1879-09-26; Clare County Press

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VOLUME II.
CLAEE, MICHIGAN, PBIDAY^SEPTEMBER 26, 3879.
NUMBEB 21.
i: .'
The Clare   County Press.
ISSUED BVExlY PBIDAY AT
Clare, Clare County, Mich.,
—-by—
alvabo p. goodenough.
A-tlvertist-qg Ratee,**
The following Table of Advertising Rates has
been carefully arranged according to a plan based
on spaqh nnQuinBD and timb continvkd. Special
care is taken to set up and arrangu advertisements
In a systematic manner, thus making thein more
attractive than when jumbled together.
         -rABx-B of advertising rates.
j wk
i inch-Si.oo
em      1.50
3 in      3.00
4 in 3.50
% col 3.00
}i col 6,00
z   col 30.00
2 wk   4 wk a mos   3 mos 6" mos
i.5°
3.50
3-5°
4.50
6,50
3.35
3-75
5.«
7.OO
1.000
3.00
3.7S
5.00
6.25
T.CO
8.75
9-O0
IJ.35
13.0°
16.00
4-50
7.5o
10,50
13.30
•<9.5o
9,00
14.00
30,00
35,00
35.00
15,00
30.00
30,0O
35-°o
50.00
ryr
xo.oq
15,00
30,00
25,00
30.00
50.00
S0.00
Business Cards, 3 lines $5 per year; each ad.
mtionalHne,j5z.
Lsoai. Notices—Rates prescribed by law.J
Local Notices—loots, per line each insertion.
All Advertising payable quarterly in Advance.
t   '.
St
BUSINESS CARDS.
"P. D. -WHEATON. 0. "W. 1?EB,BY
WHEATON & PERRY,
-CA-WVEJStS,
CLARE,       -      -      MICH.
AU businass intrusted with them will receiv
prompt attention. Collections made and Real Ee
tate bought and-sold. Office MaynardBiock.MainSt
M. H. ELDEN, Jewemb and
dealer 111 Wall Paper, Books and Stationery, Sewing Machine Fixtures, etc., Clark.
/"I EO. W. JEFFERIES, JunGE of
vDT PnonATBand Justjcb op thb Peace, Clare.
Special attention given to making collections. Of-
ce oh Main Street.
S'
(^{.EO. J. CUMMINS,
Attorney-at-Laio and Solicitor,
Gourt House Building, Farwell, Mich.
G
C, CASTEBLLN,
AttoniGy-and-Gounselor-at-La-w, and
Counselor & Solicitor in Chancery,
Court House Building, Farwell, Mch.
C. DODGE, Justice op the
* Peace and Notary Ptblic, Vbknqn, has
Goox> Fabjiinc!- Lands fob Sale
,   Cheap,   Titles Pebfect,
TebmsEasy.
K< O^Doi>ge, FbweijIi, Mich.
H. SUTHEBLAND,
Notary Public & Insurance Agt.
Money to Loan
02W XaKPttOVE-O »EA"C ESTATE
Wuri Homebuilding, JbrjoelL
fWV3, cools&Yi
I
HEALER >H
Harness, Whips, Bobes, & Blankets.
The best assortment of Trunks and Traveling
bags in town, and prices the lowest.
THE BEST OF MATEBIAL USED.
All work  warranted.   Repairing done   promptly
I will sell cheaper than can be bought elsewhere in Saginaw Valley,
""DUBEN sSlTH^
NOTAR Y PUBLIC.
Beal Estate and Insurance Agent.
•MARK, MUCH.
Particular attention paid to looking land, estimat
iliB pine timber, adjusting trcspsasses and paying
taxes for non residents.
Manhattan Fire Insurance Company of New York
Strong and sound, with low rates.
KE.\I0KSK.
"Who   ,seapes  thy   Ming, 0,  terrible  Remorse!"
WHITTxKIl.
0, ghostly moinories of my vanished years I
O, dark, weird visitors Who nightly come,
ith looks reproachful, all too deep for tears,
To haunt my couch, to crowd my sloop!ng-room;
Tha world asleep, why ant I doomed to wake.
