McDee, Pve come
to beg yon for a sliilling."
"More shillings," muttered the old
man. "What a crayfchur ye are, I
gave ye a board—a good board—three
years ago, and yez back for something
else after all. I've no shillings. I'm
as poor as a magpie."
" Donald, Donald, if you won't give
money, give something for the sake of
your soul. There's a bit of rope—may
I take that?"
" That piece of rope?" shrieked Donald. " No, no. I was offered sixpence
for it, and only kep it bekase Dennis
O'Rourke said he'd give me sevenpence
next Monday. That rope 1 Och,
niverl"
" Donald, you're an old man," said
the woman, " and what is that rope to
you, with all your money? Give it to
a poor woman, and take a blessing instead of it, as you hope for heaven."
"There, go," screamed! the miser.
"I'm going mad. Take the rope, and
never darken my doors again. Seven-
pence—sevenpence! I've thrown away
sevenpence!" and he fell npon the floor
in a fit as he uttered the last words.
Donald McDee never recovered from
the anguish which his own generosity
had brought him, but sank slowly, day
by day, until at last he lay upon Ms
pillow and counted the money, as he
hid it beneath 'the straw mattress, repeating, at every summing up of his
possessions—"And eightpence gone for
a board and a rope that I gave to a
woman I didn't know at all."
He gasped these words one day when
his breath came thickly to his lips, and
everything was growing dim about him,
and shuddered with affright as he descried a woman standing at his bedside,
listening to them. It was the beggar
to whom he had given the board and
the rope.
"Donald McDee," she said, "I've come
for the last time. Give me something
for charity's sake—anything that is
worth a penny; only give, give, as yon
hope for mercy.*
"I'm poor, I haven't a thing," gasped
Donald, clutching a handful of money
beneath the blanket.  Go away.   Go—"
"Not without some small gift," pleaded the woman. "A penny is something
to a beggar.   Give."
Donald rose in his bed, and with
trembling fingers he pointed to a brass
key hanging on a nail in the Wall.
"Take it," he said; "it's a good brass
key, worth twopence, and, mind ye,
niver say I wasn't charitable. Eight-
pence for the board and the rope, and
now twopence for a key, makes ten-
pence—tenpence from a poor ould man
that may starve yet."
"Donald, the board, and the key, and
the rope you shall see when you most
need them. Farewell I" And in an instant she was gone.
"Tenpence!" whispered the miser.
"Well, well, I'll try to save it in light,
for I'm a very poor man." And, turning with a groan, he blew out the candle
end which guttered on the table, and
died gasping in tho dark.
**»       *****
Donald MoDee's spirit found itself
standing on the margin of a black river,
awful to look upon, it was so wide and
deep.   Beyond lay a green mountain,
snA »t flie Bummit something glittered
Willi a splendid light purer than the
*tf§ *ho P:re('*Ons stones. Donald
tttteied, and saw a white-winged angel
clqte beside him.
TDost thou know what light that is
yop"«'r ?' said the presence.
J?I ■ So not," answered Donald, with
A ISP^ is i-ao gate *o heaven," said the
a pi,
'WH»7 I go there?" asked the miser.
'If ,thou canst ford the river, climb
tl a »teep mountain, and unlock the
g, Idea gate," replied the angel.
* JAndhow can I do that?" sighed
II Isald.
^member thy good action s," said the
ai feeL   "One of ifcem may aid thee."
flue* me see," muttered the miser. "I
dfcte the Widow Gresham's cow for the
r, it, and made a pretty penny by it,
b -fettfe I took the shealing for meself."
(Xfyr*, angel frowned,
..... id I took the guirfea ould blind
[aire Biggins dropped, and him none
wiser."
angel sighed."'
'« quaro, but they begin to seem
things to me," murmured Donald,
so does everything only the fool-
iings,   I gave a board and a rope
kay to a poor woman, and it was
(rice counted up.   Sure, there she
imin."