Shrinking from vl3ionB tho worn heart to shakey
O, youth! proud yonth, who caution cannot brook,
Upon whose brow no shado ot care has been,
Might I but wain theo that a word, alook,
May prove a dragon's tooth to raise armed men;
Those who may scourge theo aa with scorpion's
stings,
When o'er gray hairs blest sleep no shadow flings,
Lito Jn its wane, and brief, and no amends
For all tho nobio chancea alighted, lost—
No time onoe more to seek life's greatest ends,
A sinking baric upon dark visions toBt—
Ah I what is life whose aim is not that quest,
Peace, as a river," bearing ns to rest.
Is there no refuge from these kauri ting throngs,
These murdered hours, these follies shaped to
crimes ?
Must these,  once dwarfs, now grown to giant
wrongs,
ThuB haunt me nightly UU the early chimes?
Must I, the couch, onco sought for gentle Bleep,
Loathe, for the somber shapes  whioh 'round it
creep?
O, what a mystery is life, at last)
Beset with snares, a ceaseless war to wage,
Whero seeds, sown carelessly in tho the far-off
past,
Sprout the sharp thorns  which torture ua In
age;
How, tanglod midst these as the step grows slow,
We halt, and groan, snd Bramble as wa go.
I am no murderer of men 1 and yet,
As it " blood cried to me from out tho ground,"
A thousand .'ooks reproachfill I havo met.
Which com* unbidden, my sore heart to wound;
I am not cruel 1—yet the heedless word,
Xfy taunt-xforgotten—at deep midnight stirred,
And came to life, and sadly stood and gased
From out the daraacss, as with eyes of light,
To griove my very son', til Slumber, crazed,
Fled from irine eves for all tho weary nlsht;
Oh, God 1 that memory should "br'-ng snch grief,
A weary burden, hopeless of relief.
What though fierce Provocation plied Its sting,
Till all but madnc6s tortured tho spent soul,
Though ceaseless griefs, like Insects on the -wing,
Seemed on my path to Snd their fittest goal?
All this, perhaps, shou'd teach me to endure
With patience ills for which life finds no euro.
" Peace waits us on tbe shores ot Acheron 1"
So Bang a sufferer in ycarB agone;
Must only certain natutes crave that boon
Tho heri" of men nnd nothing to atone?
Must but the few move sadly niidat the throng,
The world Itself, regardless, feel no wrong?
Peace! there will be peaco beyond tbo stars;
The heavens, which look down on these midnight
hours,
Peace, undisturbed by what of griefs or wars,
Torture tho heart in thia dark world of ours.
Driven from my couch by-viBions of tha night,
Let me my home see in those spheres of light,
Ohioaod, 111, Actsos.
JPOOK MR. DALE.
BY E. B. W.
"Dear Mr, Dale ia a model wan;, he
has given me «.. hiindral dollars—fifty
M
B. JEFFEBIES,
DEAt.HR IN
FRESH & SALT MEAT,
Fresh and Cured Fish,
Fine Groceries and General 10W°man*
„ „ i    " He don't look
Farm Pkoduce.
oign xtxissioivB
"The splendid, generous creature!
"Would there were-more like him in this
mercenary world," were some of the
exclamations which greeted the announcement of one of the ladies gathered in Mrs. Green's parlor to discuss
the best methods of serving the Lord
at home and abroad, and any incidental
subjects than might bo suggested.
"How much did Mrs. Dale give you ?"
asked the President of the Society for
the Promotion of Piety at Home.
"Not one penny," was the energetic
j answer, flavored with an emphasis by no
•' means complimentary to Mrs. Dale.
j    "You might have spared yourself the
trouble of calling on her," exclaimed
j the Secretary of the Society for the
1 Distribution of Bibles and Tracts among
j the Heathen. "She will not give a cent
I to charitable associations,   nor would
she permit her husband to if she could
help it.   Poor Mr. Dale!    I do feel
sorry for him.   It must be dreadful for
a man of such noble, generous impulses
to be tied to such a cold, unsympathet-
Cheapest T E A in Town !
Cash paid for hides.
MAIN STREET, CLARE.
HOTELS, LIVERIES, &c.
"^E^FURNPTUIIT^K^Y
Befitted, Nexo Proprietor.
ST. JAMES HOTEL,
V. JK. BROWN, Prop.,
MOUNT PLEASANT,  MICH.
FirstCIass Accommodations.    Good Sample Rooms
for Agents, Good Barn.
JJARWELL BILLIABE HALL,
FABWELL, MICH.
FINEST~CIGARS,
Pure Wines, Liquors, Ales, Beer, Porter, Cider, Etc,
Those desiring a pure article are invited to oall.
HENRY NEWTON.
s
UMMEBS & NEWTON,
Proprietors of the
FARWELL  LIVERY.
FORSES & CARRIAGES
TO LET.
Parties conveyed everywhere in this
section and vicinity.
jOgy-Terms reasonable.
YPAGLE HOTEL,
Coral, Montcalm Co., Mich.
A. FBED GOODENOUGH, Prop.
A Temperance House.
This Is a new house, neatly furnished, convenient
to the trains, with good accommodations at reason-
»ble prices,
GOOD MVEBY ATTACHED.
h&PPy> aB'i I don't
wonder at it," chimed in the President
of the Society for the Prevention of
Cruelty to Children. " I went to ber
for a donation last week, and she refused me in a vehement—indeed in an
unlady-like manner—and when I told
her of the handsome sum given by her
husband she said: ' That must suffice
for the family.' I told her it was customary for husbands and wives to make
separate subscriptions; that I saved
regularly from my monthly allowance
for personal expenditures, so that I
might always have something for our
contribution boxes, and I pointed my
words with an emphasis that was not
lost on her, for her face flushed to her
very temples, and when the color died
away she was paler than before."
"lam glad you had the courage to
talk so freely to her," exclaimed an energetic member of a Dorcas society, " I
never can do it; she has usually such a
high and mighty air about her—so different from her husband, whose every
word and action shows he finds his
greatest pleasure in serving and giving
to the Lord."
"I had an unpleasant experience with
her last week," said the hostess, Mis,
Green, " though I wouldn't have said a
word if we had not drifted upon the
subject, for you all know I never talk
about my neighbors. I went to see
her and found her patching some
clothes for her children, and I asked
her to give them to me when she had
finished them, as they would just fit
some poor children in my district, and
she answered rather curtly. I thought
that she needed them for' her own children. Then 1 felt it my duty to tell
her what would ensue from her love of
accumulation of worldly treasures —
how the Blessed Book pronounced it
the root of all evil; then I exhorted
her to come to the ^societies she had
ceased to attend—to come under the
softening influence of the spirit of
charity which ever brooded over us."
"Beautiful 1   How you were favored!
What did she say to that?" came
quickly in different keys from different
auditors,
"She flushed up all of a sudden, juflt
as Sister Brown told, and then.-I
would not like to say she smiled Bft''m-
oally, for it would be accusing her ojt
sacrilege, Beeing we were talking of
sacred subjects, but if we bad been
talking after the profane manner of the
world, whioh is, 1 fear, her favorite conversation— I would say she smiled
satirically as she answered: 'I think I
prefer St. Paul's definition of charity
to yours."*
"The horrid creature! Poor, dear
Mr. Dale. No wonder he looks at times
as if he carried the world upon his
shoulders. What a different life he
might have led. What a different man
he might have been with a soft-hearted
and more sympathetic wife," softly
murmured a sympathetic spinster.
*****
Marjorie Dale sat alone in her sitting
room watching her ohildren playing an
the pretty yard, and their clear laughter
made sweet musio in her ears, yet,
when she ceased watching them and
picked up the work whioh had fallen
upon her lap, an anxious look troubled
the depths of the clear brown eyes, and
the expression which had been called
"cold" and "unsympathetic" crept upon
her face. Clearly there was nothing in
Marjorie's visible surroundings to pro
duce this effect. The room was prettily
and tastefully furnished, the ohildren
playing on the green grass were healthy
and handsome, and, What was yet more
grateful to the mother's heart, affect
tionate, for one had just left his play
and rushed into the room and covered
her face with boyish, boisterous kisses,
and tho others had clapped their hands
and cheered him with delight. It was
very evident how they loved their
mother.
A step startled her. She had been
so absorbed in her work and her
thoughts that she had not noticed the
entrance of her husband.
" You are weary, Edward,"'she said,,
after a greeting on her part which'"
would not have been called* cold" by
any witness.