Bd close behind him stood the wom-
white, holding the oharred board
ir hand. "It's your first gift," she
t "Tread upon it and cross. You
it in charity—it returns to you
* And safely, slowly, the strange
wafted Donald over the black
nr, and ho felt as though something
■aMkliftcd from his eyes.
j?_ There ctood the mountain, steep and
"; but over its margin hung arope,_
the Voice of the white-robed"
o«tn called from above:
hy second gift, Donald, It has
Joe- to thee in time of need,"
. Je stood before the golden gate at
3(*jl*i* and; looking through its bars of
pe«Br»i saw green gardens and fountains
c|fiMlvejr, and heard the songs of angels
ii'the distance. A hand was on his
am, and, looking around, he saw the
wjjute-robed woman, gloriously changed
a*m'beautified, standing beside him,
ing forth a key, "Thy only volun-
gift, old man," she said. "Take it
unlock |be glotioajk g»te»'.'
^OmoniMT^odi claspitfg*"
upon his brow. "I'm trying to remember," he said, "what was it my mother
taught me from the Bible."
"It is more blessed to give than to
receive."
"More blessed! Oh! if I could live
again, I would remember that."
And, as be spoke, a mantle of filth
seemed to fall from about him, the
golden gates were turned upon their
hinges, and angels bore him through
them.
stretching from every battle-field and
patriot grave to every living heart and
hearthstone, all over this broad land,
will yet swell the chorus of the Union,
when again touched, as surely they will
be, by the better angels of our nature."
—Seribner,
CHAEMED BY A SNAKE.
Lincoln's Homely Phrases.
In his letter declining an invitation
to attend the Minois Bepublican Convention, in "I863, Lincoln made use of
two or three striking figures. Reviewing tie military events of the past year,
which had been favorable to the cause
of the Union, he said: "The Father •!
-waters again goes unvexed to the sea,"
And, referring to the fact that Southern Unionists and ex-slaves had done
something to help on the good work,
he said: "On the spot, their part of
the history is dotted down in black and
white." There was something in the
phrase "dotted down in black and
white " which mightily tickled the pop-
alar fancy. At the time, however, criticism was provoked by this odd figure
employed by the President: "Nor
must Uncle Sam's web-feet be forgotten. At all the Watery margins they
"have been present, not only on the deep
eea, th« broad bay, the rapid river, but
also up the narrow, muddy bayouB, and
■wherever the ground was a little damp,
they have been and made their tracks."
Lincoln was amused by the discussion
ia the newspapers to which the use of
the phrase "Uncle Sam's web-feet"
gave rise. He explained that the remarkable feats performed by the gunboats, in making their way through
sloughs and bayous, heretofore considered nnnavigable, reminded him of the
stealthy passage of water-fowl. The
pleasantry concerning light-draught
steamers going where " the ground is a
little damp" is familiar to everybody.
It will be a long time before our people will forget Lincoln's homely Simite
of "elder-squirts charged with rose-
water," as applied to the conservative
programme for prosecuting the war.
This.was used in a letter to Cuthbert
Bullitt, of New Orleans, in which letter
he also said that the conservatives were
like complaining passengers on a ship—
"The mutineers must go untouched, lest
one of these sacred passengers should
receive an additional wound." His imagination was powerfully stimulated by
any reference to the history of the republic. His address at Gettysburg, now
one of the great historical speeches of
the world, suggests, rather than ex
presses, a crowd of images. To Lincoln's mind, apparently, American his^
tory was filled with noble and pathetic
figures. Li some of the loftier flights
of his eloquence may be found traces of
a strong poetic fancy—an imagination
fired by love of country, and inspired
by the contemplation of the stirring
events that have marked its history
No more striking example of this can
be found anywhere than in the memorable words whioh closed his first inaugural address:
"The mystic   chords  of    memory,
An Ohio Girl for "Weeks in tlie Power or a
BepUle.
[Alt. Vernon  (Ohio) Letter to  Cincinnati   Com-
Hurcial..]
A very rare psych ologicalphenomenon
was related to us by Mr, Oampbell,
about a snake's influence over a young
lady living east of Mt. Vernon, by the
name of Bertha Miller, For some
weeks the parents had noticed that
their daughter was showing marks of
declining health, evidenced by an increasing paleness and emaciation and'
accompanied by a melancholy mood.
So marked was the ohange becoming
that they began feeling great solicitude
concerning her, and consulted a physician of this .city about the matter.