" I am very tired. Keep the ohildren
quiet, and I will sleep till dinner, aa I
am compelled to go out immediately
afterward."
A little sigh found involuntary vent.
" And must you go out, to-night, Edward?" - - *-■
.. ;'*Xim.£ moat go to. •'■Mrtfafiw «_.
School Union. Surely you do not object to my attending to such business?"
" Oh, no; I want you to do all the
good you can, only it seems so long
since we had a quiet, happy evening together."
There was no answer. Mr. Dale had
comfortably settled himself for a nap,
and, going to the door, she bade the
chDdren play more quietly, and then,
as Bhe noiselessly resumed her work,
one transparent tear glistened upon her
needle. She glanced up, hastily, for
fear her husband might have seen it-
he had a man's hatred of domestic tears
—but she saw he was already fast asleep.
As one evening passed, eo did another—
there was always something to take him
from her—something io absorb all the
spare hours so that there were none to be
given to her. She had tried hard not
to be rebellious—she had prayed to
overcome the strange thoughts which
had crept into her head, and, until of
late, she had been partially successful,
but recently she had not seemed the
mistress of her thoughts. She had
tried to persuade herself that she was
wrong—that she must find tastes and
timo to work with him, but how could
she when the care of the house and
management of the children devolved
so entirely upon her ? At the beginning
of the year he had talked of hard
times and the scarcity of money,
and she had cheerfully acceded
to his proposal to discharge
their most expensive servants—one who
had faithfully served her since the
birth of her eldest boy. She had without a murmur taken upon herself duties
which had worn wearily upon her
strength, and she had that day seen his
name head a subscription list for a
public charity with an amount which
would have paid a servant's wages for
more than half a year. She had been
told at the beginning of the season that
there was no money for new clothes for
the children—that the old ones must
in some way be made to last, and she
had remodeled them with the skill of a
loving wife and mother; but her fingers
would not have moved so swiftly had
she then heard a lecture delivered by
the chief of a coterie of charitable ladies, who demanded money when she
had not $1 of her own, and who triumphantly mentioned the sum given
by her husband—an amount far exceeding that she had asked for when she
wished new clothes for the children;
and it was such a tax upon her strength
and eyesight to be "continually darning
and repairing—and those disagreeable
women. She felt her heart steeling involuntarily against all sorts of charitable institutions, and then she prayed to
be forgiven and sorrowed to think how,
after all her struggles, she remained so
purely human, Then other thoughts
came—of unpaid bills laid away in her
bureau drawer—bills which had come
to the house during her husband's absence, und which she could not avoid
seeing, and for which he had declared
he had no money—they must wait, as
; he and other men were compelled to do.
She thought of the little household of
wMj* .Bke, in other days, had been a
me4^r,of the thrift which was the
prewjbg genius of that home, clearing
up fSt^P811863 °* tbo <3ay, yet leaving
Boating for oharities, and teaching
th»tM*bt was the prime minister of the
devjjfe'ffAlas] what could she do how in
■thejwpng current in which she was
^jjjl' deeper turned and the brown
oye-jefrere able'to rest upon Mb face—a
' 'roe face, of a style that will win
ts of women until the death of
_ fAnd yet it was not a strong face.
ribe woman who watched it and
pfknew it gave proof of a lack of
Hid resolute self-reliance. She
ed ihe lesson, bitter to every
_ and loving wife, that she was
.-ihe stronger of the two, and yet
j« weaker, stood the pilot at the
A-M-pn'-Mid by him her bark must be
8'
int.
sail
tb
I no
te its port of weal or woe,
Agnes will come to-morrow.  I
mo3t forgotten to tell you," he
he prepared to leave the hoiwe.
'11 of pleasure passed through
mer'B heart.   Aunt Agnes was a
e visitor.   She had a good effect
Marjorie,  a   restful  influence,
ing akin, as nearly as the human
akin, to the "Peace, be still,"
Once sounded Vocally above the
waters.   Aunt  Agnes   came,
one partially forgot her dis-
t in the sweet presence that she
well.   But the time soon came
1© "visitor's return.   Aunt Agnes'
not be induced to make long
it mattered not where she went,
e frequently quoted as a favorite
that " short visitors made long
f-fMtijis.''
'Oii the last morning of her aunt's
uta-j^'-M Marjorie entered her own chamber, "jihich adjoined a little room her
h-nataid called his study—it having
b«Sf«|fitted up with a table, a few easy
ch-pN, some books and pictures—she
•w-aBflieard her husband and aunt con-
V«#)ng in this study. Her first im-
.pf"**-**' *as to withdraw, but, before that
«Wii-be accomplished, she learned tbat
Jn"#'"l»usband was indebted to his aunt
fo*"*large sum of money; thab he had
t"a**£ioado her any payments for a long
■'■-'-ejind that, in consequence of this
io|t, she was compelled to give up
,|sve.7y home where she had been
-"- with ber husband for so many
and change to a style of living
nsistent with her now impecu-
condition, and, what grieved the
;?fa&&>iai/&l£%l allr abandon hSr
plans "for the continued assistance of
those long dependent upon her.
With a clear view of tbe ground, as if
it had all been uncovered to her, Marjorie *went quietly out from her 100m.
Her husband had been squandering in
imprudent business ventures moneys
belonging to bis aunt and others, and,
what seemed to her yet worse,
yet bought with what belonged
to others a reputation tor liberality and
large-Leartedness, while the rightful
possessors were suffering in their need
of it.
She would not be quiet any longer,
and before the day was spent she
broaclted the subject to him, but, unfortunately, without that subtlety which
might have given her a small show of
success; that wisdom which Nathan
manifested when he talked to David of
the "one ewe lamb." She went with the
bluntness of a straightforward woman
right to the subject in which she was
interested. She asked why so much had
been kept from her, and the man answered with an impatience he did not
try to conceal,
" Are you on the brink of ruin, Edward? Is there danger of an immediate failure?"
" What a question I No ; if I can
weather the storm a little longer it will
be all right with me."
She knew the fatal tendency to put
aside all evil days, and to try and sail
smoothly upon unruffled waters. She
remembered the story of the ostrich
hiding its head in the sand and fancying it would in that way escape tne
threatened danger,
" Not so, my husband; the longer you
delay the more irretrievable will be the
evil. You forget that the interests of
others will be imperiled. If you were
to stop now, could you not insure ease
and comfort to Aunt Agnes and a large
percentage to your other creditors ?"
"Yes."
"Then do it, I pray you, my husband.
Commit not the fatal error that has
brought ruin to so many homes; remember what is due those who have
committed their interests to your keeping. Give up house, furniture—everything, and keep your condition a secret
no longer; release it before it bursts
with its own strength the barriers with
which you have encompassed it, and
then we will begin life anew with empty
pockets, yet with clear consciences, and
all will yet be well."
"Yon talk like a woman, Marjorie, and
as if I had been guilty of some great
crime. I am on the eve of a venture
that will bring me great success. You
cannot expect to understand such
tilings, for they are beyond your Jren.
What do you know of business rules
and laws?"
"I know the law which is not written
upon the statute books of men—the
higher law which cannot be violated
without incurring its full and just penalty," she answered, sadly.
There was great wonder and great
excitement over tho failure of Edward
Dale-—a failure bringing dismay to more
than one heart and home, but he escaped the censure of the many, for there
was the record of an almost munifioent
liberality, a conspicuous devotion of
time and thought to the best interests
of the church and society, alike attesting to the.singleness and purity of his
purposes.
"Poor Mr. Dale!" was the general
comment. "How mysterious are the
dispensations of Providence I How
strange the Lord does not protect His
own! Yet with what beautiful humility
does be bear his burdens, and how cold,
and unsympathetic and far from humble has his wife appeared through it all,"
Turkey's Dry Rot.