The physician visited the girl, but was
unable to explain the cause of her decline or to render her aid. It also fell
under the observation of her mother
that each afternoon, about 3 o'clock,
the girl would leave the house and remain away from one to two hours. This
fact being communicated to the other
parent, it was decided to watch the
young lady and discover if possible the
reason for such habitual absence. Accordingly, on the day following, when
the hour had about arrived, the father
left the house and watched for the going of his daughter. In a few minutes
the young girl was on her way through
a wood ancl up a ravine leadiDg from
the house to a small stone quarry, some
half-mile distant, reaching which, she
took a seat on a flat stone, under a
small clump of trees, and remained
sitting there quietly for several minutes, her head held in one position, and
eyes evidently fixed on one spot, The
father had gotten up so near by this
time that he could observe all that
would happen. In a few moments, to
his amazement, there proceeded from
the direction in whioh the girl was
looking a snake about four feet in
length, and known to him as our common biacksnake Or racer. So astonished
was he at the peculiar manner of liis
r »n4 .the, tkppoftrAlice of - the
reptile that he remained quiet in Ms
concealment to observe what would
happen. The snake crept slowly along
toward the girl until it halted close to
her feec. After remaining there motionless for a minute or more and gazing fixedly into the face of the girl it
slowly and stealthily began creeping toward her, and in a moment lay coiled
in her lap. The girl remained perfectly motionless, apparently not the least
alarmed at the presence of her visitor,
but gazing intently at it. After lying
in that position for a short while it
slowly uncoiled, crept down to the
! ground and back to it3 hiding-place in
j the rocks. The girl remained sitting
j motionless for a considerable time, and
J then got-up and retraced her steps to
| the house. On the next day the father,
at the appointed time, took his gun, and,
proceeding to the scene, killed the reptile. The girl, startled at the report of
the gun, sprung to her feet, but, immediately recognizing her father, proceeded without further ado back home with
him. She, when interrogated, could
give no intelligible reason for visiting
the spot, except that at a certain hour
she felt strongly inclined to go and sit
there. She has rapidly recovered her
health, and appears in no wise affected
in her mind. Experts can offer no
solution to this strange proceeding, the
most intelligible being that the animal
possessed a large mesmeric influence,
and had so wrought upon the mind of
the girl that she went automatically to
the place. This, in connection with an
accumulated inherited disposition to be
beguiled by a serpent — transmitted
from our first mother, Eve — offers the
only rational explanation.
A Bat-Skin Suit.
An ingenious individual of Lisk-
eard, Cornwall, has, for some
time past, been exhibiting himself
in a dress composed from top to toe of
rat skins, which he had been collecting
for thre6 years and a half. The dress
was made entirely by himself; it consists of hat, neckerchief, waistcoat,
trousers, tippet, gaiters and shoes, The
number of rats required to complete
this suit was 670; and the individual,
when thus dressed, appears exactly like
one of the Esquimaux described in the
travels of Parry and Ross. The tippet
or boa is composed of the pieces of skin
immediately round the tails of the rats,
aud is a very curious part of the dress,
containing 600 tails.—English paper.
The Logic of Madmen.
Vienna has some crazy writers. In a
mad-house of Vienna a hthographic
newspaper is published to which the
inmates of the institution contribute. In
a recent number, a lunatic wrote a most
logical article to convince another that
his beard was not of heather a/jd required incessant watering. Yet this
crazy writer believes his own nose to be
of sugar, and drank water through ri,
straw to prevent it from getting wet.
How very like the logic of some philosophers, politicians and theologians who,
while jnroving the fallaoiovsuess of the
views of opponents, have crazy notions
of their own!'	
A negro has be^n licensed to practice
medicine jn Madison county, Alabama.
UJ-to
DRnrarNG.
BY BExVUE M0HTIOEI.LV0.
Qayly drifting I gayly drlfttngl
Down life's istream I
Not a care to mark my paUiway,
It doth seem.
A world of joy, bo bright and fair,
With woadora rifa, and pleaanroa rare,
A pleasant dream.
Idly drifting I idly drifting I
Down life's stream I
Not a thought save for the present I
Still Ineom
Free from petty cares annoying;
Life is fl»"r---M   I'm now enjoying
LovrH* young dream I
Slowly drifting! slowly drifting 1
Down life's stream 1
Often now in troubled voters-
Changed tho sconel
Storm clouds now bsS-Sgli me rise,
Yet o'er the waves mj iTf-trk still glides I
•Hs no dream!        "3
Gently drifting I gently drif ting I
Down life's stream 1
Calm and peaceful now the waters
Hope doth gleam.