In his book Valentine Baker writes:
A most intelligent Turkish officer, holding a high official position, accounted
to me for the evil as follows: "In Turkey there exists no aristocracy, properly
so called, whioh may show an example
of honor and honesty to those immediately below them.   For this, to a considerable extent,the social system is to be
blamed.   But we must seek farther than
this want of an aristocracy among the
better classes for that general syBtem of
corruption whioh is the bane of official
life and of all prosperity.   This kills
the patriotic feeling which alone can
sustain the existence of  a nation in
times of trial, and utterly debases the
whole fabric of social organization. For
the origin of the evil we must look to
the constant system of change in official positions which seems to have become almost inherent in Turkish government, and to the system of protection which will so constantly raise people of low and often menial positions to
the highest offices of the state.   The
result is that men who have no fortunes
of their own, and whose tenure of office
is likely to be limited, seek to make
the most of their opportunities by rapid
and   wholesale  robbery.     From  this
springs a system of bribery, extortion
and general corruption.   Every man is
trying to jostle his neighbor out of some
post, in order that he may secure it,
either for himself or for a friend who
may be useful.     The state is a bad
paymaster, yet rapid fortunes must be
made.   This once   accomplished, and
the power to bribe being available, the
official  may  rest pretty vcell assured
that, even if reverses come upon him,
he will not be long left out in the cold.
The result is intense jealousy, distrust
and intrigue.    No   one unacquainted
with Turkish life can believe the extent
to which this jealousy is prevalent, nor
how the desireto oust some pivil rival
from tvis position seems to be the all-
absorbing idea of nine out of every ten
Turkish officials.   The canker extends
to the army, more especially   to the
higher ranks, and it is to this that we
must trace the conduot of Suleiman in
the late campaign, as well as most of
tho   disasters that  have befallen  the
Turkish arms in previous ones."
A Philosophic Fiend.
"I Bhould like to sell a gimlet," said a
careworn-looking man, as he walked
into the office, the other day,
"We have no use for one," replied
the cashier.
"But you should always look into the
misty future," went on the fiend demurely ; "next winter you will want to
make holes in your boot-heels, so you
can get your skates on."
"I use club skates—no straps required."
"Yon may want to screw some boards
together some time. Theold-fashinned
method of driving screws in with a
hammer is pernicious, as it deteriorates
the tenacity of the screw, as it were."
"Nothing to-day, sir." *
"This gimlet also acts as a corkscrew."
"I don't want it."
"It also may be used as a tack-hammer,
a cigar-holder, and a tooth-brush."
"I don't want it."
"It has an eraser, a pen, an inkstand,
a table for computing compound
interest, and a lunch-box attachment."
"I can't help it; I don't want it."
"Iknow you don't; you are one of
those mean men who won't buy a gimlet
unless it has a restaurant and a trip
through Europe and an Italian opera
company attached. You're the kind of
a man who would live near an electric
light to save the gas bill."
And the peddler walked out with his
mental plumage on the perpendicula.
31r. Moody at Home.
Mr. Moody is described as being at his
very best at Northfield, Mass. One of
his neighbors says of him: "I have
seen him at a great many large places,
but I come here to this little town,
where he knows everybody and takes
an interest in everybody, to be more
thoroughly charmed with him then ever
before. People like to laugh; Mr.
Moody knows it, and has the tact
to put the audience in good humor to
commence with." "That is very good
singing for one congregation," he said
at a meeting the other day at the close
of the first verse of "Guide Me, O Thou
Great Jehovah." "but there are a good
many different congregations here, and
we ought to sing better than that. All
sing now. Mrs. Davis, take that fan
away from your mouth I Mr. Smith. I
didn't hear your voice! Uncle Charles,
you can sing! Here, mother, here is
the place, you sing! Now try again.
I'll keep watch and see if there are any
who don't sing."      	
A Russian Government official sent
from St. Petersburg to report on a
miraculous hot spring at Shalazgori
waa almost killed by the infuriated villagers because he declared tho spring
not to be holy. Four of his assailants
have been sent to prison.
A  GOOD-NIGHT   SONG.
BY LA MOELLE.
God keep you safe, my little love,
All through the night;
Kent clone In His encircling arms
Until the light.
My heart is with you as I kneel to pray;
Good-night I   God keep yon in His care alway.
Thick Shadows oreep like silent ghosts
Abontmy head;
I lose myself in tender dreams,
While overhead
Tbo moon comesstealingthrough thewindow bars,
A silver Biokle gleaming 'mid the stars,
-For though I am so far away,
Feel safe and strong,
To trust you thus, dear lovo, and yet—.
Tho night is long—
I say with sobbing heart the old fond prayer,
Good-night 1   Sweet dreams I   God Seep you everywhere 1
Shabxiona's Gbove, HI,
PITH AM) POINT.
"Alas 1 this fatal gift of booty!" as the
man said who was arrested for receiving
stolen goods.
Smith thinks that his tailor's persistent demands oughtto be checked, and so
does the tailor.
"A kind word spoken to a husband
will go farther than a broomstick or a
flirtation," says a woman of experience.
What a paradox to say that gout
runs in a family. Whoever saw gout
eyen make a decent attempt at walking?
A sailoe put a saddle on hind part
before. A bystander showed him his
error. The sailor exclaimed, "How do
you know which way I am going to
ride?"
When a husband comes home after
midnight and asks his wife the time of
night, and she bats him over the head
with a rolling-pin, and tells him it has
struck " one," it is time to retire.
"Aw! it is not to be wondered at," remarked Mr. Toplofty, as he adjusted
his eyeglass; "sea-bathing has grown
unpopulah; because you see—aw—the
vulgah herd took to the watah, and it
has become vewy much soiled."
A baid-headed professor, reproving
a youth for the exercise of his fists,
said, " Wo fight with our heads at this
college." The young man reflected a
moment and then replied, " Ah, I see,
and you have butted all your hair off."
An Iowa editor acknowledges a present of grapes in rather ambiguous
language. He says: "We have received a basket of grapes from our
friend W., for which he will accept our
compliments, some of which are two
inches in diameter "
A word to the wise is sufficient. A
minister made an interminable call
upon a lady of his acquaintance. Her
little daughter, who was present, grew
weary of his conversation, and whispered
in an, audible tone, "Didn't he bring
his amen with him, mamma?"
Two toiends met each other on a
Paris boulevard. Laura—"My gracious,
Emilie, how old you look to-day! I
never remember you looking so old as
you look to-day." Emilie—"You
shouldn't be surprised, my dear, for I
never was so old as I am to-day."
A well-known local preacher in a
suburban town, while instructing a class
of urchins in the catechism, told them
that God could do everything, whereupon one of them asked: " Can God
make a rock so big that he can't lift it?"
The boy's question remains unanswered.
Goethe said energy would accomplish anything desired in this world.
Oh! Goethe, old fellow, were you only
in the land of the living to-day, we
should give you the task of talking a
barber to death, competing with a man
at his own #ame, as it were.—Turner's
Falls Beporter. '
A London gent, walking in Dublin
for the first time, got into easy conversation with a native, and chaffed him
considerably, winding up with this
smart observation: "Now, tell me, Pat,
where you would be if the devil got his
dues?" Pat replied with feigned simplicity, "Sure, then, I'd be alohe, yer
Honor."
Tne beauteous, buxom Bertha Bangs
• Is one of our divinest girls;
Sho bangs tho doors and bangs the chairs,
And likewise bangs her auburn curls,
She bangs on tho pianny, too,
And bangs upon the light guitar—
But oh, of all tbo bangs abe bangs.
She mostly bangs her auburn hair.
O banging, bouncing, buxom belle,
Tho poet's lyre wlti rapture twangs—
Besponi-ive to the influence
Ot thy beloved and beauteous bangs.
—St. Louis Times-Journal
A Providence man relates that when
he was a little boy he was one day
standing in Market square with his
grandfather, when four Irishmen came
up, one of whom asked the distance to
Pawtucket. He was told by the old
gentleman that it was about four miles.
"Well, faith," said Pat, in a mock tone
of encouragement to his threo tired
companions, "that's not bad at all—only
a mile apiece for us." "Whom do you
want to see in Pawtucket?" in quired he,
"Be jabers," was the quick reply, "I
want to see meself there the most of
anybody."
All honor to the man whose epitaph
is written below; we never shall look
upon his like again. When he departed
his friends put up a marble slab with
this inscription, tbe duplicate of which
you will hardly find in any other
country:
An honest fellow hero is laid,
His debis in full ho always paid;
And what is moro rare, his neighbors tell us,
He sent back borrowed umbrellas.
The editor of the Red Bank (N. J.)
Begister replies to an attack upon him
in the Red Bank Standard by saying
that "when an idiot, pen, ink and paper get together, the result should not
be published."