Ero lonjr my sailing will be o'er;
I Boon sbaU pass to yon bright shore
Of which I dream I
Hazei, Gb.ekn, Wis, ^
PITH AND POL^T.
Net profit—Pish. t-"-'
Needs looking iri^o—A telescope.
Pome-aid—A rhyming dictionary.
The free pass is often ridden to death.
It is a very small boat that is cap'
sized.
Tff yotj do not find bathing shoes at
the sea shore, you will find the sand al
there.
Tam-i- one for Darwin. Monkeys
swim as men do, with the side stroke,
not "dog fashion."
A fabmer on the shores of Lake
Ontario had nine acres washed away in
twenty years. He is ^evidently losing
ground.
When a baby stuffs his toe into his
mouth he little realizes how hard it will
be for him in later years to make both
ends meet.
When a man does us a kindness we
call him a brick, and when he does us
an unkiDdness we want to hit him with
one.—OH Gity Derrick.
Ax-dung man in Nebraska sent an
offer of marriage to a girl in Iowa whom
he fancied, and in reply received this
telegram: "Come on with your minister!"
"Jane," said he, "I think if you were
»iojiffc--j-oux ieefe- away feoia the. fits, "we
might have some heat in the room."
And they hadn't been married two years
either,
Solomon's wisdom was never more
apparent than when he warned not to
lose sight of the rod. Misplaced switches
have wrought great evil to the race in
these latter days.
That was a smart b*y smashed the
other fellow's egg, and then justified
himself with the remark that it is good
for a man to bare the yolk in his youth.
—Philadelphia Bulletin.
"I would not marry the best man
living," she said,
And she tept her vow from the first.
But she did not live to die an old maid,
But she married one of the worst.
- jTo.'edo Qoisiper.
"No, I can't stay," replied a gentleman
who was invited to stay all night at the
house of a friend. "Before morning,
my wife would be out with a lantern,
like Diogenes, hunting for an honest
man."
An Indiana lady writes: "No true and
devoted husband will feel it degrading
to help prepare a meal, rock the baby,
or wipe the dishes, and also throw in a
few loving words of encouragement between times."
One of the brightest little sons resid-
ingon James street hill saw his father fixing the billiard table with a spirit level.
After the old man had finished the job
he remarked: "Now, pa, see if my
head's level."—Syracuse Standard.
Geandson, your debtB my eyes confound;
Each day they're larger growing;
Tho folks are dunning you aU round-
Why don't you pay what's owingl
Indeed, I do my best, doar Gran.;
Tho factl'dlike to mention; ,
I'm paying everything I can;
I'm paying you—attention.
When a man is standing with one foot
on a truck and the other on a case on
the sidewalk, and the horse suddenly
starts and causes him to open like a pair
of shears, the rapidity with which he
can't decide what to do is one of the
insoluble phenomena of human nature.
NEVEn fear a brake wlU break,
0 thou railroad traveler!
I*or a brake is made to brake—
Er+ak it woi.'t, thou cavilfr.
Whun a brake doth brake it breaks not;
When it brr aks it cannot brake;
Whether it doth brake or brakes not,
Never, never doth it break.
—New rvrkMail.
This is the way the'Town Clerk's
notice read: "Marriage intended between William Williams, of Williams-
town, and Betsey Williams, of Williams-
bridge." An unmitigated villain added
in pencil, "Eor particulars see small
Bills, to be circulated hereafter."
Don't ever whip your baby boy
Till he's old enough to Bpank;
Don't force him to tho treadmill work
Till be can turn the crank:
Don't attempt fo air your knowledge        '
Till you're old enough to know
Tnat potatoes don't amount to mnoh
Till they'vo had time to grow.        •
—Oil City Derrick. *
An ambitious young clerk in a whole
sale grocery establishment resolves to
enter the civil service, and so presents
himself before the examiners. One of
the questions is, "What is coffee, and
where does it come from?" "Oh, come
now, you know," says the candidate,
"I can't give away the boss; allow me to
plead privilege. That's a professional
secret." 	
A speculator in oil-wells may be
said to be in the hole-sale business.
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